Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Long Awaited In Law Update

25 comments:

Staci said...

As I'm sure you can guess...those were my exact feeling too. We are pulling up on 9 years this fall.

The one "good" thing is that our family separation happened when our boys were 3 & 1. They don't remember them & don't "miss" them. They know OF them (from pictures) but they don't remember anything about them. Which I find a blessing just because the relationship was SO toxic.

After all this time I'm still not comfortable with letting them into the boys' lives.
Not sure that will change. I can't trust them. I have no respect for them. It would be like letting my boys have a relationship with strangers off the street.

I think you are doing all you can. It's hard not to have it all running through your head many times a day, week, month...but I will tell you...it get's easier as the time goes on.

Christy said...

My thoughts are these:

1. Yay for the in-law update!! i have been interested in that. That is one of the first posts I read when i first found your blog so of course, i am interested.

2. The longer this no-communication thing goes on, the harder it is going to be for them to even have a relationship with Kid and Baby, let alone Mr. F.

3. Get a separate, private blog and blog ALL ABOUT it!!! But let me read it ;)

Haley said...

Oh hon, I'm sorry this continues to be a weight on your shoulders. I come from a family that is wonderful or tragic depending on the strength of the cocktails that week, and I feel like Mr. F's family may be distantly related to my own. I grew up with non-communicative waspiness disorder. It took a long time for me to learn how to confront issues with the people I love, and I still struggle with it (honestly, I still totally suck at it, except for with Adam, and that's only because his family yells and screams and gets everything out there and then hugs and makes up...so he's like my confrontation guru). It sounds like Mr. F's family might be very similar to my own in that they find confrontation not just uncomfortable, but unthinkable. And that means they will suffer the pain of not seeing their grandkids rather than getting into a sticky emotional situation. I don't know if that's what's going on -- I just know how my own dysfunctional family works, and I could see a similar thing going down there. In any case, I'm glad you've extrictaed yourself from the middle of things, and I hope that the grandparents find a way back into the family -- those kids of yours have too much personality to miss out on.

Mrs Furious said...

Staci,
I always like to hear your story it gives me some peace to know that it just gets easier.
I'm glad (in a way) that they have stopped communicating since it does give more peace and less stress about what to do or not do. If they aren't making an effort I really don't need to feel guilty anymore.


Christy,
That is so funny. I really worried about new readers at that time misunderstanding and just thinking I was a bitch. I'm glad that didn't happen!
And if I do it you'll get an invite! I have got serious dish to spill.


Haley,
I wish I could get more distant from it for sure. It bothers me much more than it does Mr F. I wish there was drinking going on in his family... maybe this wouldn't have happened ;)
It's hard for me to even fully assess. Obviously there were feeling before about me... but by publicly talking about it I pretty much broke every family rule. Is your family crazy patriarchal? I think there is more of that here. But sometimes I'm too entrenched in my struggle to view the whole thing.

northerngurl said...

Thanks for the update! I appreciate your honesty about the subject. It's too bad they are missing out on their grandchildren growing up. I'm sure they will regret that one day. I just don't see how they couldn't!

Haley said...

Nah, we're not patriarchal -- the ladies are in charge. But with my family it's all about not hurting anyone's feelings, and thus staying mum on anything at all upsetting. We're slowly starting to break out of it, but it still gets wierd. Sometimes I wonder how I'll handle things when I have kids and bring them into the situation...

Wouldn't it be nice to have a full time family therapist on hand for all get togethers?

Me, Myself and I said...

We haven't "socialized" with dh's paternal grandparents/aunts in 5 years (in May..). Long story short...his aunt and grandmother decided that a day out shopping was more important than my son's 2nd birthday... There are many other different problems...but that was the icing on the cake.

It has been peaceful, for the most part.

My kids haven't spoken to their g-parents since then with the exception of one time at a restaurant. No calls, no visits, no presents, no cards...they give us the occasional drive by. LOL. And we have walked by them numerous times in stores or at fairs/festivals etc...kids don't even recognize them. (And I don't point out who they are...)

Like you, I would never ever imagine not being involved in my grandchildrens lives.

Sorry for babbling. Just know you aren't alone. Lots of families are f-ed up. Really.

