Thursday, October 1, 2009

Feeling Tried

Lately I feel like I spend all my time just trying to get back up.
When I let myself dwell on it I can sometimes think we have a lot of bad luck.
It just doesn't seem like everyone else goes through all this.... all the time.
I wonder what it would be like to have a couple of months of just regular life.
A life where things unfold without crisis.
I wonder what it would be like to actually live life instead of react to it.
I feel like I am always reacting.
And it is exhausting.

15 comments:

inkelywinkely said...

I am sorry. ((hugs))

Surly Rob said...

You guys have definitely been through an epic patch of bad luck.

You may have seen this before, but it's great when you are feeling at the end of your rope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZVfHoTROgQ

Kelly said...

I promise that you aren't the only ones who go through this. I have had months and years where all I could do was react the best way I knew how and survive. Even though it doesn't seem like it, things will get better and more "normal"(if there is such a thing as normal). I am thinking of you all!

Andrea said...

"I wonder what it would be like to actually live life instead of react to it." amen I hope things turnaround quickly for you guys.

Amy said...

Oh Mrs. F....you're not the only one. I know this doesn't help you one bit, but I've gotta say it somewhere and misery loves company, so: Today we found out that Jared didn't get the raise that was written into hs contract, so I have no idea how we'll heat our house this winter. And, wait, this one's good, just got a letter last week that our health insurance might be terminated on the 10th...I'm due to have a baby on the 8th.
I am LOVIN' this.
But, what can I do? I just keep trucking, trying to enjoy life while saying the work "f*ck" every 30 to 60 minutes.
So yeah, unfortunately I feel your pain and it sucks ass. I wish you nothing but a quick turn of luck.
(Didn't mean to steel your thunder or anything, just had to write it all out somewhere)

Mrs Furious said...

I'm sorry Amy. That is exactly how that shit went down for us last winter... minus the having a baby. Maybe the stress will induce early labor? ;)

Torey said...

sorry everyone! sounds like lots of people are down.

remember how you had positive thoughts friday? let's have bitch fest friday instead!! can we??

Mrs Furious said...

Torey,
LOL... YES WE CAN!


inkelywinkely,
thanks

Surly Rob,
No I'd actually never watched that before. Thanks.


Kelly,
"years where all I could do was react the best way I knew how and survive"
Yeah that's where I'm at. I'm waiting for the next phase...


Andrea,
That's the main thing. I feel like so much of my time and energy is eaten up dealing with whatever new shit storm just blew in that it is almost impossible to have a moment and just live a day and be in that moment.

Claire said...

Watch this -
www.thedoorpost.com/hope/film/?film=4dd298f102c77b625cf37a9e7744ac68

or Google "The Butterfly Circus" and watch the behind the scenes part too.

julie said...

You will get through this. Life is beating you up right now. Plus, you are sad about Putty on top of everything else.

I so want good things to come your way soon. I really am praying...

Cara said...

unfortunately I feel that way too. just have to lift your head out of the darkness. i am sorry though, definitely allow yourself to be upset though. that is therapeutic!

Heather said...

I'm not trying to sound snarky, but um, everyone goes through terrible times. Like for instance when my newborn refused to eat in the NICU. That was fun. Or the time we both got to go to ER on separate trips on the night we brought the baby home from the NICU. Or the time Pete lost his job. Or the time I found out I was inches from losing mine, but saved and oh here are your new responsibilities and the whole team of people you'll work with are on the other coast and no, you can't move to be closer to the team. Or the time I had the optical migraine and thought I was dying. Or the time ... I could go on and on and on. It's just, life. It is what it is. I'm SO thankful for a healthy baby, a job that pays well, and a husband who is a GREAT dad and fortunately, has learned to be a great stay at home parent despite it not being what he wanted. I'm able to look at the those things and say wow, that was unfortunate, but WOW it could have been worse.

I think your outlook is particularly dark because of everything else that's bringing you down. I know it's been rough. God knows I know what that's like. My sympathies. I hope things brighten up and you're able to get some perspective and be thankful for the things you have. :)

Mrs Furious said...

argh seriously I just have to say... that when someone needs to get out the bad... that is what they NEED to do. It doesn't make them less thankful for what they have it means they need to have a place, a time, a space for showing some weakness and vulnerability. You can assume I'm wallowing around my life not functioning but you'd be wrong. I'm still taking care of 2 extra kids and my own and SHOWING UP. It's not just a huge bad week... it's been a bad year... after a bad year... after a bad year. When people say they're hurting it isn't helpful to say "things could be worse" or "be thankful for what you have"... everyone realizes that. It is okay to say "today I feel sorry for me". Really people. That's perfectly healthy and okay. That's where I'm at. Today. Today I'm feeling bad. And going there and feeling those feelings is an appropriate way to move through them.
It does not mean my perspective is off.
It means I'm depressed.
And feeling the need to "show me" I think speaks more to your own issues than mine.

angie said...

Mrs. F:

I am responding to your last comment and not the post. One of my pet peeves is when people talk about hard things that are going on in their life and then say "but at least I don't have cancer." or something like that. Like they have to apologize for needing to talk about the negative aspects of life. I think that is so unhealthy. Yes, there are often others who are going through harder times than we are. But there are also others going through easier times than us. It is HEALTHY to be able to say these things are happening, I think it sucks, and I need the my support system to give me some support. So good for you! You are dealing with the disappointments and stresses of life in a healthy manner. You could do crazy things like drink, eat weirdly (too much or not enough), or beat/ignore your kids. You do none of those. So good for you! I am proud of you.

Mr Furious said...

There's perspective up to the rooftops around our house. That's not a fucking problem. What would be nice would be a break.

Anything.

It's true none of us a terminally ill. I don't consider that a blessing—I consider that a given. Things can go down from there, but it's not exactly a high point.

In the eight years we've been parents (including pregnancies) we've had complication after complication. Both pregnancies for Mrs F were bad and had medical issues, and both resulted in surgery rather than delivery. And BAD hospital stays on top.

Kid has had more trips to the hospital than any person deserves over a lifetime. Countless tests and procedures and two operations all before turning 5. She's had two life-threatening seizures resulting in four years of constant vigilance and stress for the two of us.

The last time one of our children had unexplained fevers and hives was another hospital stay and batteries of tests—so when it looked like that might be shaping up for Baby, who'd always been healthy, it was a gut punch. Nobody likes to look at the worst-case scenario all the time, but since that's where we continually end up, it's hard not to.

I have a job, we're making ends meet—again, that's not great, that's to be expected. There's not a day that goes by that Mrs F and I don't realize that could change in a heartbeat.

Things could be worse...no kidding. But knowing that often means feeling like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

That fucking sucks. And you're allowed to say so without needing to be reminded what you're only too aware of.

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