Sunday, August 17, 2008

So Here's What's Going On...

Moving is stressful. More stressful than I had remembered. Made all the worse by the fact that I have no local support system. Yes I know in time that will change... but that is "in time" as in not any help to me NOW when I am in fact in need of support.
Add to all that that the house is chaotic and in various states of unpacked/packed/and just plain filthy since who's going to bother cleaning a toilet when you haven't even found a place to store your toilet paper?!

On top of all that is the fact that Mr F's job is a bit more time consuming than I had thought it would be. At his old job he would actually call me... to chat no less... he was a constant presence on the blog. In many ways our marriage was better than ever lately because he was able to stay up to date on all my homebound on goings. Now he's got a glass office... and... um... he can't exactly hang out on the wife's blog all day. Fine I get that. I do. The problem with all this is that we went from best friends to mere acquaintances practically over night... and during the time when I need a friend most. He's the only person I know and he doesn't have time to talk to me. See? Well Mr F didn't... and that's creating some extra tension on the home front ;) He wasn't really getting that while he got a new job with fun people and locations to scout... I lost my whole social network... and with his busier hours I felt like he wasn't being my friend anymore either.

I realize a lot of families live a life like this. One where one parent comes home in time to tuck their kids in bed and then works some more. I get that not everyone has time to "chat" at work... but this is like a 180 out of nowhere for us. And I was feeling very isolated before Mr F decided to go all antisocial on me. It's made me really regret moving here and I'm not sure the job is worth the loss of family time. I'm not sure Mr F would have thought so either if he'd had time to process everything before we just up and came down here. I'm regretting enrolling Kid in the private school and wishing I'd invested the same amount in a camper so I could travel with the kids instead of being stuck here... alone.

Things will change. I know. But that isn't immediate. It takes a long time to establish roots somewhere. I've been out exploring and doing the things "you're supposed to do" around here... and it's something to do... but it isn't fulfilling. I'm still alone. I still have no one to talk to. I might as well be in a foreign land where I don't speak the language. And I'm not just saying that... I really feel out of my element here. It is the weirdest feeling.


Jennifer said...

Yeh. I know. lol. I didn't move to another State, but my husband of 12 years moved OUT of my house, out of my life. I lost the only person I hung out with. Not exactly the same, but I'll betcha its the same kind of loneliness. Only he doesn't ever come back, only to pick up small boy for visits. I have no one during the day to call and tell if something really funny happens. It sucks. I respond to that by eating.

I don't have anything I can tell you that will make you feel better. :( Just don't respond to it by eating because then you will feel 10 times even worse. People told me to channel that hurt into exercise blah blah blah. The only thing is, it doesn't leave you very energetic. In fact, it leaves you feeling very drained.

I don't know what the answer is. I haven't found it yet. And I don't know if it gets better. I think when your relationship changes with someone you love, it changes your whole existance.

You are lucky though, you can at least try and find another way to get what you need out of your husband and your relationship. Don't let it get too far out of control. You can make family game night. Or you can make a date night .. only at home. Put the kids to bed and have drinks together or put some music on and slow dance. Try to put some of the romance back in. That is probably what you r lacking .. in your own Furious way .. each relationship has their own idea of romance. Togetherness was part of yours and that is lacking now. So, put forth the effort and it will trickle down into the rest of your life.

All right, enough of the babble from me!

Take good care Mrs. F.

Robin said...

I'm so sorry. I know what you mean about you and Mr. F being best friends. My husband and I use gtalk all day long while he is at work. On occasion, he travels, and then we don't get to "chat" and it makes me really lonely. So I know how losing that contact can make you feel, and you've been there for a couple of weeks already.

I sincerely hope it gets :)

Julie said...

No real NPR?! Aaaaahhhh...I feel for you.

I am so sorry you are feeling lonely. It can be lonely enough as a stay at home mom, but then to be out of your element and away from the friends and familiar faces of your old town, it must be so hard.

You know, I do google talk (gtalk) like Robin with my husband throughout the day, too. It really is great since I was used to talking to Tom at work during the day more frequently. You should check into it.

Jennifer, it makes me so sad for you to have to be going through all that:(

I really hope you get your house unpacked and in order soon. That will be really good in helping to feel in control of something. Yes, that and the whole food and exercise thing. We believe in you and think you are such a way cool and fanatastic person. Are there any playgroups to join with Baby? Or a Newcomers Club? I know it can stink to have to be "on" and in meeting all new people mode. Thinking of you.

kelly said...

I keep reading about your moving sadness and I wish I knew what to say to help, but I've got nothing.
Except to say that I feel for you and at least there's your internet friends!

I truly hope things improve for you.

Missives From Suburbia said...

