Thursday, July 31, 2008

Homesick

I knew it was going to be hard. Moving and unpacking is hard even if you aren't changing jobs and cities much less entire states. Moving and unpacking when you are a stay-at-home mom is even harder. It's easy to say "just get out and explore your new area"... but that is difficult to do with Baby even when I know exactly where I'm going and what I can expect. This is a kid who you really can't take out and about, and I'm saying that as a mother who was able to take Kid anywhere and everywhere. My point being it is not that I'm opposed to doing it... it is just the reality of doing it with Baby is more than I want to handle on a typical day. I was homebound most of the time in Ann Arbor but at least there I already had friends.

Making "mom" friends is hard. It is a lot like dating (except you can't count on alcohol to get you through the rough moments) and it takes the same amount of time and energy to find the right fit. And I'm going to let you in on a little secret (new moms close your eyes) it is even harder when you have more than one child. When you are a new mom and you have a baby there is some kind of pheromone you emit that attracts all new moms with the same age child... you see them EVERYWHERE and you are all obsessed with baby development and whatnot and it doesn't even matter that outside of that you technically have nothing in common.

When you have 2 kids it isn't like that. You need to find someone with kids in similar age ranges who get along with your kids (6 year olds seem to want to have a say in who their friends are those stinkers). You no longer want to talk about your baby you want to talk about laser hair removal and permanent birth control (or is that just me?). You don't care if your baby is drinking your iced coffee, let alone if they are developing "on time", if it buys you some time to talk to someone about something other than My Little Ponies for 10 minutes uninterrupted. It takes time to find someone who can be your friend and not just the mother of your kids' friends... and in the meantime I miss my friends tremendously.

24 comments:

Julie said...

Oh, I feel for you, Mrs F.

I know what you mean about Baby because Murphy was like that. It just made going out more stressful than it was worth most of the time.

Who knows, you might meet some of your very best friends down there. In the meantime, you have us:)

Sending positive vibes to you.

PS How's Kid doing? Has she visited her new school yet? I figure Baby is totally unaware that you all just made a huge move. Right now all she cares about is sneaking Newman-O's and sips of mom's iced coffee and tearing the house apart...she can do that anywhere.

Take care, Furious family.

Mrs Furious said...

Kid is doing great. She already made friends with the girl across the street so she's happy. Baby is giving me a hard time and has been pretty clingy (even while back in MI) it's just a lot of changing... plus she's teething again.
LOL about the newman's o's which she has been eating non-stop and we caught her standing in Mr F's desk chair drinking my iced coffee (ice & all) this evening... she is such a maniac...

Amy said...

I totally had to laugh at baby drinking the iced coffee...and not caring comment! The other day Avery grabbed mine...and after my initial reaction to take it away, my laziness and lack of enthusiasm to care kept my hand from reaching out. Eh, whatever...I'm already in that 2nd child mode!

You were bound to go through an adjustment/grieving/what-the-hell did we get ourselves into? period. It's a big change stressful and exciting all in the same. Good luck and you'll always have your blogger friends!

Ms. Flusterate said...

I totally hear you--I was a military wife and every so often had to start the hell over. Loneliness was (and sometimes is) my biggest obstacle. I'm shy and tend to think people wouldn't want to do things with me. I think the best thing I ever did was join a mom's group at a local church---OK, I had to go to a few before I found a good fit but finally I found snarky moms who DID want to talk about other things than their child(ren).

Had the internet/blogs been more of a presence in the early 90s, I SO would have been all over that. I feel like I missed the boat on that in a way. It would have been so helpful to me.

It's been over 10 years since I last moved and I still have friends from that mom's group I stuck with. I don't see them often but I know they're there which helps.

I just wanted to let you know that I *know* how you feel. My 2nd was a very difficult baby/toddler and there was a few years there that I didn't think I'd make it out alive.

Preppy Mama said...

I don't even have words for you. I am a nervous person by nature and what you have accomplished in record time would send me into panic attacks. You are one of the bravest people I know so you are my personal hero! Sending you hugs in Asheville. You still have your blog friends.

Torey said...

Sorry Mrs. F! I can't even imagine!

I had to giggle at the iced coffee though cause I've been into decaf iced mochas this month, and I figured, eh, it's decaf. I thought for sure he would hate it, so I let him have a sip. . .oh how wrong was I!!!!!!

The other day, N caught me giving Gup a sip in Krogers!! Whoops!!

Totally off topic but I thought that this would make you giggle though:
N got up with Gup this morning and was out on the patio when his mom called his cell phone, so I padded out there, no glasses on to tell him that his mom was on the phone. The dogs were in the backyard, and Gup was in N's arms. There was the sound of rushing water that just kept going, and going and going. I thought that the dogs were peeing a ton, but it was too much. So I was trying to figure out if it had rained last night or what, when I realized that N was peeing off the side of the patio. WHAT? Who does that?!?!?! It made me laugh though, and at least I didn't step in it!!

Jennifer said...

