I've Got New Things (and Old) To Recommend

#1  I was listening to Diane Rehm the other day and heard this segment with Dr. Michael Mosley about his diet/longevity research and self experiment.  It's kinda a big deal in the UK.  Well, I'm on board.  The documentary will be airing on PBS in April, but I found a link to it HERE.  Fascinating.  It seems  that this diet is very successful with men, and maybe less so with women (there is not a lot of research) but I'm giving it a go.  I'll report back.  I did one fast day last Thursday and it was completely manageable... especially considering the fact that I was accidentally drinking decaf that day... so there is hope my end of the day bad mood was in part exasperated by the caffeine situation.  Today is my second fast day.  I really think I can do this.  Mr F is going to start soon, in large part for the overall health benefits, which with his family health history and his age, are IMPORTANT.


#2  How had I never heard of The Bath School Disaster.  Not only is this relatively close to where we live, but it is still the country's deadliest school massacre... and it happened in 1927.  Until the Oklahoma City bombing, it was the worst act of domestic terrorism.  I spent most of the weekend researching it.  The perp was a psychopath.  He plotted this act for at least a year and had intended to kill every child in the school and then drive up and take out all of the first responders.  The town had only 300 residents.  One woman lost three children in the school explosion and had two more injured by the car bomb.  I still can't believe that this has been forgotten - or - never known by the majority of us.  HERE is a short book written by a neighbor and first responder a few months after the disaster.


#3  We watched this AWESOME Little House on the Prairie mini-series with the girls this weekend.  Mr F and I watched this years ago when it was on TV, and it is such a great depiction.  We both loved it then, and loved it again.  It isn't sugar coated... and it is nothing like the original TV series.  Our kids are finally old enough to handle the intensity of it and it made for a great weekend.  At one point during the movie one of the girls said "Men had to do all the stuff back then, now women do it."  Hahahahahahahahaha.  I kind of think Mr F and I could have pulled off the whole pioneer, wagon train, homesteading thing.


#4  We got word that Baby did not get into the charter school this year.  I was pretty devastated since as her learning style becomes more apparent I really would like to get her in a more open/creative setting.  The charter school focuses on project based learning and I think that would be such a great fit for her.  No word on Kid... which could mean she did... which only makes this school decision harder!  Although, if Kid does get in, Baby will be bumped up the wait list and there is a remote chance she could still get in for the Fall.  I hope things line up in the next few months and I can make a decision I feel confident in.  I just know we need a situation that has a better life/school balance.  And I'd LOVE to eliminate this commute.  We have to travel on some of the most dangerous sections of highway many times a day... and I don't feel good about that.


#5  St. Patrick's Day happened.  In the late of night Mr F and I pulled this off:

A whole house rainbow leading from their bedrooms to a Pot of Gold (rolos and gold coins).

Lucky Charms and green milk for breakfast... always a hit.  

If there is one parenting tip I can impart it is: STREAMERS.  People, they cost a dollar.  You can get them in every grocery store, dollar store, and discount store.  They instantly make every holiday festive and special and all you need is some scotch tape, a dollar, and a couple of minutes.  I swag them around for birthdays, Valentine's Day... you name a small holiday and streamers will be there for you, people.  My favorite way to make a holiday feel special with just a  little effort (especially on school days) is to tape some up while they are sleeping.  Oh and for birthdays?  Just get a pack of regular blow up yourself balloons (less than 2 dollars) and tie them to your dining room chairs and hang them from your curtain rods.... that plus streams equals party time.  Three dollars, people... and I swear to God it looks fantastic.  Best part is, you can have this stuff on hand and always pull a holiday off with very little notice or effort.  Stock up.  When you are done with your party just roll the streamers back up and USE IT AGAIN.  Oh, I love streamers.  My mom even uses them as ribbon on gifts and it makes big impressive bows.  Go crazy.  

#6  Oh, wait, one more thing!  I forgot to mention that I just booked a trip to Williamsburg, VA for Spring Break with the girls.  We'll be doing the Busch Gardens/Colonial Williamsburg thing for 6 days.  I'm a little nervous about the amusement park since it will just be me and the girls and I don't know what the ride situation will be (can 3 people ride at once?)... so if you have experience/tips please share.  

One Year

This is right before it hit.  The kids were the only ones taking this seriously.  There had been two sirens and they'd been down in our designated safe room for 20 minutes.  

I, of course, was NOT taking it very seriously.  I was upstairs taking pictures of hail when it started to pass over our house.  An instinct came over me and I ran downstairs and held the door of the bathroom closed.  It felt like we were in a washing machine.  There was a sucking force.  And, yes, a freight train sound.  Which, living a couple blocks from the tracks, has been a PTSD trigger for me nearly 

every. single. night.