WAIT! Not even NPR? Holy cow, hon. I survived my first winter in Minnesota by driving my son around during nap time some days, listening to NPR. (I know, that is pathetic, but whatever.)

I know how you feel. I really do. Moving from Portland to St. Paul was not only a shock to my daily life and social network, but the cultures were radically different. We've been here for over 18 months and I still only have one or two friends that I really like and a return to Portland a few weeks ago reminded me just how special my friends there were and how they embraced me when we moved there.

I felt the same way about my husband, too. That came back eventually, although I was pretty bitter about the move and my sacrifices for a while. We've come back around again, although I do fear the addition of a second child is going to upend things temporarily again.

I'd hug you if I could. Then we'd go get a cup of tea someplace fun and let the kids play together.

If you haven't already, check out and see if there are any cool parenting groups in town. You might also check out the Attachment Parenting web site and see if there are any local chapters in your area. That's how I met one of my girlfriends here.

Missives From Suburbia said...

(Sorry for the giant comment. I'm reading your posts and having flashbacks to my life after our move, and I really feel for you, so I sort of spewed.)

Anonymous said...

Word. (taking your cue, LOL). I think I went through a little depression when I moved here (seven years ago). Now we've been trying to get our house ready to move again, and it's possible that (partly) I have not been motivated to finish packing because I am fearful of going through that again...

carla said...

I have so been there.

in new house 6 months and just now starting to be home.



Haley said...

I'm sorry things are sucking so hard right now. I still feel like I'm trying (and generally failing) to build a support network here in NJ, after leaving really great friends in Boston. Being up there this past weekend made me so homesick for it. Since coming down here I've basically filled that friend gap with the boyfriend and my family, which makes things ok, but the lack of girlfriends is still lonesome sometimes. I wish there was a quick and easy solution for both of us!

BTW, one word re. the NPR withdrawl: podcasts.

They keep me from killing people during my commute!

Amy said...

It sucks moving to a new place. Even though you know you'll be fine - there is no way around the fact that the adjustment period blows.

I'm proof that you can be happy in not the most ideal place. I moved from A2 to the most opposite right-wing town that you could imagine (still don't know what we were thinking). We've met quite a few like-minded people (we've even noticed that our neighbors are decidedly less snotty than the average A2 dweller). We won't be here forever - but have found a way to really enjoy it while we're here.

Gotta go, we're heading out to Saugatuk with the kids - taking the pooping machine to doggie day care at PetSmart. Maybe your dog could use a couple of days vacation at a place like this?

Amy said...

moving to a new place is awful. i've been there too. i hope you soon are able to find people that you can hang out with, social events that interest you that you can get involved with. but in the meantime, you still have your blog, and all the friends on it. just imagine where you'd be without that? i'm really hoping things get better fast for you.

Heather said...

I'm emailing you about this...

Mr Furious said...

Thanks for picking up the slack folks, I hadn't realized how much of an absentee companion I'd been until Mrs F pointedly pointed it out the other night...thank god she has you guys!

The new job has been a HUGE adjustment for me, one that I still haven't conquered. At my old job, on slow days I could literally blog or be online all day(or close to it). I could catch up on freelance work...whatever.

This will never be the case here—the glass walls don't help, even after I get my actual desk that doesn't face out—the workload here just won't allow it. I have to try and be highly organized, supervise people, and manage two magazines in two different cities. As you guys all know, time-management and organization are NOT my strong suits. (Maybe I should hire Mrs F?)

At least the (hopefully minimal) travel involved with this position is to Greenville, SC which is only an hour away—and has a Whole Foods!

You all rock and deservemy thanks for looking out for Mrs F when I drop the ball.

Julie said...

Good luck to you, Mr F, with the new job.

And seriously, I can send things down from Trader Joe's. I promise I would not send down any of those nutty seedy cookie things or any animal crackers.

Mrs Furious said...

I like that Mr F is trying to kiss all your asses! ;)

I would like to say that I've seen a lot of divorce in my time. A. LOT. I've seen people being blind sided by it... 3 month old baby in their arms, I've seen it after 20 years of adultery. I have yet to see someone who doesn't find greater happiness with a new partner (in time). Whether the leaver or the leavee. You will find happiness again... maybe even a better happiness.

Mrs Furious said...

Robin & Julie,
Okay I'll try and figure out how to chat online... I'm oddly computer illiterate you know ;)

yes at your last suggestion I did look up the MeetUp groups. There is one playdate one... but it is $20... which of course isn't a lot but since I don't know if I'll be into it and has kind of been holding me back. I'll pay it.
Attachment Parenting... I'm on it.
OH and the no NPR is fucking killing me. That was the majority of my daily adult "conversation". Plus now I'm totally clueless as to what is going on in the world!

