Sunday, April 5, 2009

I Don't Know What You Were Doing At 1:30 AM...

But I was crouched down on our front porch.

Moments earlier, while Mr F was walking Canine, I saw him signal me with his flashlight.

I did what anyone would do and started waving back like I was flagging a plane in for landing.


I ran to the kitchen (where the door window looks directly over the garbage can... in which Mr F would soon be depositing Canine's "deposit") and made a crazy monster face. Since it was pitch black out and the lights in the kitchen were on that meant it was an awesome spectacle for our neighbors. And I stood there frozen for minutes. No Mr F. Then I started to feel self conscious. That's when my genius struck.

I flipped off all the interior lights and then propelled myself like a ninja (depite my pink bathrobe) to the front porch. When Mr F approached the front porch from the garbage he'd do it from the side. If I was quick and stayed low the porch railing and the shrubs would obscure me from vision until he was AT the steps. At which point there I'd be pretty much eye to eye with him.


Mr F was having a fantasy of his own.

When he went to drop off Canine's shit sack I was already gone from the kitchen window. And the lights were off. His flashlight bounced off the double layer of door windows and shone back at him. For a brief moment he thought (and I am not making this up... this is verbatim reporting) "Oh Rachel went and found a flashlight to flash back at me... because she loves me".

Yes my husband's fantasy is straight out of the mind of an 8 year old boy on his first campout with his buddy in the backyard.

Then he realized he'd been duped by his own flashlight. Crestfallen he proceeded to the porch...

Completely unaware that I was about to display my love in a very different way.



Torey said...

I love it!! You guys are hilarious!

I only wish there was video documentation.

Elizabeth said...

ok, that's pretty fabulous.

Did you or any of your family do what Dad did to us?

After we went to bed at the cottage, you know, on the ground/basement floor, he grabbed the wolf head (um, for those of you who are NOT Mrs. Furious or family, our cottage up north is almost ENTIRELY covered in taxidermy animals. It's pretty intense) and held it outside our bedroom window making scary growling noises.

We screamed like little girls. Because we were little girls.

Andrea said...

That is so funny.

lucinda said...

Yes, it was well into therapy when I found out not all families do this.

Haley said...


Mr Furious said...

OH SHIT!! Elizabeth, that is diabolically brilliant and horribly cruel at the same time. I'll definitely be busting that move when the kids are teens. Or then again, maybe I won't...

When I was a kid I remember one night at my grandparents when some grownup card game (or something) was going on, so I was down in the basement by myself watching a movie called Grizzly.

Later that night, my dad regaled me with all sorts of (b.s.) "facts" about bears—can outrun a horse, smell humans ten miles away...that sort of stuff...

I should note that this was a time when we had just moved from living downtown in a small city to the relative wild of a wooded, yet to be developed area ten miles away—to me it might as well have been Wyoming or wherever the movie was.

When we got home he made me get out of the car to open the garage—I was shitting my pants. Something I did every morning for years on my early morning paper route—convinced I was being stalked and constantly planning my escape.

I can still wig myself out on late night dog walks—without Mrs F's help...

I had a fascination with bears already, and after that point it became a morbid one, bordering on phobic.

Mrs Furious said...

oh god I wish I had taped it!

No... thankfully no one did that... and I didn't know your dad did either. That is hilarious/traumatizing for sure.

Did you know Mame used to hide in my mom's closet, under her bed, and I believe once dressed in a man's hat and coat and looked in her windows when she was growing up?

I try to only scare Matt... he's easy prey. And I don't have to worry about it's prolonged effect on his psyche.

And intense is probably a good word for the cottage. I remember having to tell Kid it was kind of like a zoo.

I still laugh at your story of scaring David with the bear growl.

Torey said...

I'm still cracking up over this. This post has been the highlight of my not so awesome day, so thanks for that.

The idea of Mr. F squealing is laugh out loud funny!

julie said...

I love that your family does these scaring pranks on each other. Mame used to do all that to your mom?! That is funny and crazy all in one. I love it.

Mrs Furious said...

it's still funny to me too!
I'm glad it's been making you laugh.

yeah she did. I believe my mom kept her laundry basket in her closet and my grandmother waited in there for her to put her clothes in. Also I think she lay under her bed and scared her by just reaching up and putting her arm on her while she was in bed. I'm hoping my mom will jump in with the details! Totally hilarious/evil.

Elizabeth said...

My best friend came up to the cottage one summer. She CRIED.

She's a vegan now.

I had NO idea Mame did these things! crazy!

Mrs Furious said...

Oh yeah. Mame loves to scare people.

The cottage is a tricky place to describe to people. I like to say "there's a LOT of animals... but we didn't kill them!... my grandfather just liked to buy them at auctions!" Like that makes it okay. ;)

The most disgusting thing is all the little antlers from the deer slaughter place. Those have always kind of bothered me. I mean it would be one thing if they weren't all crooked...

Deb said...

Bah-ha-ha-ha!!! This is totally up my alley. Loving all the other stories in the comments, too.

1:30am? Walking the dog? I used to have walk my poor old dog in the wee hours of the morning in San Francisco. I didn't live in the best part of town (lots of late-night clubs), so I used to walk with a baseball bat. I'm sure if someone jumped out at me, I would have squealed like a little girl AND peed myself, so Mr. F really held it together from my vantage point.

Mrs Furious said...

" so I used to walk with a baseball bat"
That's a funny image.

Mr F is routinely up past 1:30 so that's just Canine's regular evening walk.

Anonymous said...

Just last night I ran ahead of J. to the bedroom and somehow gotinto the closet before he came around the corner...I could see him looking behind curtains...even under the bed (he never knew I stored so much stuff under there..) and had to literally bite the sleeve of my shirt to not laugh..he went in and out of the room 5 times before sliding the closet open and saying I was such a child (smirking). I get so nervous being looked for I usually give myself up...not this time!

Mrs Furious said...

Out of Hand,
Oh that is funny. I know exactly what you mean about trying not to laugh... that's the hardest part!

Melanie said...

THAT IS SO FUNNY!! Did he scream like a girl?!?

I always try to hide to scare someone in my family but while waiting for them to approach I get a case of the giggles and end up giving up cause I'm laying there laughing at my imagination of what would have happened if I could contain the laughter!

Mrs Furious said...

Oh he screamed like a girl! It was awesome.

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