I don't have words for what happened or what was said or how I felt when it hit our house.  

I just have a strong wave of anxiety.  It was terrifying and without knowing we were in a tornado... I knew.  It was a weird knowing and unlike any other feeling I've had.  

When I thought it might be over I went upstairs.  I still didn't really know what happened.  It was like a dream state of shock.  This is the first thing I saw out the windows.  All the trees I could see were either uprooted or shorn off.  We are talking about massive 3-4 foot diameter 100+ foot tall trees.   

I think I started hyperventilating.

This is what I could see out of the windows on the other side of the house.  At this point I became terrified that we weren't safe inside the house, that more trees might fall, or there might be one on the house. I was also scared about our gas line.

These are all our yard.  It looked like a giant game of pick up sticks.  I was terrified to be outside and terrified to stay inside.  It was a nightmare.

It was an extremely traumatic event. The actual tornado, but also everything that happened afterwards.  The fighting with insurance and contractors... still, one year later, is something I don't think anyone expects.  And the energy for that after having been traumatized emotionally is almost impossible to summon.  My worry about the unpredictability and strength of mother nature is intense.  There are no simple thunderstorms for me anymore.  I'm very worried about the spring.  

Update (also known as stuff you probably aren't interested in)

Hmm, this past week was a mixed bag.  As per the norm I have had a very hard time adjusting to the time change.  Damn, my body just can't ever handle it.  Fall or Spring.  I do love me some DST and actually would prefer that they just make that permanent, having the light in the evenings is a HUGE mood booster.... I just can't handle the actual time change.  It takes me about a week or so to adjust.

We went up to The Cougar's house this weekend to pick up some things.  I was very worried that going back would be hard emotionally, but it still felt comfortable. She had such a great family house, it's a shame that we won't have that to bring our family together anymore.

I took the kids to the bouncy house again on Friday.  I wish I had thought of this a long time ago.  It's the best detoxifier ever.  Again, it really stretched our weekend.  Remember in the beginning of the school year when we went out to eat on Mondays and Fridays to help the school week feel less overwhelming?  Well, we stopped soon after I wrote that, because A) the homework load was too big to be able to eat out, and B) we got sick of that routine.  But, it was helpful to have that routine while we adjusted.  Point?  That I think we are going through another rough time, and establishing a routine of things to look forward to helps immensely.  Right now, going straight from school to the bouncy house on Friday afternoons, and then going out to eat, and watching a movie before bed makes our weekend feel like a 3 day weekend.  And we need that.  Because our weeks feel like 10 day weeks.

Kid had another sleepover with her remaining Korean friend. We all really like her, she has a great personality.  I am very worried about how this is going to play out, though, when she leaves.  We took her out to a Korean restaurant, so that our girls could familiarize themselves more with her culture.  Everyone loved it.  When we got home they Skyped their other friend who went back to Korea.  There are the obvious hardships with this, but I am so thankful that Kid has had this experience.  It's been an amazing learning opportunity.

We still have no idea what we'll do school-wise next year.  There is hope that next year will be drastically better with the 5th grade teacher where they are... but... we don't know.  This year has been part torture.  I was happy to hear that a dad went into Kid's teacher last week and angrily asked "What's up with the college level spelling words?!"  At least I know we really aren't the only ones who are so frustrated.  (P.S. Kid would want you to know that she is the only one in the class that scored an A+ on that spelling test.... if anything comes from this it is that we have learned how to study... I just wish we didn't have to learn that at age 10 at the expense of any downtime).

We are a couple days from the one year tornado anniversary.  Spring worries me... a lot.  The kids were out playing and then came rushing back in when they thought they saw a bank of clouds on the horizon.  I think this will be a hard couple of months.  I had some extreme PTSD for several months, and while that feels better, I think that might be in large part because it has been winter.  We'll see.  I expect this year will be the hardest and hopefully it'll get easier for us to get through as time goes by.  And, no, our repairs are still not all finished!  We actually just got a bill from the disaster contractors... and I won't get into that nightmare... except to say... yeah, we don't owe YOU anything.

Speaking of tornadoes the Red Cross has a new Tornado app that you should immediately install on your cell phones & tablets.  It is free.  It has a built in siren that will go off in the event of a tornado warning, which is so important if you are not in an area that has sirens, or if you might not hear it where you are.  Go get it!  If you live in the US you need it.  Especially if you live between the Rockies and the Appalachian Mountains.

