Mrs F: "Are you ready for the greatest night of television ever?"
Mr F (sarcasticly, sort of): "I should live blog it."
Mrs F: "I'm against live-blogging I think it's stupid.
Do it. That'll be hilarious."
Mr F here. Bringing you the same world-class coverage honed through countless playoff games and State of the Union Addresses... Let's rock, single white airline pilot-style.
8:02 -- Nice wedgie, Jake.
8:05 -- Jake: "When I'm with Vienna, she makes me feel like I'm the only guy in the room." Mrs F: "You are!"
8:07 -- The Family. What a bunch of crybabies. Jake: "They're very different. Night and day." Also, very pretty and absolutely ghastly. Intelligent and brain dead...
8:09 -- Why did you bring up Vienna's faults to your family? Because they subconsciously worry the shit out of you!
8:10 -- Holy cow. The Dad is totally sappy just like hers.
8:13 -- Mom, if you would "be honored to have Tenley in the family" you are going to disown your son when he introduces Vienna to you...
8:19 -- When we return—the RUDE AWAKENING!
8:21 -- What is up with Vienna and the hair/rope/crown thing she constantly busts out?
8:25 -- Wow, this is going badly...That mom is shooting daggers.
8:28 -- Vienna failed that test all by herself, fool. Nothing to do with your setting her up.
8:30 -- Again. Drop the preconceived notion hang-up, dude. Let's hope your brothers knock some sense into you.
8:38 -- Are you fucking kidding me? There's a reason none of you liked her. Trust your freaking guts.
8:40 -- Mrs F: "That dad doesn't like Vienna. He's in love with Tenley." He never had a word to say about Vienna. Seriously. Did he ever open his mouth?
8:45 -- Nothing says romance like the stink of sulphur.
8:48 -- Pretty sure the mud-wrestling won't be a major part of marriage...
8:49 -- Well, if what you "need in a wife" is a totally immature bimbo, then you're all set!
8:54 -- Mrs F: "Oh God, she's wearing one of her hideous negligees..."
8:55 -- Yeah Jake! Vienna has a promise ring from her dad to offer! Awesome! He probably made it himself out of beer can tabs.
8:57 -- Enough with your dad! Then marry your freaking dad already!
8:58 -- Did she write that love note in crayon?
8:58 -- Mrs F: "He holds you tight so he doesn't have to look at your face."
9:07 -- Here it comes. He's got that face on. Jake's bout to fuck this whole thing up.
9:09 -- Dude. don't fucking forget that she's only dating one of you. She doesn't go off and spend the next night with some Chippendales dancer like you do with Vienna. You are totally compartmentalizing—emotional with Tenley, physical (somehow) with Vienna. It's completely different for them.
9:11 -- She's too good for you jackass. It's over. I hope you ask her and she says no.
9:19 -- Mrs F: "I'll shoot you in the fucking head if you pick Vienna!"
9:20 -- I found that apology pretty freaking weak. she's giving you a chance you don't deserve.
9:21 -- Mrs F: "You didn't chose to take Tenley freaking mud-wrestling. You went snorkeling at a shipwreck. How physical is that going to get? And then you hold it against her!"
9:23 -- During a break, they are casting for the next show. Mrs F: "Let's do it. You'll still pick me."
9:29 -- Actual Vienna Quote: "Jake and I's chemistry..."
9:31 -- Obligatory shirt buttoning shot.
9:32 -- This is getting pathetic. Flip a fucking coin already.
9:33 -- Jake: "I can't believe it's come to this." Yeah. Me either, moron.
9:33 -- Did Vienna make all of her clothing out of one bolt of green fabric?
9:35 -- Looking at Vienna, Mr F: "It's like marrying Dr Torrez." Mrs F. "But dumb."
9:41 -- Helipad showdown! Jake is falling apart. He needs a pow-wow with Chris Harrison!
9:42 -- Yes! Chris! Put Tenley back in that copter! Spare her this idiot.
9:43 --There it is! That fucking face of his. He's not asking Tenley!
9:45 -- You're dodging a serious bullet, Tenley. He's a moron. And a child.
9:46 -- Mrs F: "Somebody shoot me."
9:46 -- Mrs F: "I can't believe he doesn't change his mind." Mr F: "He can't change his mind, NOW."
9:47 -- Mrs F: "I hope Tenley gets to be the next Bachelorette."
9:48 -- Mrs F: "You are the biggest idiot of all time. You're going to have a horrible life and you deserve it."
9:49 -- Chris Harrison has to be like, "What the fuck?"
9:52 -- Dancing with Stars reveal...Kate Fucking Gosselin? Have we not seen enough of her?
9:58 -- Mrs F: "Does Jake know that noses never stop growing?"
9:59 -- Yes! The rope hairdoo!
9:59 -- Jake: "I think you're an amazing woman." Mrs F: "I'm not sure she's a woman."
10:00 -- WTF with the damn ring from her father?
10:02 -- Vienna: "I'm so happy right now!" Mrs F: "No one's happy for you. you just sucked my soul out."
After the Rose:
10:06 -- Chris, America will talk about this for exactly as long as it takes to say "What the hell was he thinking?"
10:07 -- Chris, to the audience and Tenley, "Let's take a look at what happened." Really? We just watched it ten minutes ago, and you have torment Tenley with this?
10:10 -- The something missing? Jake's frontal lobe. Maybe with Vienna they can combine for a whole brain.
10:12 -- Chris: "When we come back, Jake'll be here to answer some questions." Mr and Mrs F: "Oh, God."
10:13 -- Tom Bergeron "You've been watching number eleven all night—" Mr F: "TENLEY!" Bergeron: "Jake the fucking idiot Bachelor." Mr F: "Oh, fuck him!"
10:22 -- Jake: "This is not goodbye." Mrs F: "His dad will marry you."
10:28 -- Jake: "Vienna's my baby." Mr F: "Literally."
10:36 -- Vienna comes out... Mr. F: "Green dress?" Mrs F: "Ugh, Look at how awful her hair is."
10:38 -- Mrs F (pauses the tv): "She's clearly a brunette. I wonder if she'd look better with brown hair?" Me: "No."
10:41 -- Somehow Vienna was eight years old in junior high.
10:42 -- The polite applause and lack of laughter at Vienna's jokes speaks volumes.
10:43 -- We're both hoping the next Bachelorette is Gia.
10:44 -- Garnier commercial—Vienna looks a bit like Sarah Jessica Parker (not in a good way). I pause it for Mrs F. She returns to the room, "Wow, Vienna's twin." Except SJP's hair isn't completely burned out.
10:48 -- number of people in this room and that studio who knew the artist who sang that song is Jeffrey Osborne? Zero. Sorry, Jeffrey.
10:50 -- Jeffrey's doing an admirable job of not vomiting as he sings.
10:53 -- Tenley—Gia—Tenley—Gia...Gia...And the next bachelorette is Allie? Mr F: "What? Screw Allie!" Mrs F: "She's the LAST person I wanted."
10:55 -- Mrs F: "What? Now we have no standards for Bachelor or Bachelorette anymore? At least in the old days you had to be a millionaire. Now you can just be a 25 year old (Mr F simultaneously) loser."
10:57 -- Mr F: "I know what I won't be watching next season." Mrs F: "I know, she just ruined it for me."