Oh I hope it goes more smoothly for you then it has for me.

Oh thanks for commenting :)
It'll just take time... right?! I'm really hoping that once Kid is in school I'll feel more connected.

Okay 6 months... that will get me to Baby's b'day. If we have found people to invite to her party then I'll feel good about how things are going. That'll be my marker.

podcasts... must figure out how to use the iPod...

Mrs Furious said...

Amy (MI),
that is encouraging.
Enjoy the beach!

Amy (UT),
the blog... oh believe me... without the blog?!... I can't even imagine how hard this would be!

Nutmeg said...

Mrs. F...

Wish we could hang out with you. E and baby F would be able to give each other a run for their money. I think maybe two crazy toddlers are less destructive than one crazy toddler

sorry things are crappy.

couldn't function without NPR

(Philly has the best NPR station in the country... when I moved to NH and then Albany I was just at a loss. Aaaaahhh... WHYY, you are my closest companion.)

good luck

Elizabeth said...

Hey, I'll be down in September, Its only 3 hrs away. Once I've settled a wee bit, I'll come out there if you like.

I'm totally schizo about moving, sometimes I love it, sometimes its absolutely awful. Sometimes I go out of my way and make amazing friends for 3 month stints, somtimes I don't want to meet anyone at a 6-9 mo job... Its really odd...
It just takes work, which is hard when depressed. You get in this thing where just doing the job (which in your case is of course Kid and Baby) and eating is just about more than you (one?) can handle for awhile.

Right, long spewige! Sorry!

Mr Furious said...

This NPR thing is making me consider a satellite radio. That way it can be real-time (not podcasts) and Mrs F can have it in the house or the car...

Right now she can listen to Michigan Radio on the laptop, but that's a pain and can't leave the house.

Mr Furious said...

BTW, I'm kissing EVERYBODY'S ass...

Jennifer said...

Yeh. That is what alot of people say. I don't see that one in the cards for me. But thanks.

Hope that you are feeling a little better. :)

Teresa said...

I'm so glad you've found so much support here on your blog. For whatever it's worth...we moved to a new state right after we were married and I would cry myself to sleep night after night. Finally, we began to make some amazing friends and that place quickly became home. We are now back in Michigan, where we are from and had moved from, and I am sincerely hating it. I miss Oklahoma. When I think about the memories and relationships I made there...the memories hurt b/c they are so good and I have nothing like that here.

My point? It's 2 fold I guess. It can change for you (I know the waiting period totally sucks!) but it might just end up being a better place that your old place was...that's what happened for me. Now I'm back home and I miss Oklahoma BAD and it's all happening reverse. Ugh...

My husband has recently taken on a new position with his job in the past year and our lives have been turned completely upside down with him being gone so much and when he is home...working still. I hate it...he hates it...we're working on changing it. Till then...I feel for you...I really do. {{HUGS}}

Kim said...

WCQS (88.1 FM) is our/your local NPR station. They do classical music during the workday, but have all of the other regular NPR programming.

Mrs Furious said...

I think I might have been listening to 88.7 which is a great station but I miss my daytime talk radio :( Unfortunately I need the conversation during the workday ;)

Oh I'm sorry for you too! :( It is so hard to find that exact right fit for yourself, your family, jobs, etc.
And I know what you are saying... it took me a couple years to feel like I liked MI when we moved there but of course by the time we moved away I was settled with the idea of being there forever. I'm hopeful I can find that here too... eventually ;)

Mrs Furious said...

Aww... I hope you are wrong.

Missives From Suburbia said...

Jennifer, as the survivor of a divorce, I can tell you that it's entirely possible to come out the other side and find someone so amazing that it makes you wonder why you married the other guy in the first place. I hope you find that! Hugs.

Satellite radio... oooh... Mr. F is talking now!!

I hate the meetup groups that charge money before you ever even meetup. What if they're a bunch of hosers?

Mrs Furious said...

"WHYY, you are my closest companion."
LOL... yes that is how I felt about my Michigan Radio!

Oh the crazy one managed to skin her finger (?!? ) today. Barely one bloody eyesore gets healed up before she goes and gets herself a new one.

I can't imagine moving around like you do! Craziness.

We'd love to have you come visit.

Julie said...

I like that Mr F is trying to kiss all your asses! ;) LOL...I'll take it since no one else is:)

Amy said...

NPR on XM still isn't as good as Michigan Radio. But it is definitely better than no NPR at all. With XM, there's also BBC news service. So good.

Don't forget podcasts of the Sound of Young America, This American Life, and tons of other NPR programs.

The podcasts are a bit more convenient for me than listening live on the computer.

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