Greetings From Hell

"You need to play quietly for a little bit... cause Mommy is really hot and really grumpy and she needs quiet so she doesn't freak out."

Let me first say this was all my fault... All. My. Fault. And I take complete responsibility for how badly the current circumstances have unfolded... But if there is a Hell I have just returned from it.... And if ever I came close to actually leaving my children (well..one anyway) behind today is that day.

You should know that typing is difficult as my hands are literally shaking from pure physical and emotional exhaustion. Excuse me while I get myself a chocolate and some sparkling water.... okay I'm back.

Okay yesterday hearkening back to the good old days... aka pre Baby F... when Kid F wasn't such a pain in the ass and we used to go on little lunch dates and whatnot downtown... I decided to walk to the library with the kids this morning and take them out to lunch. It was going to be hot today but we'd go early... it wouldn't be too bad. To get downtown is 1.5 miles and you have to venture over two hills. We live just on the other side of the crest of a big but slowly inclining hill so most of the walk downtown you are entering into a kind of valley. Then you reach a VERY steep incline that spans about 2 blocks until you reach downtown proper. I gave Kid the option of walking while I pushed the stroller or riding in the bike trailer (converted to a doubl-ish stroller) with the baby. She wisely chose to ride. This would be our first attempt at using this as a stroller.

After some finagling I manage to squish them in there. Kid was having some serious wedgie issues which forced her to elbow the baby as she tried to dislodge her underwear. Baby wasn't enjoying this... and didn't like the abrasive straps... but with some movement I got them all to settle in. The way there was great... hard work... but hey I'm counting this as my exercise... look at me I'm "fit mom". Some homeless guy outside of the library even said "You got guns Momma!" Well that is like the greatest fucking thing anyone has ever said to me. I was feeling great! Oh and Baby F actually fell asleep in the trailer... even better I can focus on Kid! So we read some books and then Baby wakes up and does a crazy twist in the straps getting herself entangled and scraping most of her dimpled fleshy goodness with those damn straps. But she recovers and we are all happily playing and having a great time. "Hey I AM every woman... check it out... I walked downtown... we are playing... Kid doesn't hate me for once!" An old acquaintance shows up and asks incredulously "Did you walk here?" "Why yes I did!" It takes a fellow mom to know exactly how hard it is to push a trailer with over 60 pounds of child in it up a San Francisco style hill.

After all our library joyousness we were off to Kid's favorite lunch place. But Uh oh... Baby doesn't want anything to do with the trailer... screaming ensues... and my silent swearing because this trailer was designed by a complete fucking jackass... and Kid has to keep flopping into Baby's side because that is just what she does to tick me off. Well never mind... I AM every woman... mission accomplished... off we go. We arrive at Kid's favorite restaurant to find it packed... there is one table in the middle of the room... and Kid is devastated. She just doesn't understand that I am pushing a stroller the size of a Yugo and I'm not even sure I can get it in the door let alone have a place to put it while we eat. She wants me to leave it outside... but after just having our car stolen I'm not keen on the idea. So we continue on... Kid mildly tantruming... and me starting to realize the potential for disaster. It is now 12:30 and it is getting HOT.. the sun is blazing and the whole way home it will be directly in our eyes... yikes... must find food. Plus I'm now starving and I know Kid is and that spells violent butting of heads if it isn't remedied ASAP! After about 15 minutes we settle on a little cafe with outdoor seating... that way I can leave the trailer outside.. and their tables are in the shade. No highchairs though... that's okay don't worry about me, I'll just hold the wriggling 8 month old in my LAP while I try to eat my salad... this will be fun! Not only does this turn out to have been a bad choice on a lot of levels but despite seemingly only having 5 other tables we of course had the slowest service imaginable.

Okay an hour later we are done with our lunch... and despite asking for a brownie Kid is suddenly full... and I don't know why but that kind of stuff always pisses me off. Okay it is now 2pm... the sun is blazing and I have a half hour walk uphill literally the whole way to go while walking directly into the sun the entire way. Oh yeah I'm pushing the goddamn trailer with 60+pounds of kid in it, our bag and 10 pounds of books... uphill and into the sun for half and hour and it is just under 90 mother fucking degrees out! So I'm already a little apprehensive and maybe testy and I just want to get this over with as soon as humanly possible. But first I must buckle the kids into the trailer. I try to get Kid in first... this stupid fucking thing requires them to share a fucking buckle... in -fucking- genius engineering you goddamn mother fuckers! Okay Kid starts in with her flailing antics... like it is completely impossible for her to sit on half the goddamn seat... and any type of direction for her to do so results in her throwing herself halfway out of the trailer. About 10 people are outside at the cafe watching me do this... so smile everyone.. you are being judged right now... no fucking pressure... I AM every goddamn woman.. look at me... I can do this without threatening Kid... watch! So After about 5 minutes of tantruming 5 year old and screaming Baby we are off... or are we? Dammit the sun is right in Baby's face and she is none to pleased. She is getting pissed in the escalating kind of fashion you know you can't calm down. Meanwhile Kid is writhing and dramatically picking at her wedgie. Oops she elbows Baby who is now hysterical. I want to throttle Kid, but know that this is my fault, she wants to get out. Likelihood of Kid F walking a mile and a half under these conditions?... NIL. But really what are my choices? SO I take the Baby out and now demand that Kid get out.. because you better believe that if I am having to carry my 19 pound baby all the way home while pushing the trailer... the trailer will NOT have a 45 pound 5 year old in it... not while her legs still work! So I limp along at an infuriatingly slow pace holding the baby and pushing the trailer while Kid picks up her drama level ten fold and begins intentionally tripping and falling to the ground. I loudly ask her to walk "like a NORMAL kid!" When we make it to the next light and she decides to trip and fall practically into traffic and I realize this isn't going to happen... and my only choice is to try and get them in the trailer and make a run for it.

Keep in mind it is HOT really HOT and we are all red in the face and sweaty... there is NO shade... and yes it has only been 5 minutes. I order Kid into the trailer.. she begins with her wedgie antics and flailing... I make it clear I am not messing around. Mommy is hot... and anyone who knows me knows heat is my Kryptonite! Kid is losing her mind in there so I tell her to stand up and take her underwear off.. she can't believe what she is hearing but complies... then I tell her I am serious she needs to sit up and stay on her side. I pry Baby in... she is NOT happy. I literally begin running. I am not a runner... I do not run. I make it about 2/3rds of the way (no not running all the time) when Baby is just not going to take it anymore. I am literally dripping with sweat and I just want to leave the trailer on the side of the road and have a cab take us home. I get Baby out and put her in the sling. Now I am pretty thin and the sling doesn't get tight enough for this to be a really safe carrying method... plus we are both already covered in sweat and being bound together with a few yards of fabric is not going to help matters. Oh did I mention I had two iced teas and I really need to pee? How about that I am wearing sports sandals instead of sneakers and have a wood chip lodged under my foot? Don't worry I only have 10 more minutes to go! We make it home... Baby sweaty but asleep, Kid grumbling that she is starving... and me with a shaky body and spirit and a sweat soaked shirt.

Oh yeah.. that Chicken Soup I was going to make with Kid tonight... I think not.