So, for me, yesterday's post was as good as blogging gets.
For some of you? Not so much.
But here is what I need everyone to know. (I think I explain this but I guess it bears repeating)
I blog for three reasons:
1. To entertain
2. To socialize
3. To process my feelings
Some rare moments I can pull off all three in one post. Sometimes I can't seem to pull off a single one in a full week of posts.
When I sit down to write (like I am this morning), I don't have a plan. I sit down and my fingers type and what I need to say seems to flow to the screen uninterrupted. It's a lot like lying down on an analysts couch.
And it is helpful. It is immensely helpful, therapeutic, and thought provoking FOR ME.
It's not about trying to gain sympathy, or validation, or readership, or (horrors) disdain.
It's about me sitting down and having 10 minutes to myself and seeing what comes bubbling up to the surface.
For weeks I've been stressed about the upcoming move (which is too legit to quit I might add). But I've also been feeling a layer of sadness that I wasn't even aware of.
Until the other night when I went to lay down and had the flood gates feeling. WTF? Why am I sad? Stressed and overwhelmed I got, but sad?
And then it came to me. And I sat down to write and it wasn't until I was typing that out from my fingers flowed the memory that I would see my Dad every 3 or so months.
Things like that happen all the time for me.
And I pay attention. And I listen. And I change.
It's not for you. It's for me.
I've talked about taproots before. Well this move triggered a taproot to a grief I've had buried for over 20 years. A grief I was too young to understand or process and so it lay there dormant.
Until now. Mr F moving for a better job. Leaving us here feeling stuck... it is an exact replay of what happened to me as a child.
Without knowing it I started laying on the grief of that to the current situation.
And THAT'S why things have seemed SO overwhelming, and undoable, and stressful (which they really are.... stressful that is... factually one of life's greatest stresses).
It hasn't been so much about the move as it has been about feeling the grief and hurt and stress of my father's move.
The fact that I have a place where I can allow myself to explore my feelings openly and honestly and without shame, allowed for me to make that connection.
It's allowed me to spend some time processing THOSE feelings. Making some peace with those hurts and those fears. Letting that sadness bubble up and OUT. So that it doesn't have to co-mingle and intensify what is going on with me today.
That's therapy. That's why therapy works. Because, now, having figured that out. Having identified the source of the fear and pain has allowed me to label it. To understand it. To move through it.
I don't have to repeat it just because the situation is similar. (apply to all things... dieting anyone?)
I think it is easy to forget (I do when reading others') that a post is just a snapshot of a moment of someone's day. It is not the entirety of their experience.
I can sit down to write and have the stress of our move come spilling up onto the key board. That's real. That's honest.
But that doesn't mean I don't have good days.
That I don't still laugh hysterically till I collapse on the floor. That I don't still wear dress socks while I workout in the living room. That I'm not still making dinner and making the beds. And everything else. I function. I succeed.
That is just one small raw moment.
Maybe that appears self indulgent, or immature, or dramatic, or naive, or whatever negative you'd like to insert.
I'm okay with that. It's just about the only thing I get to do that is for myself. And it works for me.
Profoundly.
So, try not to take everything so literally.
I post these posts to help me sort it all out.
All of it.
How I put it together so that I don't let these things drag me down (too much).
I don't need to pretend things are perfect or I've got everything under control.
I'm not too concerned with reflecting well because I never thought that actually reflected well.
I'm most concerned with being well. And I don't know how to do that without, first, being honest.
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22 comments:
Mrs. F,
Not sure what happened, if someone said something not so nice or what. If so, they don't have to read your blog. I think your situation is stressful and in a word, sucks, for right now. I love reading your blog...you rock!
taproot, LOVE IT. i just had one of these at my therapist office and she explained it to me. she said our childhood and what we went through is in us cellularly. it makes so much sense. i swear there are so many things that i think EVERYONE feels and when i discuss with hubby he explains to me NO. and when i talk with therapist she explains NO. growing. learning. it is all good.
going on our 5th day with someone sick in the house and staying in. FUN stuff.
It was one of those classic "things could be worse" suggestions coming from someone who meant well, but at the end of the day, that's not a response that Mrs F is looking for.
