I've been thinking a lot about myself lately... and no not in a narcissistic fashion. A couple weeks ago I posted about recognizing that cleaning is not my priority and coming to terms with that being a choice I make and trying to see it less as a failure to do my "job" and more a reflection of my deeply felt beliefs. Well I'm kind of going through the same thing with my manic-ness. I'm not really sure manic is the exact right term but I can't think of another word that basically represents the antithesis of calm. I think manic is a fairly loaded word and I really am talking more about energy levels and antsy-ness.
Here is the thing... I DON'T SIT STILL. Ever wonder how I can pump out so many weekly posts and still manage to shoot 10 freaking YouTube videos a day?!? Well I'm never just taking a breather. As soon as I sit down to do so (like right now) I'm back up grabbing my camera or laptop and putting more of my crazy thoughts out there. Maybe I need to do that to get my head a little more clear before I can relax. But somehow one thing leads to another and I never did sit down and finish that next chapter... or all the cookbooks I got from the library... or the cheap magazines I got at the grocery store.
For a while now I've been drawn to Waldorf philosophy. My brother's girls go to a Waldorf school and their mother was a teacher there. Her house is so clean and calm and devoid of clutter. And I always leave thinking that I want some of that... kind of. I leave thinking I should want it.... and maybe feeling a little less than because I don't. I read a great book this past fall. And the author (who is also clearly influenced by the Waldorf culture) was struggling/succeeding in trying to have a more peaceful meaningful life. I absolutely believe that many of the Waldorf beliefs can help you have that... but I'm realizing more and more that it is just not a fit for me. And on many fronts we already do many of the things that they emphasize.
What I'm coming to terms with (and hey maybe this is a 30s thing) is the parts of my personality that I enjoy and/or bring the most joy. And people many manic zaniness is definitely one of those things. Would type of family memories would my girls have if I was calm and sat in a chair and read a book? Would they be more fulfilling or rewarding or happy memories than the ones they'll have of me doing my acrobatic preformances or trying to shove toys down Mr F's pants while he's doing dishes?
I crave the calm because I'm not. I'm not calm because I had an unstable childhood... I do get that. But I'm no longer so sure calm is better. We're not crazy yellers or anything. We all eat dinner together every night with cloth napkins (that's a little Waldorf for you). But we are crazy. And although I'm sure Kid would enjoy if I sat on the couch and snuggled a bit more... you should see the gleam she gets in her eye when I'm doing something so off-the-wall and childlike.
I think I'm coming into myself more and starting to see myself for the choices I make and less for the choices I don't make.
One More YouTube Video (it's short! and relevant)