Yeh, it is hard to find friends when you have kids. Especially when they are young. I had a friend that I met in the 6th grade. We were friends all through college, after marriage etc. I had small boy and that was that. Things change and I haven't spoken to her in a few years. Yet she lives maybe 3 miles from me. Wierd.

It takes alot of energy to find good people .. that aren't weird. lol.

I have lived here for years and have no real friends. I know alot of people. Nobody that I would feel comfortable picking up the phone and calling just to say hey.

But I'll bet being part of the private school you will meet alot of people. Good people. Just give yourself some time to adjust and settle in. It's hard when even your "home" isn't settled.

Take care Mrs. F. I'll say a prayer for you. :)

Bi0nicw0man said...

Oh girl, I hear you. I don't even have kids, but the move to another province and knowing no one is a tough one. I've been here 7 months and although I do have some friendly acquaintences I don't have anyone that I can truly call a friend. It's hard to make friends as an adult...we are a lot pickier than kids!

Having said that, once you get your boxes unpacked and some semblance of home you will start to feel better and maybe even have the energy to venture out with baby for an hour or two a day.

My favorite part of the new city is just to get into the car and start driving somewhere to see what I can find. Maybe Mr. F will stay home with the kids so you can do this every week.

Cheer up and think happy thoughts...it's a good adventure you are on!!

Marilyn said...

Hang in there, Mrs. F! I know this must be really hard. I'm pretty introverted, so it's always been a little hard to find friends. Moving to a new town is a huge adjustment, but once the kids get into a routine, I'm sure things will get better.

And on another note, I tried your ginger/brown sugar salmon last night, and it was delicious! I'll definitely make it again -- thanks very much!

Claire said...

I've moved 17 times and most of them with 4 kids - the second move from LI to a town in Pa was "the moment of truth" for me - Kik went to school and I was home alone with Heather - when I took her for a walk I always made sure I had ID on me in case something happened to me and no one would know I was missing until Alex came home - I remember when the Sears service people called and I kept them on the phone talking... but - I made some of my best friends there and we are still close after 30 years!! It is hard BUT you will be fine - I promise you.

Robin said...

I hear ya!!

Haley said...

I can't speak to the mom side of things, but my heart goes out to you! I do know what's it like to be lonely after a move though, and I'm going to echo other folks about leaning on us for awhile as you get your sea legs down there. It'll be tough, like you said, but your coolness will surely overcome, and new folks will start trickling into your life.

Gigs said...

Mrs F., I'm so sorry the adjustment is rough. I never took my youngest out either. Same problem. Definitely as adults it is harder to find true friendships, but I know you'll get there. And you know we love you on the blog!

Andrea said...

Im so happy to see your back and my goodness I just read your last few posts and I never would have thought you were being anti-south and I live in Texas also I hear you on the friends its tough especially as a mom. So happy your back and cant wait to see your crazy plan for the month.

Kira's journal said...

I'm sorry it's so hard in a new place. I hope it gets better soon.

But I totally understand about the whole meeting new Mom friends is like dating. In fact, I wrote the same thing in my journal just last night!

Oh, and permanent birth control. I'm with you 100%. And speaking of 100%, I want it to be 100% effective too. No mistakes allowed. :)

Katrina

Mrs Furious said...

I'm here... I'll get back to each of you tonight! I'm strangely tired and think I might be coming down with something (hopefully not just depression).

Mrs Furious said...

Sorry I'll get back to you tomorrow! Thanks again for all the supportive comments.

Neighborhood update: We went out to dinner & walked around and I'm getting more used to the negatives and able to see the positives.

Mrs Furious said...

Oh and Torey I can NOT freaking believe that N was peeing off your patio!!! Hilarious!

Kiki said...

Mrs.F., I think you are just one of the most amazing people I have met while blogging, your spirit and character come through in your writing and your family is full of fun. That has to shine through and is what will ultimately attract people to you, till then I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best, take care of yourself.

Dana said...

I live in a smaller town and it's awfully hard to make "mom" friends here, too. I think everyone already has their "cliques" and groups and most don't seem eager to open up their lives to new people. It's sad really.

angie said...

Your friends here miss you terribly too. But remember, you were once lonely in AA and you made dear friends. You will do it again. It will just take time. But, it must totally suck and be totally lonely. My heart hurts for you.

Gypsy Family said...

Hugs!! We miss you. :(

I angrily railed & vented against Michigan for the first two full years... now I love it. (I hope it doesn't take 2 years for you!!)

Of course I don't love MI as much now that there's something missing... :(

Mrs Furious said...

Okay I lied I'm stretched too thin to respond to everyone. Sorry! But thank you all for the kind, supportive comments.

Midge I will look into child-free friends... good point.

oh and Kiki you are too kind (as usual)


and Dana I think this might be your first comment so welcome... and I feel your pain.

Deb said...

Ugh... I have been there. To me, meeting other moms is worse than the dating scene. Whenever we move, I'm delighted to find one or two women I adore, because it's painful to go to 50 playdates to find them.

If you haven't already, look around on www.meetup.com to find SAHM mom groups in your area or book clubs or walking groups or... heck... laser hair removal fan clubs. That site has been a lifesaver to me in our move to the Twin Cities.

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