"It was one of those classic "things could be worse" suggestions coming from someone who meant well..."
Things can always be worse, can't they? I hate the implication that you can't just wallow in your negative thoughts occasionally without someone marching in and saying, "Well it could be worse. You could be living in a basketball." (http://www.weirdasianews.com/2008/12/22/qian-hongyan-basketball-girl/)
Your blog is real, Mrs. F. That's what makes it interesting. Your post yesterday made me stop and think about my family's limbo living situation and think about my own taproots. I appreciate that.
Deb,
How did you happen to be trolling the Weird Asia News website?
limbo is no good. I'm way too controlling. It really is like a hell on Earth for me to sit here and just wait.
trifitmom,
sorry to hear you're sick now too.
"there are so many things that i think EVERYONE feels and when i discuss with hubby he explains to me NO. "
This just happened around here when I was telling Mr F that I think everyone thinks that putting away groceries and cleaning are beneath them. He told me that was probably just me. Hmm.
Kellie,
thanks. I think there is large group of people who get what I'm doing but there is another group that when I start to talk feelings (or even when I'm just really sarcastic) take things too literally.
I, for one, am envious of your ability to "get it out there" so you can process what you need to.
Keep on doing what you are doing Mrs. F. You know what works best for you.
When my husband "ditched" us two months ago to start a new job across the country, I also felt abandoned and shackled with all the responsibility (being from a divorced family makes you feel differently about these things!). A few weeks into it, when I had moved past the fear- I honestly felt like I was thriving. I was stepping up to the challenge and that was so rewarding.
Just like Kellie said, "you rock". I love your blog, because it IS real and you aren't trying to sugar coat these difficult life situations and transitions. Some of us can barely process the day to day, let alone look within and try to sort out what makes us tick. Good for you for going there!
Mrs. F - I love the real emotion and I definitely love the sarcasm. I always find it gratifying to check in here and find so many people who share similar feelings and a common sense of humor, even on days when I don't comment. So, certainly do it for you...But know that secretly I feel like you are doing for me too! :)
I totally get you. I think it is so interesting when we can figure out why we may be feeling the way we are...where the roots are.
Yeah, things can always be worse, but shit, things CAN be better,too. Why do we always have to feel guilty for for our feelings? Or somehow qualify it? Obviously you are not sitting on your couch crying all day over these feelings that are being wrestled up...you have kids and other people's kids to take care of, but this blog is the place to get that rough stuff out there so you can better understand yourself and be present with your present:) It's better than having a complete breakdown over one's burrito order not coming out right...or you know, whatever doesn't go the way you want and need it to at the time.
Um yes, I completely, and I mean completely, broke down crying last week when Tom brought home a burrito bowl for me and it was was messed up. Obviously, my breakdown was not about the burrito, but without an outlet that's sometimes what happens.
I love you, kid. Oh and you, too, Kid...and Baby and Mr F, too.
PS Murph just got diagnosed as ADHD (with an emphasis on the "H") yesterday. Eventually I will blog about all the freaking shit we have been up to here.
these feelings that are being wrestled up LOL...I meant to write 'rustled up', not wrestled up. But hey, it is kind of like wrestling...the feelings are trying to beat the hell out you or vice versa;)
LOL... Actually, I wasn't trolling it. That bit about "you could be living in a basketball" was a joke a co-worker of mine and I used to use whenever someone started down the path of "it could be worse". I can't even begin to tell you how we found out about that new story. I figured giving you the link might give you a smile. I've actually blogged about how irritated I get when people say that, because as well-meaning as it is, all it does is invalidate the recipient's feelings.
And, yes, the limbo is a major emotional obstacle for Control Freak Me, as well. Someday in the near future, I'll know where we'll be living, then the work can begin.
P.S. I love Julie's comment on this thread--that bit about having to justify or feel guilty is so right-- and I have TOTALLY cried over things as seemingly innocuous as a messed up burrito bowl.
You know I know, I see your heart and while I may not feel how you're feeling....you are entitled to feel it and express it on what is in fact, YOUR BLOG. I wouldn't expect any less than the authentic you....and I love that about you!!!
Yeah, "things could be worse" translates better from oneself rather than from other people, lol!
