Tuesday, September 30, 2008

And You Thought I Forgot...

This week the plan....

Outside of thinking of ways to off my husband so I can start living "my dreams"?! (I'm joking... kind of)

Well, I'm not going to lie to you... I'm really starting to feel the depression I've been suppressing since moving here two months ago. I'm unhappy and I want to "go home". In fact on our way home from Charleston this weekend upon seeing our exit I said to the kids "we're almost home" and for a second forgot that we weren't going to our old home in Ann Arbor... that's when the grief set in. That night Kid (who also became homesick... I think the coming "home" from somewhere for the first time kind of stirred up all our feelings) and I cried into her pillow. It was heartbreaking. She just wants our house back... she wanted to know if we could move it down here. And when I said "you thought you'd live in your growing up house forever didn't you?" she broke down... it was horribly sad.

After that I started to think about the way I've just kind of let the house stagnate in a half packed/half unpacked, 100% messy state. I don't like living in Asheville (sorry locals) and its making me apathetic about liking the house I live in. I know I need to snap out of it and try to enjoy it the best I can.... and yet... just like feeling upset about your body and then heading to the fridge to eat down those feelings... I'm acting out around here. I'm depressed and I don't feel like making the effort to overcome myself. I mean let's be real... it's hard to feel like picking things up when what you want to do is run for the hills (proverbial hills that is...not the surrounding area)

Sometimes things get better and sometimes they don't. Sometimes you just have to get through it. When I was in high school things were not okay in my home life... NOT okay in a big way. That wasn't going to get better no matter what I did and I had the wisdom of a loving therapist to help me see that sometimes you just have to have a plan for making it to the end of a bad time. I know people will want to say "you just got there things will get better" and other inspiring things like that. But I'm not feeling it. I don't just feel isolated and lost... I don't feel like myself. I feel like I'm invisible and can't be seen. And I have to tell you that as soon as we got out of the car in Charleston I felt like my old energetic self... the energy of the city was just more me. I feel dampened here. In my heart of hearts I just don't see this as the place I want to be forever.

So I'm looking into RVs and villas and anything that helps me escape myself.

Onto the plan:


Monday - Salmon Noodle Casserole, salad

Tuesday - Pork Tenderloin, smashed potatoes, asparagus ... these potatoes are the new family fav

Wednesday - Brown Sugar & Ginger Salmon, asian veggie stirfry, sesame ginger rice

Thursday - Paula Dean's Goulash (it's freaking fantastic people)

Friday - pizza night

Saturday - ??

Sunday - Tomato & Meatball Soup

Diet & Exercise:
Well after our weekend in Charleston I do have a couple pounds to take off (again). I'm back at calorie counting and trying to stick under 1800 calories M-F and under 2200 on Saturday & Sunday. I'm going to bust out a hardcore 6 hours of cardio.

Work on cleaning off my desk... little by little.
Clear away all the shit in front of the door.
The usual suspects: laundry, vacuuming, etc.
Try not to kill myself.
Investigate RVs.


Feener said...

i am so sorry. i wish i had the right words.

Mrs Furious said...

At least I can hate my life, my surroundings, while still being thin... right?! I'll always have that (as long as I don't start self medicating with food that is...)

okay off to ebay airstreams...

Julie said...

Oh, Mrs F, I am so sorry. I so wanted you to love it in your new home and town. In fact, your whole move inspired me to want to move (I am not at this point, but I was doing a lot of internet searches:) )

It was heartbreaking to think of you and Kid crying into the pillow.

Like feener said, I wish I had the right words, too. I wish I could make it all better.

Lori said...

So sorry to hear that your move wasn't what you expected. How did your dinner with the hair stylist go? Being in the indusrty, I help a lot of people connect. Maybe she coudld help you meet more like minded people.
I really appreciate your comments on my new blog. It sure is a lot of work, but fun at the same time. Spent most of my day baking new things. More to come on that. Keep your chin up Mrs. F! Maybe we blog buddies can help keep your spirits up.
-Sorry for the long post. :-)

Robin said...

I'm so sorry.

Interesting revelation about the fact that you don't like it there affecting your housekeeping. I can totally see that.

**thinking of you**

Supermom said...

Aww I am sorry to read you are depressed. If you would like to get together for coffee maybe Friday I can try to make you laugh. We could meet at Fun Depot and kids could play.

Nann said...

Pack up the kids and come visit me in Arizona! I think the first trip in the Airstream should be the Grand Canyon.

Hang in there, sister.

Jennifer said...

Its like when you go to work and you aren't wearing the "right" clothes that make you feel comfortable and you can't wait to get home and get them off. Except the clothes are Asheville for you. :) You just somehow feel "off" the whole day.

