So Apparently...

Saying you need to see a therapist is a conversation killer.

ha!

Oh well. There is no shame in my game.

I did get in touch with her and we can catch up in two weeks. Which times out to be after Kid's conference, so I'll be able to paint the most thorough picture I can of the situation. Side bonus, she frequently works in the Ann Arbor public schools, so she'll know if what is going on with Kid's teacher is par for the course or just plain wiggity whack. I'll really appreciate getting that insight as we move forward. She was also invaluable to me last year when I needed some help assessing Kid's OCD ticks, so I'll be looking forward to her guidance in that arena as well.




On to other things....

I just love our yard! Our house is set up into a hill, so that from every window you see tree tops. It is so uplifting to look out at all those trees every day. From our big family room, which is lined with windows on three sides, you feel like you are sitting in a tree house. 


(bad pictures, but that's just the view I have from our kitchen counter... and it still kicks ass)

Look even Mr F thinks so... I just looked up and saw him walking along our roof. If our yard is good enough background for one of his fancy car photos... I guess that's saying something.

(He's got some kind of Audi convertible today, if you are wondering. I can't tell if it's that 180K one or not ... yes for real... isn't that completely insane?)

And it's such a nice confirmation of our move.  Honestly, people, there has not been one moment of regret.  Even with the whole school debacle, this was the right move, at the right time, to the right place.

The entire time we were in West Asheville our surroundings really depressed me. As a stay at home mother, what I can see from my windows has a profound effect on my spirits. I spent a lot of time bemoaning the abandoned gas stations, the non-stop out of control barking dogs, and the general shitty-ness of our old neighborhood (especially considering the price!). Sometimes I wondered if I was making it up... could it really be that bad? Yes, my friends, yes it was. There is not a single part of our town that bears any resemblance to that, not even on the "other side of the tracks". When we walk around, it charms me and cheers me up. Your environment really does matter. And, hell... at just about half the price... we're feeling very lucky indeed.

So that's my take away house hunting tip for you. How nice your house is matters, of course... but most of that you can fix and improve upon if you want to. What you have to look at matters too... and most of that will be outside of your control. Take some time to look out of the windows before you buy! A super charming house will still suck your soul out if you have to look at your neighbors garbage every morning from the kitchen sink. I gained a new perspective on that this time around. We saw a beautiful, big, stone craftsman, and it was hard to not want to love that house... but... I really paid attention to what was out the windows... and it wasn't pretty... and it wasn't going to change anytime soon. So we moved on. And I'm glad we did.

That Explains A Lot

I noticed something interesting this morning.

I think it's a key to what has been going on for me lately.

Try as I might to get myself on track, I just have not had the motivation to workout.

Which is very different than my usual self determination.

I am really not one to sit and live with a problem.

I am by nature a problem solver.



#1 Last week Kid had a pretty good week at school.
Socially things started to turn around.
Hooray.
So, academically, I still have my questions (serious ones)... but we can live through that.


#2 Last weekend I worked out for the first time since living here.
Then I worked out EVERY SINGLE MORNING since then.
I felt like I was suddenly back to the old me.


#3 At the breakfast table Kid told me about being reprimanded for day dreaming. Then she revealed that she isn't allowed to take snack time if she isn't done with her "morning work"... then has to eat snack during recess... thereby destroying what social success she has made, since she can't play with the other kids.

#4 Kid goes to school, and instead of gearing up to workout, I decide I need a rest day.

#5 Recognize a familiar feeling.

#6 Realize that ALL ALONG the stress I'm feeling about Kid's school situation is what has been keeping me from working out. It has been sucking my soul out and draining all my energy... leaving me... not depressed... but well drained... and stressed. And I only have so much energy to expend outside of regular daily activities... and if I feel I need to be dealing/worried about Kid and what to do next... that pretty much uses it up. And I just do not have the energy to worry about Kid 24/7 and also workout.* I just don't. I'm not a superhuman.

#7 Call my old therapist to get myself back in her schedule... since I clearly need a safe place to let this stuff out. I need a place where I can work on my feelings, and sort out what feelings are my old injuries, and what are justified in this situation. I need help assessing my motivations and keeping them in check with what is best for Kid. I need help making a smart, viable plan for how to fix what is going on. Sometimes you need an outside person to reflect your feelings off of. This is one of those times.

#8 Immediately feel like working out.


*Which is saying a lot about how much stress I am under. Even during the intense seizure watch times, during our house selling in Asheville... I still worked out. This is different. This time I don't *know* what the right answer is... and it's killing me. I second guess myself and my motivations and the school and Kid EVERY SINGLE DAY... multiple times a day. This isn't a cut and dry situation with a clear solution.

It's Over

We finished LOST last night.

We pretty much cried continuously for an hour and half, muttering...

"What does it mean? What does it mean?!"*

And I'm still processing what the hell it means.

