This week the plan....
Outside of thinking of ways to off my husband so I can start living "my dreams"?! (I'm joking... kind of)
Well, I'm not going to lie to you... I'm really starting to feel the depression I've been suppressing since moving here two months ago. I'm unhappy and I want to "go home". In fact on our way home from Charleston this weekend upon seeing our exit I said to the kids "we're almost home" and for a second forgot that we weren't going to our old home in Ann Arbor... that's when the grief set in. That night Kid (who also became homesick... I think the coming "home" from somewhere for the first time kind of stirred up all our feelings) and I cried into her pillow. It was heartbreaking. She just wants our house back... she wanted to know if we could move it down here. And when I said "you thought you'd live in your growing up house forever didn't you?" she broke down... it was horribly sad.
After that I started to think about the way I've just kind of let the house stagnate in a half packed/half unpacked, 100% messy state. I don't like living in Asheville (sorry locals) and its making me apathetic about liking the house I live in. I know I need to snap out of it and try to enjoy it the best I can.... and yet... just like feeling upset about your body and then heading to the fridge to eat down those feelings... I'm acting out around here. I'm depressed and I don't feel like making the effort to overcome myself. I mean let's be real... it's hard to feel like picking things up when what you want to do is run for the hills (proverbial hills that is...not the surrounding area)
Sometimes things get better and sometimes they don't. Sometimes you just have to get through it. When I was in high school things were not okay in my home life... NOT okay in a big way. That wasn't going to get better no matter what I did and I had the wisdom of a loving therapist to help me see that sometimes you just have to have a plan for making it to the end of a bad time. I know people will want to say "you just got there things will get better" and other inspiring things like that. But I'm not feeling it. I don't just feel isolated and lost... I don't feel like myself. I feel like I'm invisible and can't be seen. And I have to tell you that as soon as we got out of the car in Charleston I felt like my old energetic self... the energy of the city was just more me. I feel dampened here. In my heart of hearts I just don't see this as the place I want to be forever.
So I'm looking into RVs and villas and anything that helps me escape myself.
Onto the plan:
Monday - Salmon Noodle Casserole, salad
Tuesday - Pork Tenderloin, smashed potatoes, asparagus ... these potatoes are the new family fav
Wednesday - Brown Sugar & Ginger Salmon, asian veggie stirfry, sesame ginger rice
Thursday - Paula Dean's Goulash (it's freaking fantastic people)
Friday - pizza night
Saturday - ??
Sunday - Tomato & Meatball Soup
Diet & Exercise:
Well after our weekend in Charleston I do have a couple pounds to take off (again). I'm back at calorie counting and trying to stick under 1800 calories M-F and under 2200 on Saturday & Sunday. I'm going to bust out a hardcore 6 hours of cardio.
Work on cleaning off my desk... little by little.
Clear away all the shit in front of the door.
The usual suspects: laundry, vacuuming, etc.
Try not to kill myself.