I feel it is my purpose in life to learn as much as I can and live as consciously as possible. I actually think that is the meaning of life... at the very least it is the meaning of my life. Sometimes I find myself censoring myself, not just on the blog, but in the real world as well. Mostly because I am a people pleaser and I never want to offend anyone. But I have moments when I wish I could more freely share my point of view and knowledge in hopes that it might help someone else. So I am going to try and be more open (I know you are wondering if that is even possible!... it is) and maybe be a little more controversial on the blog. I may offend you... and please know that is not my intention... but many of the things I feel strongly about are things that people tend to feel defensive about. And I'm not being judgmental... and I really hope that you believe that... because I'm really not. I know and respect that everyone comes from a different perspective and is searching for a different and unique life experience. My way is my way, and of course I believe in what I choose to do and not do, but I don't need you to choose to do it too. I really don't. This is my journey and you have yours.
One day someone asked me if I ever wanted to go back to work. The implication (and really it was) was that staying home couldn't be totally fulfilling. I'm not really sure why not. I approach staying home the same way I approached going to work. I don't know why a daycare worker is performing a valid job all day but I am not? Another day my brother asked me (Kid was 3 at the time) when I was going to put her in daycare and get a life. I don't think he was kidding. I said "this is my life." But I felt defensive and had to say something about how I didn't make enough at my job to justify daycare. Which is something I often throw around even though it has absolutely nothing to do with why I stay home. I stay home because ... (first let me say I stay home because I can)... I believe I am best suited to raise my children. And I feel that that is a 24 hour job.
I always knew that I would stay home with my children and haven't regretted one day of my decision. Not one single day have I ever woken up and wished I could go to work. Why? Outside of not wanting to miss a moment of their lives... because I find raising children to be the most thought provoking, demanding, challenging, intellectual pursuit of my life. Every single day provides another opportunity for me to expand my way of thinking about myself and my actions, about my point of view, and about my deficits. There is very little in my life that I just "do"... I am not a going through the motions type of person. Nearly every action I take is thought about and decided upon before I do it.
This may surprise everyone but sometimes I actually get Kid a Mc Donald's Happy Meal. But I don't just get her a Happy Meal. I run through all the pros and cons of a Happy Meal. The anti-biotic laden beef, the high fructose corn syrup, the trans fats, the carcinogens, the commercialization, the Chinese apples, the lead toy.... I think about all of that stuff and then I decide if making Kid happy is worth it. Sometimes it is. But, you see, I don't just buy the Happy Meal.... I think about everything that Happy Meal is before I buy it. All that thought went into lunch people. Somebody asked me if I was joking about this. No I'm not joking. When you break any decision down it seems menial... that is exactly my point. You can live your life and preform your job to a "good enough" level... or you can put thought into everything you chose to do. You can use your brain even at the McDonald's drive up window if you want to. I choose not to "check out". I choose to think and research the things (big and small) that impact my family's life. I don't know what other job I have ever had, or could ever have, that would provide me with as much intellectual stimulation. And not just that.... but actually allow me to put my education to use... every day, all day.