Yesterday, Baby broke down and sobbed and sobbed and said she wished she wasn't alive, that she doesn't like her life.  Um, yeah, I pretty much wanted to kill myself.  Things are hard for her right now, she feels a big divide between her interests and Kid's as Kid matures and it leaves Baby feeling heart broken and lonely.    Oh, so sad.  We all had a good cry over that when I told Mr F and Kid about it.  Baby is going to make a list of things she likes to do with each of us, and when she is feeling lonely and left out she can pick one thing and we will make sure one of us is available to do that with her.  I hope that helps!  I think being the baby of a family is hard and it is easy to feel left behind.  She also has a very busy nature and needs a lot of stimulation and company... a characteristic that is not natural to Kid, Mr F, or myself.  With Baby it is not ever enough, and that can be frustrating for all of us.  Even if I throw her a luncheon tea party, or let her give me a makeover (which I wore out in public!), or let her set up a restaurant in our kitchen (at dinner time on a school night!) as soon as that is over she needs more.  There is no downtime.  But we need to work harder at recognizing that and helping her find more ways to fill up her time.  As I said to Mr F, she's only going to need us in this way for a couple more years.  I also think, she is ready for a full day of school... of course, that has to wait until the Fall.    Anyone else go through something like this?  Age related or temperament?  I kind of think a bit of both.  It definitely makes me feel sad, and question my parenting, because I am with her the majority of her day and it isn't enough to make her feel fulfilled.  She is so creative and gifted and has a huge imagination... and all of her ideas and plans are big and elaborate and inconvenient.  You know?  I just can't always help her pull them off on a school day.  If you follow our Facebook you KNOW that we have a full life and do a lot of fun stuff together while Kid is at school.... everyday.  I have to keep reminding myself that I really do do stuff with her, because I have a natural tendency to beat myself up.  I wish I knew how to make her happier.  I hope this is age related moodiness.  The thought did occur to me.... great... we've got one with anxiety and now the other with depression (and I suspect ADD)... the one two three genetic punch!

Speaking of ADD... Mr F left the garage door open the other night.  I set the alarm. I woke up in the middle of the night having a heart attack.  I try not to let the ADD bother me too much anymore... but... yeah, I was pissed.  Close the fucking door!

That's it.

Except this:

Just Keep Swimming

#1 Kid has suddenly become gigantic.  She's grown 4 inches and gained 10 pounds in the last six months.  I looked at her last week and realized none of her clothes fit.  At all.  She wears the same size shoe I do... and.... is now wearing a training bra.  Whoa.  It's on like Donkey Kong around here.  Thank God she is our first one to hit puberty.  She is so comfortable with herself and her body that it blows my mind.  She is totally honest and forthcoming with no ounce of trepidation about anything.  She jokes about her armpit odor.  She tells me the current count on armpit hairs (still single digits).  She has zits.  It's so crazy.  But I'm so thankful, since she is one of the oldest girls in her class and she isn't self conscious about puberty (not in a negative way, at least).  

#2  Baby had "Daddy Day" at school.  The theme was "crosses".  Of course.  They made 5 different crosses out of different mediums.  Baby promptly decorated our house.  If you came to our house right now, you'd think we were the most devout people you'd ever met. Oh, the irony.

#3  Last week was super bad on a many levels.
A) I had to kick Kid's teacher's ass.  Which I did... politely.  The woman actually shushed me... and I didn't punch her in the face!
I was just overhearing a mother at gymnastics talking about finally switching her son to another teacher... and how it just wasn't a good fit and now he's thriving.  And I really wished that we had that option, but with only one class per grade we don't.  The woman needs to retire. Immediately.  And I've had TONS of confirmation that this isn't just a personality clash (although that isn't helping)... our problem with her is not unique.
B) Work was very stressful for Mr F for two weeks running, and he was barely able to even come home last week.  He was incredibly disheartened... it was kind of depressing.  It also stirred up the whole... are we here for good or not issue... which makes us all a little tense.  Especially after just buying a new furnace, fridge, and dishwasher!  No one supports their spouses career more than I do (for real) but it can be hard to feel like you have no idea what direction that will ultimately take you.  Obviously, it is unsettling, and effects all the other decisions I have to make.  But I'd rather be supporting someone's ambition than stifling them... I just think ultimately that has the bigger impact on our lives.  Even though sometimes I do get overwhelmed (trust me).
Just a bad week with no real reprieve for any of us.  SO, on Friday after I picked up the girls I took them to one of those big bounce house places.  I'm so glad I did.  It really changed Kid's mood around and started our weekend off with a bang.  This one thing made our whole weekend feel longer and like we really "did something".  Which was good cause Mr F didn't make it home until late Friday night anyway.  I think I'm going to rinse and repeat this one.

#4  I stumbled upon Baby attempting to sketch this king:

Seeing as she just turned 6, this kind of blew me away.

#5  And I just started our taxes.  Pray for me.

Oh My God

Things are never dull around here.

 That's pretty much the long and short of it.

