I totally relate to you on the SAHM thing. I only became one recently (and technically I'm a WAHM now, or something -- I don't know the rules on this -- I suppose it doesn't matter).... and I find it's very difficult to do the house work and be the dominant parent and still feel "equal" to my husband. I think because society doesn't put monetary value upon a woman's "work" at home we struggle with finding balance and equality in our partnerships/marriages/etc. I also wonder if most of our frustration stems from our own expectations of ourselves? I could go on for days about this...but I'll stop right there.Love that Kid came to get you to dance with her. That just made my day!
Feel free to go on and on! I don't think it is talked about enough and that helps to fuel all our feelings of what we are *supposed* to be doing all day. Oh yes she loves for me to dance interpretively to the Little Mermaid soundtrack!
I don't know if I've talked about this before, but Dad was a WAHD (does that acronym make sense?) I think he did some chores, laundry sometimes. We all cleaned on Saturday. (until the new house and the cleaning ladies). But I wonder if being a stay(or work) at home Dad is maybe even socially harder? I do remember him saying "I'm NOT Mr. MOM!" a lot! Anyway, it's interesting.
I totally relate. It was not until this year with both of my kids in school all day that I will put away Tom's laundry without resentment.
hey, this is Julie...apparently I have now changed my name to Mrs DP since I just put up a blog. There is not much there now, but it is in the works.
I can totally relate to the SAHM-resentment-type thing. For some reason I feel that, since dh works full-time and I stay home with our 3 girls, I need to have the house clean, laundry put away, dinner on the table, cook from scratch, dishes done, etc... Think "June Cleaver" type. And then I feel guilty that it all doesn't/can't get done. And then I feel resentful towards him because he just "worked" all day--away from the kids and craziness--and is now sitting on his butt. Mind you, dh didn't put these expectations on me--its all from me. And I also feel guilty because financially I don't really contribute. Mind you, both dh and I are RN's, and I actually have a higher degree than him right now. So its not an educational thing. Oh yeah, and then there's the "well honey, I saved two people from dying today by sticking my hands inside their open chest and massaging their hearts" and I'm like "oh yeah..I cleaned 3yo's puke off the floor while stopping the 1yr old from playing in it".OK, thats a book....
Oh yeah, and growing up both my parents worked, but my mom always made more and was the primary breadwinner. They did 9-5ish type jobs and my grandmother watched us after school till they got home. And throughout our relationship (until this year) I've always made more than dh. So I think, because I was brought up where the wife made more and that made her "strong", I feel the need to always make more. So while I've always wanted to be a sahm and LOVE it, there is a lot of guilt too...
Julie,That is some pretty exciting shit!!!Elizabeth,Oh I'm sure WAHDs have a socially harder time (well certainly in some geographical areas more than others).Marie,I've definitely got the June Clever ...well Donna Reed for me ;)... thing going on and it's like Dana said above I don't know if the resentment comes in from my own failure to meet my own expectations (like you say) or if I resent a societal expectation...Oh yeah I was definitely raised with the women having more money and supporting the family. Of course it would be next to impossible for me to make as much as Mr F... in our current career paths even though I do have more education. But I am uncomfortable with the idea that he supports us and I tend to try and not think about it ;)
Hi Mrs Furious. I'm a new reader with a new addiction to your blog. I'm not a SAHM but I think that years of laundry will bore the crap out of anyone, not to mention highly intelligent, creative types. Also in the workplace, while tasks could be confronting and scary, they can also be dynamic and challenging. Job status and rewards are different in the public sphere. It's a more stimulating environment. There are people around!!! Furthermore, people who go to a workplace have work and home. People at home have home.
Im not a SAHM but do have resentment issues with hubby over cleaning and laundry all the time he is the messiest except for papers thats me but I manage all the bills and the kids everything eating bathing sleeping nursing on and on and I have my lil guy with me even at work so when he gets home I always tell him the least you can do is start a load of laundry and he does iron but thats about the extent, oh and he has his own bathroom which he cleans every 3 weeks or so but I dont have to go in there so I could care less. I will say Im a perfectionist and I like things done a certain way so I usually prefer to do them and its hard for me to just let them be if he does things. ok rant over.
Can't wait to hear your compacting Christmas plan. I wish I could run away this Christmas, but I guess I'm too "old" to run away. ha ha. I would love to blog about it but my family reads my blog, especially the stress-causing culprits.
Oh P.O.M,I'm putting up a vid later tonight brining the Mormon missionary saga up to date. They come for dinner tomorrow!I don't think my recipients are necessarily going to be into my gifts... but whatever... I've got to make a change.
I have to say I am totally with you on the resentment about housework-type chores. I work part time, and get home when the kids get out of school. So that's when I move onto my second job of supervising homework, picking up from after school activities, fitting in K's tutoring, music lessons for both kids, etc, etc... When my husband comes home and wants to know why his jeans aren't clean, I'm like, you have got to be kidding! I think in my mother's generation being home was really more about keeping up with the household. Now I think it's really more about enriching your child's life. And something's gotta give. So at our house, it's usually laundry. Suck it up, hubby.BTW, I think you are lucky to have a talent like baking to fall back on with this compacting Christmas. Personally, I would love to receive anything you cooked up! I'm thinking a big box of White Trash for everyone on your list!PS: I still love dancing with my kids! I tried to teach my 12yo to waltz the other day. We were laughing so hard we were crying when he tried to dip me. Hmmmm... just not something my parents ever would have done...Okay, longest comment ever. Apologies...
Gigs,"Now I think it's really more about enriching your child's life."YES! I 100% agree with that. I think there is a misconception that older generations "did it all". There were very different parenting expectations even a generation ago. It is impossible for me to clean and play with my kids at the same time. Today I did the laundry and vacuumed the house. That took 2-3 hours. During which time I had to completely ignore Baby. It just didn't feel right and left me incredibly guilt ridden.Playing wins out... and it should. It's how they learn about their world and express their feelings... we can all live in immaculate homes when they're grown.
Oy. I could go on and on about the whole "fairness" thing. But for right now, it's COMPLETELY unfair- but to my advantage. Because guess who is making dinner, doing the laundry, and making sure the kids are fed, 24/7? He is...after work. I just can't right now. On the one hand- It kills me. But I also love it because I feel like he comes through it more appreciative, more helpful, more present. Our household would implode if he doesn't step up. Whenever we go through this (pregnancy crap) it always reminds me how much I love where I am and what I am doing. Probably because so much of it is taken away (?) I didn't just make the BIG choice once to stay at home with my kids. I make it every day. When I'm unable to do the little things... it's REALLy hard. And sometimes I just choose to ignore stuff. Because at the end of the day I love it. I LOVE what I do. Anyway, (ugh. getting emotional. this might be the pregnancy talking). It's not fair right now. And you better believe once the baby is born the scale is going to tip far in the other direction. I'm ok with that. probably because he's doing all the work right now. get back to me in 10 months...(I just reread that and am not sure that even had that much to do with your video. But thanks, I think I just needed to get that out there, :)
Annie,Hey thanks for commenting :)Yes I never really thought about it... but if I had built in incentives (re: workplace) I might try harder ;)Andrea,Oh I'd really like it if Mr F had his own bathroom! He creates a lot of the toilet work! ;)Katieo,I think that's relevant and not just the pregnancy talking. When Mr F has had to man the ship for a bit I think he gets himself so overwhelmed I'm not sure he gains any appreciative experience from it. He always thinks that it was especially *hard* when he had them ;)And for me I really think the fairness issue stems out of unresolved sibling rivalry that never got resolved. Hmm... maybe I need to find a new therapist after all ;)
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