You guys have each other and as long as you have each other you are home. Try looking at it like that while you are in Asheville. As long as kid can see your face when she walks through the door, does the door really matter?

As far as the state of your house goes .. I am the exact same way. It is a disaster until people are coming over, then it is clean city. I actually laughed today because I went to get an apple juice out of the fridge for my small boy and the box was empty. Then I remembered it being empty the last time I went to grab one. Oy. It is what it is.

Amy said...

Oh gosh, I'm sorry.
Sometimes life just sucks. I can attest to that. I have no advice, just a virtual hug and and an 'I'm sorry you're depressed.'
I will say that I liked your line about having a plan to get to the end of a hard time. I need to use that advice in my own life.
From one depressed girl to another...hang in there.

Anonymous said...

oh I hear you, the only reason I was happy about moving, was because we moved from Florida. Just hang in there and let me know if you want to hang out and get some coffee or something. Hopefully Asheville will grow on you, but it is definitely completely different than city life and hard to adjust to when you are used to that. I totally understand.

Haley said...

Blargh! I can totally relate to the whole "being in a situation that you don't foresee getting better, but needing to just slog through" thing -- I've definitly been there.

That line from Nemo seems fitting -- Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Good luck with the RV hunt -- I know NJ isn't all that exciting, but I want to be a stop on the journey!

Deb said...

My eyes welled up with tears, and my heart cracked just a bit, because your words made me relive that horrible year we spent in St. Paul. I admit, even now that we're in Minneapolis in a house we love, I still have times when things aren't going right and I blame it all on Minnesota. It seems silly that it's been almost two years and I'm still homesick, but it's the truth, and I'm not sure when it will go away. I hope it fades much faster for you than it does for me. In the meantime, I understand, and I'm pulling for you -- all of you. I hope that helps a little.

Mrs Furious said...

Thanks for all the comments everyone :)

Oh the hair stylist... that is worth a post of it's own ;)
By the way are you obsessed with Tabitha's Takeover... I am.

Heather said...

I'm really sorry to hear it. I think I know how you feel -- I felt like a fish out of water from the get-go when I moved to NW Florida. It didn't feel right from the start, and the longer I stayed, the more I hated it. What does Mr. F say about all this? Is he in love with his job? Is there a place you could live like, an hour away so he would have a longer commute but you would be happy?

Mary Poppins said...

i'm so sorry this hasn't been the move you were hoping it to be. it sucks to feel out of place and out of sorts. i can relate for i spent a few years living in a place that did that to me.
this morning my kids were playing with a vintage fisher-price pop up camper (the one for the old school little people) and i thought of you. if you've got room for one more family (sans husband) in your camper, i'll join you for a portion of your adventure.

Mrs Furious said...

Well he does like his job...
as for an hour away I'm not sure that will get me anywhere much better to be honest. Plus Kid is liking her school. I just have to find a way to suffer through it... once the house is under control I know I'll feel better... it's just a matter of getting the motivation to do that.

I'll make room :)

Anonymous said...

I feel for you...I dread the part of the move where I am in-between friends...

If you post each area of your house that you are working on, as a cleaning challenge, I'll clean with you!! (But, I can't guarantee "before" pics, LOL--only "after" pics!).

Mrs Furious said...

I'll let you know when we're out that way next. My dad & g'parents are actually all coming down this month so I won't probably head out East for awhile... but when I do I'm all over a NJ meet up!

Anonymous said...

Here five years and still have a hard ime not picturing myself somewhere else happier. I miss my friends, my sisters, my mom...I miss walking places and I miss liking being in my house. There are times I can't stand being in this house. I like your take on just planning on getting to the end of a bad time. I wonder what that looks like for me. I'm with you sista!

Amy said...

I feel like you've had to live on so much adrenaline for the past few months, and it is inevitable that you'll have some emotional clean-up because you finally have a bit of time to process all that you've been through.

For the time being, I think it's important that you self medicate with shoes. :)

Also, for me - it's about this time each year that I start taking inventory of everything that's wrong with my life. Then I remember that it's about time to pull out the light box because, oh yeah - SAD.

Lori said...

Cant' wait to read the hair sylist post! Haven't had time to watch. Is it GREAT?

renee said...

Oh Mrs. F...as we already discussed in detail at Fun Depot I SO feel your pain and your posting sums up exactly how I've been feeling for the past 3.5 years since moving to Asheville...it's so nice to know I'm not the only one who doesn't LOVE Asheville...and can't seem to motivate myself to WANT to do anything to the house...you are a lot further than I am and you have only been here 3 months!

Mrs Furious said...

Ah... posting pictures of your house on a daily basis is a great motivator ;)
I'm also trying to get over my perfectionism and just hang shit up... it's been a therapeutic exercise.

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