 Except, you should know that I successfully confronted Kid's teacher
(some extreme IBS may have been involved)

AND after two pretty hard core *discussions*...

 she actually apologized to Kid.

 And that is a triumph.

 A TRIUMPH, I tell you!

 On other fronts?

 Yeah, I don't know what is going to happen.

 On... pretty much... EVERY other front.

 But, I do know this...

if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

 Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

 You can only get what you want if you ask for it.

So, don't stand in your own way.

You know?

Well, I'm Here And I Guess That Is Something

#1 Truth be told I'm still trying to get back on my feet.  The flu and then the sinus infection then the bad reaction to the antibiotic made a combined 17 days of hell.  I mean, seriously, it was a very hard time and went on so long that, whether it makes logical sense or not, you start to question if you can get better.  I am.  So there is that.  I am also just exhausted which I have heard is typical for the aftermath of this particular flu strain.


#2 Kid's teacher pissed Mr F and I off so royally, that I wrote a song about her burning in Hell for all eternity.  I'd get into it but it makes my blood pressure rise.  Just know that she marked something wrong on a test that is factually correct. (which she couldn't deny but still dug her heels in and refused to change the grade siting something bogus which was complete BS... the teacher doesn't understand the material enough to accept an answer written in a complete sentence... just trust me... I thought  I was going to go HULK my veins were throbbing so hard)  When we sent it back she actually said "Oh, yeah, she was one of the one's that told me all about it."  Uh, what?!  Don't we give kids that know all about the subject extra credit not mark it wrong because it was too thorough of an answer?!  I just want to kill that woman!!!!  And, P. fucking S. if you want a one word answer make it fill in the blank, if you leave 3 blank lines to fill then you'll need to be able to read and process a complete sentence or two.  WTF?!


#3  I took the cats to the vet several times the past couple of weeks.  Once because Big Boy had a cold and I wouldn't have been concerned until I googled "cats with colds" and then I had to pony up the big bucks.  Then they each had their physicals.  Yes, I know this is not interesting.  What was interesting is how different their personalities are which was evidenced by how they reacted to the exam room.

Tiger:

"I don't think they can see me here"

Big Boy:

 

"Welcome to my room"

Interestingly while Tiger was skittish and fearful, he complied with everything.  Big Boy was exceedingly friendly and giving them hugs, but he is so big that even the vet and vet tech were intimidated by him and they gave up trying to get a temp or take blood when he wasn't having it.  They just kept saying "Wow, he really is a big cat."  He's so bossy he thinks he rules the world.  He's also obsessed with butter.  

#4 For Valentine's Day I managed to pull off the cutest freaking Valentine's of all time!  These were little gift bags that are decorated with heads & limbs & accessories that I picked up at Target.  They were a bit pricey for how many we needed to buy.... but... please, they were so cute.  We definitely had the coolest Valentine's at school.  For real.  

Baby's Class:

Kid's class girls:

Kid's class boys:

Kid was officially the coolest girl in her class when she gave these to the boys.  

They actually thanked her.  It was big.

(It only took us 79 hours to make them)

#5  I made this beef stroganoff this week.  It was FANTASTIC.  I changed it a wee bit.  I used a bit of butter & olive oil to sear my steak instead of cooking spray.  I added a splash of Sherry in with the mushrooms to deglaze the pan and some dried thyme (because it just rocks with mushrooms).  I used sweet (not hot) paprika and omitted the parsley and green onions because I didn't have those on hand.... and it definitely didn't need it.

I really like this My Recipes site. I had a lot of time while I was sick to check it out.  I think there is more useful stuff on here then I get from the emeals plan I paid for and never use.  I like that you can get a whole month of recipes, there are tons of archives, and the quick and easy dinners really are quick(ish)... and that they are from good reputable sources like Cooking Light.  I'm into it.  I'm going to try the Salmon Croquettes this weekend.



#6 Baby left this by the hair brush this morning.

Apparently, I've been putting the rubber bands up too high on her braids.  

I stand corrected.

#7  My Dad wrote a confession for some of his more heinous wrong doings which ultimately had destroyed any chance I had at a stable home life.  A confession which changes everything and completely rewrites my understanding of my life.  Sounds dramatic!  It was... sadly.  Anywho, I was shocked and greatly upset not only by the revelation but by the complete lack of empathy shown in this "apology" which was more of a narcissistic pity party for himself having had to face consequences for his choices.  He never once acknowledged that WE ALL faced consequences for his choices.  It was hard to read.  But it was also a gift.  Because now I can divorce him without guilt or remorse (something I've wanted to do for YEARS).  He has crossed lines that cannot be uncrossed.  And the truth is, this secret was the missing piece of the puzzle for me.  It explained why I have had the feelings I've had towards him.  Suffice it to say, he has never brought anything positive to my life (literally, ever) and is an incredibly toxic person.  While, I'm sure it wasn't his intent (although I don't really know what his intent was) in this instance the truth has set me free.  I was not able to protect myself from him as a child, but thankfully I am able to do so now.  This is a big deal, but I have to say I feel lighter than I have in years.

