Mrs. Furious ... Recipes, Rants & Reality: The Deciding Factors

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Deciding Factors

25 comments:

Kiki said...: 1. Your happiness IS important and you deserve to be abundantly happy where you live and how you live.

2. Ken is jealous of matt's new opportunity.

3. Having a plan, knowing what is in the future=already happier looking and sounding Mrs. Furious!

All signs point to this being an awesome and exciting choice!!! I can't wait for you guys!!!

P.S Are you are staying in the house until it sells?; February 24, 2010 at 12:41 PM
P/F said...: I totally get the slippery slope of sacrificing yourself to make your husband's life as rewarding as possible. It gets easier and easier for hubs to ask for another sacrifice, even without realizing he's doing so.

So glad that you get to make it back to A2. I so miss the not-so-distant noise of Michigan stadium on a Saturday afternoon. Like waves crashing.; February 24, 2010 at 1:06 PM
Sarah said...: I am so happy for you and your family. I am with Kiki...you look and sound very excited and happy about this already!!; February 24, 2010 at 1:21 PM
Mrs Furious said...: Kiki,
We're staying until June or the house sells whichever comes first. In June we'll decide if we want to lower our price to sell fast or keep it and rent it. We have two parcels so there is the potential to sell the land (our neighbor wants it) and have that equity to get a house in MI and then rent our current house. WE hope it doesn't come to that but at least we have options.

P/F,
exactly. Mr F has come to accept the way things have been lately as a new norm and stop recognizing how much I was sacrificing and how depressed I had become. He would just say "I don't want you to do that" or "You don't have to do that"... but he wasn't even in touch enough to understand what was going on. I think for him to have grasped how miserable I've been was too painful for him so he created an alternate reality. That's kind of his MO.; February 24, 2010 at 1:24 PM
G in Berlin said...: What a well-reasoned decision. As we move around, these thoughts are constantly in our minds as well and I'm glad to see you finding a better path. I often think that sometimes our ruts keep us in misery for no reason except our inability to see over them and I try hard to stand tall and look around and think about it, every now and then. I once spent 10 years in a situation I should have changed, and so I think about change more quickly now!; February 24, 2010 at 3:29 PM
Noah said...: P/F

I so miss the not-so-distant noise of Michigan stadium on a Saturday afternoon.

ALL U of M fans currently miss that noise. Have you seen their performance the past 2 seasons? And now NCAA practice violations??

Mrs F - The pain of moving again is way less than the soul-sucking agony you have been enduring. Good luck, and good move.; February 24, 2010 at 3:58 PM
lucinda said...: I am thrilled to have you home!; February 24, 2010 at 4:53 PM
Mrs Furious said...: mother,
than answer your damn phone

Smitty,
" The pain of moving again is way less than the soul-sucking agony you have been enduring. "
word

Rah,
thank you.

GinBerlin,
Good luck hammering out your own situation!; February 24, 2010 at 5:11 PM
P/F said...: Smitty,
Geez, some players are such babies :) I'm not a Michigan fan, just lived there - Beaver Stadium is much better, except for the fact that it's in the middle of nowhere.; February 24, 2010 at 6:27 PM
HC said...: Thank goodness you're moving back! And not just because there's a somewhat better chance that I'll someday visit Ann Arbor, in comparison to Asheville...

Think of how glorious everything is going to now seem in Michigan, which was once mundane.

PS I have that shirt!; February 24, 2010 at 6:42 PM
gooddog said...: Watching that video makes it damn clear that you guys made the right choice. The emotion around Ann Arbor and around what you have endured in Aville is pretty intense.

Good for you chosing your own adventure! It really makes me think and wonder if there are things in my life (not even big ones maybe) that I would be happier changing. hmmmm....

Also, on the kid note. So glad you will be back with MDs you trust and opportunities for care you need. CRUCIAL to a mom's heart.; February 24, 2010 at 6:42 PM
Julie said...: You already look happier!! I am so happy that you are moving back to AA.

Haley/HC,
there's a somewhat better chance that I'll someday visit Ann Arbor, in comparison to Asheville... I was thinking the same thing!! Mrs F, expect visitors;)

About the the doctors/specialists/developmental: I am only an hour away from world class specialists in Boston, yet that feels way too far away. What a relief it will be for you to be living back in AA near MDs you trust.

Oh by the way, I love your shirt.; February 24, 2010 at 7:21 PM
STACI said...: I loved your video. You could hear & see the relief in your words & face.

It so easy as moms/wives to put our needs on the back burner & just go with the flow. I'm glad you recognized that it wasn't doing anyone any good to have you that way. Also, great that Mr. F realized it too. That's huge. :)

Oh...and buying in MI is TOTALLY better than renting. When we bought 6 years ago it was still cheap & when friends would say they were renting for X amount I would just cringe. Their rent was ALWAYS more than our mortgage.

Good luck to you guys in selling & the purchasing of your new home!
I can't wait to see it all unfold. :)

Enjoy your night!; February 24, 2010 at 7:47 PM
Mrs Furious said...: HC,
Ooh come to Ann Arbor. Wear your shirt.