I haven't been to therapy, but when I am feeling sad or stressed, I make a list of everything that is bothering me. Then, I can actually "cross-off" the things I have NO control over, prioritize the things I can take control of, and finally get to sleep.
Let us know when you're having a cocktail--I'll have one with you down here in Texas!
:)
Ive thought about your post all night I couldnt sleep and kept thinking about why do others have a response of oh it could be worse or look on the bright side or we do have this this and this, why cant pople say I understand or hey if you need anything let me know or hell keep it shut.I have never been able to tell people it could be worse because I sort of fell that if I do and it does become worse or the situation becomes more daunting then I feel guilty. I will listen and respond with I hope things get better and I hope you know Im here for you, because genuinely I feel I do better sending postive vibes to somebody. Then make them feel worse even if its not meant that way. I love that your open yourself up to everyone on your blog I believe it helps others open up too.
I feel like I'm in a situation very similar to the one that you're in; but not quite as far in the process.
Right now, because of the true sense of limbo we're navigating around, I'm not able to think of anything else or process my feelings about what's going on at all. I'm exercising to get rid of some of the stress, but there is no reason that I have to have a chocolate bar 4 times/week.
I read your post the other day about the feelings that the move/separation bring up and it makes me more aware of some of my husband's reservations in leaving us here for a couple of months. He hasn't been alone ironically since he lived with his mother before college.
I also know that I often am afraid that I'll unintentionally say the wrong thing when trying to offer words of support, so I avoid saying anything. I just want to let you know that I think that you're doing an amazing job with your family, and by writing this blog you make it possible for many of us (or at least me)to process our own feelings that we'd probably try to deny or keep buried otherwise.
P/F,
"by writing this blog you make it possible for many of us (or at least me)to process our own feelings that we'd probably try to deny or keep buried otherwise"
Awesome. That makes me feel really good. Thanks.
Loralei,
Thanks
Liz,
"being from a divorced family makes you feel differently about these things!"
It's really true. I think this can't be underestimated in these kind of situations. There are a lot of times that I want to write about how growing up with divorced parents has profoundly effected almost every major part of my life as an adult. Maybe one day I will...
Gigs,
"But know that secretly I feel like you are doing for me too!"
I am ;)
Julie,
" Or somehow qualify it? "
That's the thing that always gets me. Because of the public format of this I always feel like I have to somehow set the stage for my complaints instead of just letting them out. It always pisses me off when I cave to that impulse. I wish there wasn't that large cultural pressure that our feelings are only acceptable if they are positive.
Sorry about Murphy. Just remember (I'm sure you do) that the diagnosis doesn't change the kid.
Deb,
omg on that site was a story of an Indian girl forced to marry a dog. I might have to bookmark Weird Asia News. It delivers as promised.
Kiki,
Thank you.
SK,
I'm planning my trip to World Market for Easter candy and interesting drink mixers on Friday!
Andrea,
"because genuinely I feel I do better sending postive vibes to somebody"
What a different world it would be if everyone followed suit.
Sorry about Murphy. Just remember (I'm sure you do) that the diagnosis doesn't change the kid. Oh, I know. We are actually relieved. Hey, it could have been worse;)
We all were in such a better mood after the diagnosis. It was like 'Thank God it is ADHD." We were afraid it was all due to us screwing him up or something;)
That said, he is still the same nugget of fun and cuteness, except when he is total pain in the ass;)
It is amazing to me that you are able to drill down and come up with such useful information from your past. I have so few memories from my childhood.
Your blog rocks and so do you!!
Rob,
Thanks
"It is amazing to me that you are able to drill down and come up with such useful information from your past."
Seventeen years of therapy helped in that department.
i know i've said this before but i love reading your blog. it makes me laugh when i've had a bad day, it makes me feel like someone else understands when i can relate to what you are going through, and it has taught me a lot. my husband it so grateful for your recipes and compacting tips;)!!! thanks for continuing with it all. i think about your family often and am still hoping, praying, sending good things your way. you deserve it!
I think most of your regs "get it." I love your honesty and the way you actually process things (as opposed to me who just stuffs it all down until I snap). I only wish I could be as open and thought provoking as you. Strength woman - that's what you's gots!
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