Which leads me to a pretty big breakthrough... some of you who may have been raised to believe you aren't worth anything, that you don't deserve anything... will maybe get this.  I have spent so much time trying to get this man to finally approve of me, to like me... and I, now, can sit back and say "I don't like you, I don't approve of you... I don't choose YOU."  That is incredibly cathartic.  He used to be my inner negative voice (I would literally attack myself with what I thought he'd say about my life choices) and without that, maybe I can start to enjoy my life?  Learn to let myself feel deserving of something more than hardship.  I'm allowed to have a good life, and to be happy.  I don't need to earn it.  And I don't need to hold myself back from it because I feel I'm unworthy.  He was wrong about me.

There are a lot of ways this will effect me/us and one is that we are not going to adopt... more on that later... but mostly, this:  I don't need to save everyone in order to be a good enough person, to justify what I have.  My life was hard and sad growing up, and I deserve to have a peaceful life and to give that to my children, now that I can.  Our family balance is good and healthy and I need to protect that for them and myself.  I'm a good enough person even if I don't sacrifice our stability for someone else.... that is big for me... and hard... but I also think it is true.

So let that sink in.

Spilt Milk

Have you ever had a grocery bag break tossing your gallon of milk out onto the floor?

The 3 foot fall splitting open the gallon jug, hemorrhaging milk all over your kitchen?

It is a horrifying thing to behold.

She Really Is Better & Korean Updates

Just wanted to update to say that Baby's fever FINALLY broke for real (and forevermore) sometime Tuesday night.  She is doing so much better and her energy is slowly returning (but not her baby fat... homegirl is skin & bones...boo!).

I have been on antibiotics for the sinus infection and I am FINALLY feeling like I might actually recover (eventually).  The first round of antibiotics was making me sicker (believe it!), so I'm now on a different one (which is killing me more softly) and I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Plus, I finally slept last night.  And in case you are wondering... I managed to GAIN weight while having the flu for 2 fucking weeks... WTF?!

On other fronts, I have nominated myself to make photo goodbye cards for all of the Korean exchange students at school.  It really pisses me off that in all of the years that they have had exchange students no one at the school was doing anything for these kids when they left.  This is a pretty cathartic job for me.  Have I mentioned how primal my sorrow about this stuff is?  I mean... it is hardcore upsetting for me... I'm working on it in therapy because it is too legit to quit.  It's got something to do with the fact that I changed schools every one to two years until I was in high school and I also didn't have any kind of formal goodbye (ya' think?!).  So, I really relate to the loss and need for some kind of closure.  And since these kids are here without parents and have no one to advocate for them... Mrs. F is stepping up!

The Korean saga continues for Kid and is still pretty hard.  Her friend has been gone from school for 2 weeks and I can't say the adjustment has been going very well.  It turns out they were better friends then I had realized... or more that this particular friend was just a more dominate force in Kid's day then I realized.  Her absence has left a friend gap (Kid has other friends but they are shy and not as fun) that she acutely feels everyday.  The Skype situation is hard because of the 14 hour time change.  Plus they are 10 and conversation skills aren't exactly what their relationship was founded on.  Skype would work so much better if they were teenagers with something to say and later bedtimes.

I have spent a fair amount of my sick time researching South Korea.  If interested check out this crazy website: Eat Your Kimchi... I'm obsessed with their TL;DR videos which give an interesting take on South Korean culture versus North American.  I also watched this awesome Korean movie the other night: Castaway On The Moon... that is one of the most satisfying movies I've seen in awhile.  Seriously.  If you were a fan of Ameile than check it out.... I'd call it quirky comedy/drama. I laughed (a lot), I cried, it was the full movie experience.

TTFN

On The Mend

Baby's fever finally broke last night.  Hopefully, for good this time!  She is pretty worn down after being sick for so long, and we still need to keep an eye out that she doesn't develop pneumonia.  She did go to school this morning (she's in 1/2 day K) for 100 Day!, which is a very big deal on the Kindergarten scene and she didn't want to miss out.  Unfortunately, she came home extremely worn out.  We'll have to think about keeping her home tomorrow.  (Yes, We did have medical approval to send her)  

I am now on antibiotics, because 11 days of the flu wasn't penance enough for my worldly sins... now I have a sinus infection.  I actually got pretty darn sick with a raging fever and Mr F had to come home and take me to the ER.  (The ER was a crazy place so I ended up discharging myself and getting evaluated by my primary)  She was like "dude, you need to take care of yourself."  And I was like "dude, I've been trying to keep my kid alive."  I did realize when my lymph nodes in my armpits hurt something bad was going I down... I just waited 2 more days to be sure.  I don't like to overreact.  I ended up getting the antibiotics and now I'm just hoping to stay on top of the fever from the infection until that goes away.  Awesome times!