I mean I get the obvious... but...

Why did Penny & Juliet get to be there?!

What does it mean?!!! What does it mean?






*Special nod to SuperDad for introducing me to that, now, commonly used Furious household phrase.

Same Story, Different Year

The time change is kicking my ass.

You'd think gaining an hour would negate the wonkiness of the change... but... no.

I didn't actually gain an hour. I was just awake an hour longer.

And, sure, I appreciate that the sun is on the verge of rising when we get up (for now).... but.... the darkness that sets in an hour earlier in the evening?!... not a fan.

Not a fan.

Saturday

After a long week of work Mr F came home a bit early on Friday(4 PM... shocking!) and we all curled up on the couch and watched this gorgeous remake of Heidi on Netflix.  We loved it.  Mr F and I cried.  (For what it is worth we cry nightly during Lost).

(Seriously, who doesn't love Max Von Sydow?).

This morning we got up and out early to catch the free movie showing of Ramona & Beezus at our local movie theater.  I had been both excited and nervous about this movie.  We love, love, love the entire book series, but I worried that the way they had interpreted and combined story lines would piss me off.  Um... needless worry, outside of John Corbett being John Corbett...  I LOVED IT.  Mr F and I cried.... a lot... even after the movie.  (see previous disclaimer).  

Now, the kids are hiding in leaves while Mr F tries to rake them. 

It's very very scary (as you can see.  Baby's fake fur trim is just terrifying.

I'm inside where it isn't 30 degrees working on this...

Yep, that is how lame we are.

That's it.  We're in that sweet spot between holidays, when we can actually just relax and enjoy our weekend together.  It's rare, and fleeting, but it's making for a good, good, time.  

Belated Birthday

This beauty turned 8 on HALLOWEEN 

EIGHT!  

Unbelievable.

I love her more than ever.  Really, I do.  I think she is totally awesome.  

I'm trying to lure her into being my best friend by teaching her sexy cheers for her spelling words.  

I think it's working.

You should come over at 5 PM on school nights.  It is hilarious.

I could go on and on about how much she means to me.  

She knows (which I consider a great parenting accomplishment... I didn't grow up knowing that in the unquestioning deep way that she does).

Last night I said...

"Do you think anyone loves their kids as much as I do?"  

"Nope." She answered confidently.  

"Why don't they?"  She inquired.  

"Because the level of love I feel for you would kill most people."  I replied.   

7:55 AM

"What are you doing?" Mrs F asks.

"What?" Baby returns defensively.

"I'm just carving a pumpkin in my mouth." She continues.



(please excuse the mostly lame picture oriented posts of late... this is Mr F's closing week at work again... and... well... that means me+kids for 16 hours straight every day which = tired, very, very tired)

We Knew This Day Was Coming

One reason we bought this house is because of the huge yard and abundant mature trees.
What we didn't know is that all of our trees would be late leafers and plot against us in dropping a majority of their leaves in about a one week span of time. Last week's massive wind storms certainly helped them along.

This isn't even all of the yard...




You know what I'll be doing today.

Somehow I don't think this little lady will be much help...


Update:
2 hours
5 huge tarp-fuls of leaves dragged all the way around the house and down the hill... with the added weight of Baby in the mix!
And all I've done is *mostly* clear the area around the deck...


In my defense some of the leaves in this area were more than a foot deep!

Please note the amount of leaves versus that house... that is a lot of leaves!

Let Me Just Say

We got our kittens 2 months ago.

And, by now, we could have bought Kid that horse she *really* wanted.

Nasty

unbelievably

the other goddamn cat (I say that with love)

is shedding tapeworm segments

yummy

Self Competency... AKA $75 Service Call My Ass

So one of the annoying things that the movers damaged is our dryer...

They put something on top of it.

If we hadn't paid a ton for full coverage we'd just be sitting here slightly annoyed.

Since we did, we of course want this baby fixed.

Along with our dining room table, side table, and as piddly as it sounds... our stainless garbage can (I will note that I would never have made a big deal about that personally... Mr F did).

Well, despite paying more than the total amount it would cost to fix everything for the insurance, the moving company is taking their sweet old time repairing everything.

The other day a furniture repair guy showed up and took pictures and took our tables... but... he doesn't know how to fix the dryer. He suggested I call an appliance repairman to come out and give us an estimate.

Well, I could do that.

Or, thanks to the internet, I could figure out how to repair it my damn self.


Done (it's amazing how motivating NOT having to call repair people... my own strange form of social anxiety... can be).

Now I just need the moving company to pony up for the price of the part.

This One Is For Reesa... AKA Mr F Mocks His Daughter

Highbrow Halloween

This costume, sadly, went over everyone's head. They had to have a costume inspired by a book. The teacher actually took the book and leafed through it... like she had never seen it before. Hmm...


Lowbrow...

