I had some kind of gastro illness this weekend. Mr F got it too but not as badly or for as long. How is it that he lost 3 pounds and I lost.... anyone?.... NOTHING. Asshole.
Both the girls are driving me up a wall. I know it is the stress of everything that is going on (I get that) but the day in day out whiny, clingy-ness of Baby and the day in day out crazy tantrums of Kid (hello regression!) are pushing me over the edge. I was barely clingy to the edge before they decided to lose their minds. This is going to be a hard transition. HARD.
I almost cried myself to sleep last night. I was just too tired to follow through. That and my stomach hurt.
This pending separation is bringing up a lot of feelings for me. There are the legitimate, current, stresses of solo parenting for three and a half months, taxes, continuing education credits, daycare, AND selling our house. It's a lot.
BUT it also stirs up past injuries of having divorced parents. My father moved to New Jersey when I was 12. I would see him on vacations. That would mean I'd often go... how long?... 3 or so months between visits. It was hard and incredibly sad time for me. I felt abandoned. I was heart broken. I'd lie in bed and try to communicate telepathically with him. Things were never the same.
And this current situation is stirring those feelings up. Even though I know what is going on, and where these feelings are coming from, it is hard to separate those feelings out from my current ones. It just makes everything about this feel more *sad* and intense. My anxiety about what's coming up is definitely ramping up as we get closer to Mr F's moving day.
I'm just trying to get up and preform well each day. Do what I need to do and not get too caught up in my current head game. It's hard though. My head is attached to me.
I wish we had a set time line. I wish our house was in contract so I'd KNOW what and when things were going to happen. My patience and control issues are being challenged. And it's hard for me.
I hope we get some showings on the house this week.
That would go a long way toward making me feel better.
8 comments:
I'm thinking of you Mrs. F!!!
Hang in there. Just look for that light at the end of the tunnel.
It may only be a speck, but soon it will be that beacon of light your hoping for.
Best Wishes....
Ugh about all of the old memories and hurts being stirred up. You have so much shit going on. I do think that once Mr F is up in Michigan, as hard as it will be, it will be the beginning of the end of Ashville. And that can only feel good.
Maybe if you plan visits to see Mr. F in Michigan and put those on the calendar for you and the girls to see. Looking forward to something might make you all feel better??
Lori,
thanks... I know... I think it will get better, ironically, after he leaves. Then it will be just the next step closer.
julie,
I agree. It's only this week that I realized what all these intense feelings were about. I think a lot is just focused on *the leaving*... that is where the unresolved feelings are for me. I think once we get past this I'll just start to do what I need to do without the emotional part (hopefully).
Rob,
You're right I hope we can do that. We're planning on going up for Easter... so it's extra ridiculous I feel this way since that will only be 3 weeks. But after that it'll be harder since Kid won't have any school breaks the following 3 months. I'm hoping (if his work load is okay) we'll be able to Priceline some flights every once in a while. It's unfortunately too far a drive to do both ways in one weekend.
Oh my Lord, that's a lot to deal with. Sometimes I find that when I feel sick physically, my emotions get the best of me too. I hope you'll be feeling yourself in no time.
Please don't even think of a road trip - ahhhhhhhh that was crazy.
P.O.M.,
word.
I am driving up for Easter and I am afraid. Baby has mellowed out some and I hope that means we can make it without her unbuckling herself on the freeway. Remind me to put to turn on the child lock on the doors before I go ;)
But you may remember her screaming from security straight through landing that went down when flying up for Xmas. Honestly I don't which is worse.
At least now you can Skype Mr. F, so that the separation feels very temporary to you and the kids. Much more reliable than telepathy.
Hang in there. I know it's a tall order, but you _can_ make it through this. Probably even sane. :)
I know all of the consoling words in the world won't break through the anxiety leading up to this temporary (I hope very temporary) separation, but I hope it helps to know so many people are thinking of you while you work through the emotions and slog through the waiting.
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