I have seen all of the Bachelor episodes from this season, caught up on Downton Abbey & Grey's Anatomy, watched many foreign films on Netflix, and become addicted to Candy Crush.  So it hasn't been all bad.  (Yes, it has)

I am now extremely hopeful that we're ALMOST better.  Which is a huge improvement over Sunday when I took her temperature, saw that is had gone back up and started weeping.  Which in retrospect was half devastation & frustration with her illness, and half that I had a fever and infection I wasn't treating... which always makes me weepy.

Still Sick

Quick update: Baby is STILL sick.  Significantly.  There have been a few up and downs over the last couple of days.  Her croup came back when the long lasting steroid wore off on Thursday.  I took her back to the doctor because we just can't break this fever and her breathing was still labored... they checked for pneumonia and said to go home and monitor her breathing and come back on Saturday AM if she still hadn't broken her fever.  Thursday night her breathing became fairly restricted, I remembered we had a leftover dose of Prednisone, so we gave her that which helped a lot and we managed to avoid the ER.  At that point I was still extremely hopeful that we were so close to the end of it.  Friday her fever broke and stayed that way for about 8 hours then came back (whoa, that was depressing... and distressing). We've been battling the fever ever since. I called the doctor this morning, as instructed, thinking they'd send us in for more x-rays and blood work, but someone else was on call and they dismissed the fever (?) and told us to come in on Monday.  That will be day 10.  We're getting frustrated with every doctor giving us vastly different instructions... and don't really know what we should do anymore.  Her breathing is okay tonight (so far), but her fever just took another swift uptick.  I don't know.  They still haven't given her any kind of blood test to rule out an infection of some sort and I'm really hoping that happens on Monday. I haven't had much more than 3 hours of sleep a night for the last 8 days, dealing with her coughing/breathing and monitoring her fever.  I'm exhausted.  And I'm still sick with the flu (I just can't seem to quit it, myself... something about the no sleep is probably not helping).

That's all.

Things I've Been Thinking About

How thankful that I am raising my children in these times.  100 years ago, I'm not sure what would have or could have been done for Baby.

But, also, morbidly, and somewhat disconcertingly, as Baby just cannot get over this... things have been bad (very bad) all week.... I am very aware that children still do die from complications of the flu every year in the US.  This isn't a cold, and it isn't a joke.

Baby has been back and forth with the doctors all week.  We just have not been able to break her fever.  They are watching for pneumonia.  The steroids they gave at the hospital on Monday night, wore off yesterday and her croup has come back.  Thankfully, I had a leftover dose from the initial doctor's appointment Monday morning, and I gave her that last night and she had enough improvement that she made it through the night with going back tot he ER.  Her fever broke in night, and I'm hoping it doesn't return... or if it does... that this is a sign that we might be nearing the end of this.  (Please)

This has been a long, scary, worrisome week.

We have been given a  24 hour limit, if she hasn't improved she'll go back to the hospital for more testing.

P.S. We did not give her the flu vaccine this year (we did last year).  I know that it is not a guarantee, but we will be sure that the girls get it every year after this.

There Was A Snow Storm, I Had The Flu... and then Baby's Body Tried To Kill Her

So within 36 hours of Baby's drawings (post below) she looked like this:

I mean, Jesus H. Christ, things got bad for her extremely quickly.  She seemed to have the beginnings of a cold on Saturday night and a low fever.  Same on Sunday.  I was very sick over the weekend, so this wasn't terribly alarming.  1 AM Monday morning she came running into our room not able to breathe with tears streaming down her face, she had nearly lost her voice.  I wanted to take her to the ER but Mr F thought I was overreacting (he'll probably try to deny it).  We did calm her down, gave her some Motrin, and got her to sit up in bed for awhile, she drank some water and she seemed to be doing a little better.  She woke up again at 7 AM with a repeat of the 1 AM episode.  I gave her some more Motrin (still just running a low fever) and called the doctor because while it seemed like a bad cold or the flu she'd never had trouble breathing before, and it was very concerning.  They saw us at 9:45.  By then her fever had spiked up despite the Motrin.  The Dr felt she was right on the edge of needing to go to the ER, but thought it was pneumonia and sent us home with a prescription for antibiotics and a steroid to use before bed.