And If I Can Do That... What A Gift It Will Be

#1 I read this, and it pretty much summed up my feelings on homeschooling.


#2 Dark green carpet may not show dirt... but... it shows EVERYTHING else.


#3 I went into the school to talk to Kid's teacher. I asked her how Kid was doing socially. She said "Fine". When I told her she was actually having a hard time adjusting, blah, blah, blah, and that there were some mean kids, etc., the teacher responded with....

"Well, we all have our hardships."

(FYI, that was not an acceptable response.)

I also had to bear the heartbreaking disappointment of seeing that the kids' desk were all prepped for the next morning with their stacks of worksheets. I know we get about 10 home everyday... but... I didn't know it was this bad. I wouldn't wish a boring non-stop paperwork job on an adult... I certainly am not going to sit back and resign a year of my child's life to that. REALLY. This is the actual learning style of that classroom. They walk in, sit down, and work on worksheets ALL DAY. It's raining... no recess you say?... no problem... they don't have free play... they have FUN WORKSHEETS to do in their desks. SERIOUSLY. These kids are SEVEN YEARS OLD.

So yeah...

#4 Kid is coming out of that school before Christmas. That I can goddamn guarantee you.


I talked with Kid about some choices. I talked to her about another private school. "They don't have any worksheets there." I said. She was excited, then said slightly concerned, "What about fun worksheets, like coloring ones?" "Honey, at this school you can draw whatever you want." She had a huge smile.


I may not know what we're going to do next. And I may not know how it will be. But I do know it will be better than what she's doing now.

As I said to Kid, while walking home from school....

"There is a difference between being *happy* and not being *sad*.



We can't control everything. We can't protect our children from all hardships. God knows, we know that.

But, you can choose to change the things within your control.

You can choose happiness, when happiness is a choice.

And if I can teach my children anything.

It's that.

Bewitching

Spelling Lesson

I let Kid stay home from school again today. I just thought she was tired and needed to sleep and just let today be an *easy* day emotionally. (Plus, I was really tired from staying up late watching Lost...just kidding).

When she woke up (2 hours after she would have had to get up for school), I told her we would do a practice homeschool day.

We started with the assignment her teacher had emailed me. Then we went on to practice her spelling words.

When we introduce new spelling words I usually give it in the context of a sentence.

So when I told her "kicked", I followed it with...

"I accidentally kicked you in the head." (As if that isn't what came to your mind first, too)

Then Kid said...

"Which actually happens all the time at school."

"Except... it isn't an accident." She finished.

R.I.P.

Kid woke up early to snuggle Dasher for awhile before he was put down.
She was doing pretty well until we had to get out the carrier. Then we all started to lose it. Well, not Baby, she did fake cry to keep us all company though.

The hardest part for her (and me, honestly) is the empathy for him. Just feeling so overwhelmingly sad that he only got to live for 5 months. It is very hard not to anthropomorphize animals. But, we talked about it (for days) and we wondered if we would have adopted him even if we knew he was dying. Wouldn't we have brought him home and given him the best possible 2 months he could have? Love him, and let him live out his days sleeping and playing with his brother? Wouldn't we have wanted to make sure he didn't suffer? Of course we would have.

His short life was, sadly, inevitable and we need to focus on the quality of life he got to have. That he did not know he was dying, as we did. And was able to die peacefully and humanely in the arms of a loving family member. However short, he did have a good life for the few months he lived with us.

Right before he left with Mr F this morning, I gave him a pile of treats (he had stopped getting up to eat regularly). While he was eating he lost his kitten tooth. It was both a gift for us... a little physical reminder for Kid to hold onto... but also just a sad, sad, statement that he was losing his life just as he was losing his baby teeth.


Mr F had the unfortunate task of taking him to the vet to be put down. Mr F said "How many animals must I bury?!". This just feels so cruel after losing Canine last year.

Unfortunately, this is the dark side of pet ownership. And as I said to Kid, the natural world isn't a fair place.

Heartbreakingly, Tiger is roaming around the house crying out. I didn't think he'd notice yet, but he's definitely acting as if something is wrong. Or maybe he's just mad that I gave the last of our treats to his brother...

We still need to work on not anthropomorphizing Tiger, apparently.

Good Guess... But...

"Do you know where my party is going to be?" Kid asks Baby.

"At the... jail?" Baby whispers cautiously.

This Has Been A Long Time Coming

The carpet is finally here!
It took Mr F and I an amazing 3 hours to empty all four bedrooms and the living room. How many weeks do you want to guess it will take us to put it all back? 3? 4? Our bathroom, dining room, kitchen and playroom look like storage units. I feel like we just moved in again.

This is what we put in our livingroom. It is a very dark moss green with a cut & loop texture. I love it. The color choice was very difficult. We needed dark to hide dirt (sliding door to outside) and the texture to hide wear and tear (there is a major walking path from the front door to the dining room cutting through here. We took our cues based on the staining of the previous carpet. It wasn't pretty and we do not want to pay this much money any time soon!