Julie,
It's from Target. You guys should come to. I'm looking at decrepit mansions so they'll be tons of room!
(Target should pay me.)

Staci,
especially in AA I'm thinking... rents have never gone down but houses are 1/2 the price that they were a couple years ago. We actually couldn't afford to rent there, and yet we can easily buy a house. Crazy.; February 24, 2010 at 8:47 PM
Mrs Furious said...: gooddog,
The medical factor can't be down played. It's a dream come true for me to get her back there. I do not like her eye surgeon here at all.; February 24, 2010 at 8:53 PM
Mr Furious said...: Oddly enough the "You Might Also Like" thing randomly chose the post where Mrs F announces that we are NOT moving. I'm glad because it allowed me to re-read it.

At the time I certainly appreciated Mrs F for her sacrifice, but in many ways I focused too much on the unenviable task she had of carefully calculating the financial impact of moving or not moving, and spent too much time honoring that rather than the greater sacrifice of her actually choosing to extend her own prison term here—something I argued against repeatedly but was about to let happen.

Why? Because Mrs F's ability to self-sacrifice is like a mutant superpower—just as Superman can't control his strength, Mrs F can't stop screwing herself over by meeting someone (everyone) else's needs. And that power is strong enough that others cannot escape it. So, in short order she had me convinced we were making the right decision at the time by staying, even though both of surely knew individually we were making a mistake.

I can clearly see that EVERY non-work aspect of our life will dramatically improve with this move and I'm ecstatic to be able to do that for the family.

And the truth is, much as my current job rewarded me creatively and was stimulating and I worked with people I enjoy and like...at times it was absolutely killing me with the workload, and was becoming less and less worth it financially and personally.

I am excited about the new job, and despite my hesitation about it, I am confident I will be just as fulfilled.

So that sounds like a massive WIN for all parties.

I just hope the house sells fast because the time without Mrs F and the girls will be torture.; February 25, 2010 at 12:30 AM
Mr Furious said...: Kiki,

Mrs F's happiness IS important!

Are we headed into a life where we are actually all happy and fulfilled at the same time?

Wow, what a novel concept!

I look forward to it... :-); February 25, 2010 at 12:34 AM
Kiki said...: Oh Mr.F...I hope it didn't sound like I thought you didn't value Mrs. F's happiness...I definitely know how much you care that she is fulfilled, I would hate if I sounded like I didn't acknowledge that. I think it's going to be an amazing opportunity for all of you and by the way...Ken is hoping you'll be blogging about the cars you get to test!!!; February 25, 2010 at 1:40 AM
Mrs Furious said...: Kiki,
do not worry about Mr F's feelings he is fine... I think he entered into a tad of a defensive mode here last night ;); February 25, 2010 at 7:50 AM
Kinder said...: Who-hoo for taking back your life and choosing your own path!; February 25, 2010 at 9:25 AM
Mr Furious said...: No worries, Kiki. I knew exactly what you meant. I was just repeating it.

Valuing Mrs F's happiness and acknowledging her sacrifice is something I need to do more often.

--

Also, in my comment last night I treated Mrs F's sacrifices as something she's unaware of or not in control of...that's not exactly true. To keep the comment light-hearted, I made light of what really is her nature, and something she consciously does: which is live a completely selfless life where she always is putting other people's needs ahead of her own. Whether mine, the kids, or a babysitting parent, her extended family...anyone really.

I try to be aware of that in the moment but it's hard for me. Mrs F and I are perfectly suited to fall into this trap due to our upbringings.

I came from a family where one parent took total advantage of the other and lived a completely entitled life. And much as that sickened me growing up, it's far too easy to become unaware of repeating that behavior.

And Mrs F has a lifetime of sacrificing herself behind her, and a family that was more than happy to take advantage of that without acknowledgment.

The best hope for us is that unlike my mom, Mrs F is self-aware, sensitive and strong enough to snap us out of it at times and call everyone out.

We've all come out of this experience stronger in one way or another and learned valuable lessons, so in many, many ways it was worth doing. It is just unfortunate that it had to be as hard on Mrs F as it was—and I'm not sure that price wasn't too high. And it was difficult for me to really acknowledge that at the time so i would focus elsewhere—my job mostly, both the good and the bad. Or, as Mrs F alluded, just create an alternate reality where things weren't quite that bad.

Rachel, the greatest thing about this decision is that it gives you the best chance at the happiness you really, finally, deserve.

As I said in the comment when we thought we were saying, "I'm a very lucky man." I really am.

Maybe I need to tattoo that on my arm.; February 25, 2010 at 10:09 AM
Julie said...: I think I need to get Tom to start talking with me on my blog and telling me how much he appreciates me. I bow down to you, Mr F, for being so aware of how special Mrs F is and writing it on the blog for all of us readers to see!! Awesomeness.; February 25, 2010 at 6:35 PM
Mrs Furious said...: julie,
does it help but things in perspective that I had just given him a serious talking to right before he wrote that?; February 25, 2010 at 6:45 PM
Julie said...: Mrs F, I figured that:); February 25, 2010 at 9:19 PM
Kiki said...: Ok, I'm glad we're all good....I think you both are amazing!!!; February 25, 2010 at 11:27 PM

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