Thursday, April 2, 2009
Questionable Motivation aka Failing To Succeed
I think the thing that I'm willing to acknowledge after 8 months or so of yo-yoing is that I've spent the last 8 months waking up hoping to succeed and not planning to succeed.
The difference between what I did last year and what I'm doing this year is that last year I had everything in place to make the right choices. I had to try to fail. Now I don't have anything in place and I'm just hoping it works out.
And it's not exactly working.
Maybe with that realization I'm one step closer.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
OK, BEST VIDEO EVER.
Well, maybe I just feel that way because you put into words exactly -- EXACTLY -- what I've been feeling the past month or so. I so miss feeling proud of myself for meeting the daily challenge of being healthy. I've lost that old drive to succeed, and I know I won't feel truly reinvigorated until I'm already succeeding.
I've had a couple good days in a row now, but I'm impatient with myself and just want to get back to feeling like I am totally on top of my weight, and moving forward in a really strong way.
AMEN.
Haley,
"and I know I won't feel truly reinvigorated until I'm already succeeding. "
That is the part that fucking sucks... and it's inescapable.
The other hinderance for me is that some things I used as food crutches to be more prepared are more expensive and I cut them out... and I just haven't had the energy to figure out cheaper replacements.
Okay...because of you I finally bought the treadmill I have always wanted, I busted my butt on it and while I am not advertising my weight because I am not ready, you remember when I got on that scale at the children's museum????Well it went up from there and I just couldn't take it...but this week, this Monday I got on the scale and I weighed in at a new number, a new range, that I thought would be much harder to get to, 16 pounds down from my heaviest...I could cry at this new number because it means I'm getting fit and in shape.
The reason though, the motivation...it was all you. I watched your videos, the ones where you were in your basement in AA and I read your posts and I just thought..."she is just doing it", and I wanted to do it too.
So now, some nights I get on the treadmill at midnight and walk till 2 a.m, and that works for me, and whatever I eat...I make sure that the treadmill tells me I burned more than half of it off. It started out as a challenge, I get myself to get on the treadmill for 20 minutes, then I see the calories burned and I want to get to the next hundred burned, then its one more mile and the next thing you know I've gone two hours and I feel powerful.
That is because you made me see that it doesn't take a fancy trainer or diet, I don't need special foods that taste like cardboard, just determination. I love that about myself now, I am determined...its invigorating and exciting and one day soon, I will run, the whole time. Because you made me see and believe that I could do it. Just like you.
In case I didn't thank you for giving me that gift, I want to now...thank you! From my stronger heart and more powerful legs, from my flatter stomach and my lifting tush, my toned calves and slimmer arms...thank you!
(sorry so long)
Exactly.
It's been so long since I actually lost any weight, I can't remember what it was that worked for me!
when you choose to succeed, you're so proud of yourself. Yes, yes, yes! And I do agree that the real motivation kicks in when you start seeing success. I keep sabotaging myself. I get a little success and then something happens in my life that I allow to throw myself off. I hate it and it just lowers and lowers my self esteem. Also, I hate KNOWING that I am doing it. I wish I was really clueless and someone would tell me 'hey, look what you are doing" and it would be news to me and be the answer and then I'd stop my sabotaging behavior.
I love Kiki's comment. Plus, Kiki, you are motivating for me. 16 pounds! That is awesome!
Awwww Kiki -- you made me all weepy!! Good for you, girl!
Kiki,
Oh thank you for that. I am impressed that you are on there for so long!! And I am so happy that you have found you enjoy doing it. That's the best.
Julie,
"Also, I hate KNOWING that I am doing it"
word. It's like a double punishment.
Robin,
I'm with ya.
Post a Comment