Running in Alabama said...

I am sorry to hear about the in-laws...always sucks to have family woes...
that being said, my "need to know" is in high gear (please add me to the invite list should you branch off to a private blog on this matter) and I tried to find where it all began. And...nada. Your blog only goes back to August of 2007, I think. So maybe we (as in I) could get some background on this??? That way I can feel indignant on your behalf properly!

Mrs Furious said...

Running in Alabama,
Sorry I misspoke... April/May 2008! It just seems like it's been going on for 2 years ;)

Running in Alabama said...

*furiously scanning 2008 archives*

Mrs Furious said...

Northerngurl,
I think they probably regret it now... they just don't see their role in making that happen. It's frustrating. I don't think they think of in action as a decision but it is.


Me, Myself and I,
"Lots of families are f-ed up."
LOL. Thank you... it does help to know that other people have similar stuff going on.

julie said...

I can't imagine allowing something like this to go on for so long. They are the parents (of Mr F) and really should act like it. Unfortunately their behaviour does not seem so foreign to me...it sounds like a lot of people I know have fucked up relationships with their parents. I will never let something like this happen with my own kids. Never.

They didn't call at Christmas?! What about Baby's birthday?

Of course add me to any private blog. You know me likey all this stuff;)

How can they not want to jump in a plane or car and go down there and just squeeze that Baby up...damn she is cute in the background. I can't believe she wasn't trying to climb out of that chair thing.

gooddog said...

OK, I am shallow...
What do you think Mr. F's parents SAY to their friends who ask about their grandchildren? I mean isn't that something people their age talk about? CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? They are some messed up folks to not see all they're missing out on. Hang in there...and start the new blog! I need three furious blogs to read :)

Mrs Furious said...

Gooddog,
I have no idea what they say. His mom can be very caddy so I won't be surprised if she bashed me all to Hell. At the same time they might just keep it mum and pretend everything is alright. I do wonder...


Julie,
She had a big chunk of cookie dough... so she was pretty tuned into that ;)

And agreed I would stay at a hotel and meet at a park if that is what it took to have a little contact. I say that to Mr F all the time... there are ways to see them and work around the conflict. It would just take communication to work it out. I'd be happy to be gone for the day if they wanted to visit with Mr F & the kids.

But obviously we are so great this would never happen to us ;)

And they called right after Xmas... like 2 or 3 days after because I had broken my butt already. Then that was it. They did not call on Baby's b'day. They did send Xmas gifts and then sent Baby a birthday present (remember the weird playmobile grandmother with gramma written on it in sharpie?!). But that was the last of it. I'll be interested to see if they send them an Easter card or box. But it has been a over 4 months since they've called and I think that means they won't anymore.

wootini said...

Enjoyed the update - I don't get it at all, I really don't. I can't imagine not making every effort possible to be involved with my grandchildren, regardless of my relationship to my child & their spouse. If you start another blog, I want in! :)

Kiki said...

Those kids are worth any discomfort they may feel.....they are ridiculous to not want to know them, be with them and experience all those fun "grandparent-y" things with them!!!

I wasn't too worried that you'd leave me out of a private blog...but just in case I want in if you do go that route.

What is that thing that Baby is standing on in the kitchen???

julie said...

The longer the silence from the inlaws continues, the harder it will be to ever try to heal this thing or at least heal it enough to see their grandchildren. I can't believe they would let all this time go by with no contact. Some people are so self-involved, they just don't get it. I know Baby is young and probably doesn't really think about all of this lack of grandparent involvement, but Kid is surely very aware. How hurtful they are to her. She (and Baby of course) should be more important than the grandparents' willful stubborness with the whole cold shoulder thing.

Life is really too short. What if something unspeakable happened and they missed their chance. I hope someone in Mr F's family IS reading this and can see the reality of this. I just found out that a 39 year old former classmate died after a brief illness...a young, vibrant man...totally athletic and living in good health with a wife and baby girl. Gone forever. Shit like this does happen. In-laws, pick up the phone.

Damn I wish I could hold an intervention. What's their address? How freaky would it be if i just showed up at their house to mediate...hi, i'm a friend of your son's family who i met on the internet...how funny would that be...totally just kidding about this of course.