By the time we got to the pharmacy she looked like she does in the above photo.  That looks BAD, people.  I really wanted to go to the ER and wished we'd just been sent from the Dr.  But I thought, we'll get the antibiotics and she'll be better in 24 hours.... her fever is just spiking.  I gave her some Tylenol while we waited for her prescriptions since the Motrin wasn't working.... I thought if I could break her fever she'd be doing better.

And we went home, and she ate, but her breathing was still so labored and she could barely speak.  I gave a steam treatment, no improvement.  Then I just felt it was bad.  Her breath rate was right around 40 breaths/minute (which the Dr said was the limit) and there was a lot of tugging at her collar bone and around her ribs, and loud wheezing.  The tylenol had had an hour to kick in, her fever was down... but her breathing was not any better.  I called the Dr and they said to give her the steroids and take her outside and call back in 15 minutes.  I gave her the steroids and put her in the car for the ER.  As soon as I gave her the steroids she seemed worse than before... she could barely breathe.  I knew it would take me about 15 minutes to get there and I'd rather be at the ER if it didn't work.  Well, it didn't work.  The drive over there was just about the worst experience of my life.  I kept yelling at her to stay awake because she was nodding off and her face was turning bluish.  NIGHTMARE.  

(Keep in mind it was also during a snow storm... of course!)

We got there in time... yowza... that was really stressful.  I mean, horrible.  I haven't had anything like that happen since Kid and her seizures.  Her fever had spiked up to 103.9 despite the additional Tylenol.  They re-dosed with Motrin and that still didn't work.  So they re-dosed with Tylenol.  Her heart rate was through the roof due to the fever.  She got chest and throat x-rays and she had no pneumonia.  They determined that she has Croup and the flu (which I also have... making all this extra fun for me).  She had a couple of breathing treatments and another steroid (long lasting) and then an epinephrine nebulizer (which was terrible).  And now she is doing MUCH better.  I kind of hoped we'd stay over night, because having all the hook-ups monitoring her made me feel better... but the steroid and epinephrine seem to have helped.  Her fever is down today, her voice is still hoarse but MUCH better (she could barely say one word yesterday), and she is now coughing a productive sounding cough.  Her breathing rate is less than half what it was yesterday.

Muse

Her Vision Realized

The Set Up:

I'm not even gonna lie... I was intimidated by this cake design.  

The Delivery:

Had Baby not been home directing me, this is where I would have stopped.

I mean look at how faithfully I recreated her unicorn drawing!  Come on!

But to Baby's eye it was still missing some key details.

Way on the bottom of her drawing she has red, yellow, green, and blue 5 petaled flowers.

I REALLY didn't want to mix more icing colors!  So, I enlisted Baby to make them out of jelly bellies.  I am extremely controlling about cake decorating, so just know that took real effort on my part!

But it was still missing something. She insisted she needed those blue cats!  

Enter bento picks I just bought for lunches.  

Phew... that was a close one.

After that, Baby said "That is the best cake you have EVER made!"

 Success.  

(P.S. I have also developed the absolute, hands down, best chocolate icing you have EVER tasted. 

For 100% real. Sweet baby Jesus... I don't even like icing... so I'm serious about this.  It is like if you spread the most superior chocolate truffle you ever had on a cake. I mean it.  More on that some other time)

Daily Doings

Yesterday it was foggy, which always makes me think about how we live on a PLANET... I've been known to ponder that from time to time.  You know, gravity, gases, the whole nine yards. It's a lot to wrap your mind around.  Or sometimes when I'm driving down the road I'll see a tree and realize... dude, that is just a BIG plant... you know?  I mean, yes, obviously, but sometimes I'll see a leafless oak and just be struck at how similar it is to say a dead woody mum. Like a gigantic dead mum.  And it is kind of amazing.  I think a lot about the whole living on a planet thing.  Do you think about that?  It is full on CRAZY.

This week is overwhelming.  Baby turns six tomorrow! (shh... she doesn't like to talk about it... although yesterday she said maybe this year she wouldn't cry on her birthday eve but she is still sad about growing up.... which is a significant improvement over the last two years where she cried herself to sleep.)  To cheer herself she has designed her birthday cake.  Three tiers, orange, with rainbows, unicorns and blue cats... that shouldn't be too hard to pull off on a school night!

Fear not, she's thought of that and has given me detailed decorating instructions.  Check out all those piping bags of different icing colors! I only have to mix 8 custom colors! (at least she knows what she is doing)  I hope she isn't disappointed when her cake is 2 tiers with blue and white icing.  I will make an m&m rainbow but the 3 D cats and large unicorn.... not so sure.