Mrs Furious said...

Julie,
That would be HILARIOUS.
And you are right. Kid does know that she doesn't see them. She'll ask when she's going to see them again and we just say "I don't know... hopefully sometime soon."

Andrea said...

Finally had a chance to watch the video, and I can only say it sucks having been in Mr.F position I didnt even talk to my parents for years and not untill just the past two onths has my mother started reaching out but Im still on the fence part of me is happy I get to see my siblings and part of me is feeling still rejected because even now nothing is said about all that is happened I just feel like the shit could hit the fan again at any time its a fucked up situation. I can only hope and pray that as time goes on things will feel different all I know is my daughter has become extremely attached to my sister and if something happens that she cant see her it will break my heart and would be the deal breaker because nobody hurts my kids.

Mrs Furious said...

Emily & Kiki,
Of course you will be in!

And his sister (when we had contact) would say "imagine how heartbroken you'd be" and I just felt like... um... they are doing it!! I just don't know what they don't see about the situation.


Andrea,
"because nobody hurts my kids"
That's the hardest part. You want them to have the relationship... but not being able to trust your own family with doing what is in your children's best interest is difficult.

Mr Furious said...

I'm extremely torn about this whole thing right now—it's coming to a head with this trip. We'll be staying a little over an hour away from them and they have no idea we are coming.

There is a part of me that wants to call and have them come meet us for an afternoon or day, but I just don;t know...

In some ways this could be perfect, since Mrs F will be ostensibly "occupied" with the wedding day shopping and I could interact with them without her in the middle.

They'll never understand Mrs F's boycott. It's like all or nothing with them—complete radio silence or complete cover-up and pretend everything is normal and nothing ever happened. They won't ever understand their role in all of this, and I have given up any hope of them understanding it. They did nothing wrong in their eyes and it can be all pinned on Mrs F's blog—as if merely talking about the situation was it's inception.

If they are aware that Mrs F wants nothing to do with them, it will justify / vindicate their actions and feelings in all of this. To them it will be Mrs F that has the problem (well, in a way she does—it's THEM...). They will never understand Rachel's inability to bottle up and repress her feelings on this—they think that's how this is supposed to be handled.

So much has happened since we last spoke—they know nothing of our financial struggles or the developments at my job...Kid's medical updates...

In the interest of complete clarity, they have called once or maybe twice since January(ish), but we weren't home. I'm pretty sure I talked to them ONE time, and I have wanted to call...but it's never the most important thing going on for me at the moment—my actual real life—the kids, work, whatever—is all I can handle at any one time. Adding this stress and drama back into my life is pretty much more than I want to deal with right now.

I was positively SHOCKED that they did not call on or even around Baby's birthday. I thought for SURE that was going to give them an excuse to get over themselves.

Honestly, I'm torn between the guilt of actually traveling surreptitiously to Connecticut and leaving, and the feeling like I'm giving in to them if I cave.
And there's also the fear that I will call to say we can see them next week and that they will not make an effort to meet us halfway—literally and figuratively.

Mrs F is off running errands...at the moment I am tempted to call them.

IT absolutely sucks that this is even an issue—it should be a no-brainer. And everyone should be excited.

Missives From Suburbia said...

Call them, Mr. F. You're not giving in to them. You're taking the high road. Mrs. F has been taking the high road for years. Think of it as a little repayment to her, not as giving in to them.

I only say this, because you have the urge to call them. If you didn't, I wouldn't even hint at it.

Mr Furious said...

Thanks, Deb.

Mrs Furious said...

Deb,
I do agree that if he wants to call he should. Otherwise he is again leaving the communication/or lack there of in other people's hands.

Mr F,
I'm pretty sure they have not called in Jan at all. I think the after xmas call was the last call... hence they don't know about our financial situation.
However, it should be pointed out that they do not like to hear about any sort of negative news and always spin it so as not to validate or even acknowledge reality... you know... they always know someone who is worse off.

Missives From Suburbia said...

I was back to look at the Easter pics, scrolled down too far, and that's when I noticed Baby in the background at countertop level. WHAT is that very cool stool/box contraption she is standing on? I need something like that for my big kid.

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