Also, Kid's friend's last day of school is tomorrow.  So that should be awesome.  They have been skyping all the time, which has been great... but unfortunately once she goes back to Korea the time change is about as bad as it can be (14 hours) and that will be very hard for them to keep up with school and bedtimes.  We are going to try on weekend nights to Skype at 8-9 which will be 10-11 in the morning for her friend.  We'll try!! Of course, we can only control half of the equation.  I made a picture frame and printed a picture for her friend to take home.  They also got their Best Friends necklaces yesterday and her friend gave her a barrette her mother gave her before she passed away.  She has a matching one.  (truthfully that was hard!)  She hadn't told Kid that her mother was dead (their teacher told me 2 weeks ago) and she finally emailed Kid and told her about it and said she is always afraid to say it, and she was sorry she hadn't ever told her.  Kid and I cried ALL NIGHT.  That was a very hard email to receive and respond to as a 10 year old.  I know tonight and tomorrow night are going to be VERY hard for Kid and I really wish someone so sweet and kind didn't have to suffer through another hardship.  She is truly such a wonderful person.  So sweet and thoughtful and generous.  Her friend wrote her a letter thanking her for her kindness and telling her she was the nicest friend she'd ever had and her friends in Korea are mean (also made Kid & I cry all night).  I just want to help her with this transition and do everything I can to honor this friendship and keep it going.

(P.S. look at how old Kid looks now!)

Of course, we have to deal with this on Baby's birthday and birthday eve (with elaborate cake decorating!, class cupcake making, etc) and a huge Science test, memory test, & spelling.  Kid's stomach has been hurting so much it is hard for her to do anything when she gets home from school.  I told Kid... fuck it.... I don't even care about her grades this week... just try and enjoy being with her friend and let it go.  It doesn't matter.  We are also letting her Skype all evening and past bedtime while she can.

(Skyping while doing homework together!  Her friend plans to attend Oxford... so... she's a pretty good homework influence!)

The Order Of The Day

This morning I packed up my first attempt at a bento style lunch:

Not featured is the cute bear shaped hard boiled egg that I forgot about and had to put in a separate container.  I'm not going to lie... yesterday evening as I mixed up the sushi rice I said to the girls "I can't make fancy lunches and dinner" then I called Mr F and told him to bring home pizza.  It took SEVERAL hours to do this and I know it doesn't look like all that much... but... it is.  Just trust.  I'm experimenting to see how long I can keep the rice shapes in the fridge and have them still be edible.  If they can stay for a day or two then this whole thing is a lot more doable.  Of course the point was to entice Baby to eat more... and... she doesn't like sushi rice (she's nuts).  

(Baby with snowman outside of Tsai Grocery)

FYI, for any local person who is interested in going crazy and spending all night hand crafting their children's lunches, Tsai Grocery has a random and ever changing selection of bento things.  I got my hardboiled egg molds there last year (not there now), the rice molds and little picks I got yesterday.   Their prices are pretty comparable to what you'll find online, and of course you won't have to pay shipping.  They also have bento boxes, but since this is an experiment, I didn't get any of those yet. It is also a good place to pick up sushi rice, nori, sushi seasoning, and cute little panda cookies ;)  

In other news, I put together a pretty nice goodbye card for the Koreans.  I'm hoping and praying I get it delivered before their last day!  (It is going to be CLOSE)  Mr. F had spend every morning at school trying to take a good class photo but there was always someone sick.  Finally, I just took a couple with my phone with what we had.  Thank God, because I had no idea how long shipping and processing was going to take.  I got one of them smiling-ish (see last post) for the cover, one of them waving on the inside with a goodbye message and all of their names, and then a goofy shot for the back of the card with their school, class, and year on it.  I ordered enough to give the kids that are leaving next week, and have the others waiting for when the other two kids go back later in the year.  I think it will be a great momento for the kids to take home with them.  I also ordered little South Korean and US toothpick flags (from toothpickflag.com) and I got those in a couple of days... no expedited shipping... fyi, in case you ever need little flags!  I'm going to bring in rice krispie treats with the flags stuck in them on their last day (or cupcakes.... but the icing will ruin the flags).  I also ordered best friend necklaces for Ruby to give her Korean friends, and hopefully Mr F is taking a picture of her little friend group which we will frame and give them to take home as well.  And, YAY!, we did figure out email and skype with her friend that is leaving next week... and we have a couple of months to figure it out with her other friend.  So that is a load off.  I feel pretty good about it all.  I think we've done everything we can to make this a meaningful goodbye for the Koreans and for Kid.  

 (Kid wearing her rearview spy glasses.... 

proof that sometimes our life isn't overwhelming stress and sadness)

It's hard to tell in this picture (because capturing actual snow fall is not easy) but the snow is really coming down this morning...

(Looks like my snow tires will finally get put to the test!)

Goodbye Card

Picture In Landscape 5x7 folded card

Turn family photos into photo Christmas cards.

View the entire collection of cards.