For the bedrooms we went with a light grey... touch of taupe... short pile carpet. I wanted a neutral but am not much of a fan of beige and didn't want to go the cream route because of the kids. This tone (being more cool) is well suited to our intended bedroom palate of cool pink, grey, and Kid's light blue. This short pile is unbelievably soft. Seriously.



Both of these are SmartStrand (made by Mohawk) from Lowe's. And they were not that expensive. We had looked at a high end independent store first and we could not afford their Mohawk SmartStrand and what we could afford was terrible low quality rough stuff. This is the same carpet we couldn't afford there and the price was lower than the cheap crap. SmartStrand is more stain resistant than Stain Master but have no added chemicals to make them that way, the stain resistance is part of the strand composition (as the name implies) instead of treated carpet, so they are super soft (also less fumes). We went with the highest end pad which is a solid pad instead of the glued up bits style... less glue... less fumes and off gassing. Plus it won't break down unevenly overtime. It is also the only pad you should leave down when you re-carpet if needed. So the little bit more (under $200 extra over traditional pad for the whole house) will more than pay for itself if we need to re-do any of these rooms.

And I'd like to give Lowe's a nod for giving us 10% off our entire purchase even though we never did get that coupon in the mail. Mr F told them about it and they gave it to us anyway.

And the installers (hired by Lowe's) did a great job. This is our 3rd time getting carpet in the AA area and this is hands down the best installation (even better than Merkel).

Everything looks so clean now... what with the lack of large bodily fluid stains and all!


On the unfortunate cat front... we've decided to put him down on Monday morning. We want to be sure we don't let this go on into suffering. Right now his movement is clearly inhibited but he can still eat a little and go to the bathroom in his litter. He can still be petted, but he can't move off the floor or play... just watch his brother. With the rate this has progressed, and the emotional toll of watching your pet die, we think ending this sooner rather than later is best.

So Obviously Things Are A Bit Intense

#1 Homeschooling: When, What, Where (DisneyWorld?!... just kidding... kitchen table)

This has been a hard, hard, time in the Furious house. Not hard like the 2 years in Asheville hard... but just *important* and *important* decisions can be stressful. You want to make the best decision you can. Of course, in our house, that means 100% of the pressure is ON ME. You might not have picked up on this yet... but, well, I make all the decisions. Which sounds awesome, but, let's face it... it's a lot of pressure. Leadership can really wear on you. Trust me.

The homeschooling issue is even harder, because there is what Mr F and I think we should do (he does express his opinions... he just doesn't choose to have the responsibility of acting on decisions... lucky him), and then there is Kid. She has her own ideas and viewpoint, which I very much want to honor and respect. Yet, she is still a child and is incapable of making (nor should she) a decision of this magnitude. I'm really torn.

When school started we knew we weren't impressed with the academics by about week 2. But, we had hoped this would be a good social placement for her, and if she was happy and making friends... whatever... the academics would sort themselves out eventually. So, we said we'd wait until June to make a judgment about the academics and our future school plans for her. Then it started to become clear that she wasn't exactly making friends. Then it started to become clear that she was being teased. And then I started to think... what the Hell?!... She isn't having a good time socially, and academically she's bored and not retaining any info longer than what is needed for Friday's test.

The good news is that Kid is on board with our feelings... she's really insightful that way. She understands that the learning style is uninteresting to her, that they aren't actually learning any new information other than spelling words (which are literally forgotten by the next week), and that the kids are "meaner". But then she'll have a good-ish day. Someone will play with her, and she wants to keep trying school. And I totally get that. Of course, I can stand back and remove myself, and say one good day every ten is not good enough. But I completely get how it feels to want to be liked so badly that a little crumb feels like an entire cake and you want to hope so badly that things are changing!

We tried this week to review at the end of the day and label the day as *good* (I want to keep going), or *bad* (I want to homeschool). Out of 4 days she had one *good*. I wanted to be able to have some quantifiable evidence. To look at a calendar and see a pattern that is crystal clear.

I know (know) that she'll be happy at home. I just struggle with empathizing so much with where she is at. Putting so much in, risking rejection, and wanting to see it all pay off. As if in one more week suddenly all of the kids are going to *get it* and start really liking her. And even at 7, she can acknowledge that she doesn't think that is going to actually happen. That kids just are not as nice (to anyone) as they were at her old school (got to love the Hippies on that front!), but she doesn't want to give up hope. Oh it breaks my heart. I am so very proud of her, for trying so hard.

But, ultimately we have to step in and say enough it enough, the good doesn't out way the bad in this situation. On the weekends (and truthfully the mornings) she's always ready to homeschool... but... then there will be some event coming up (fieldtrip, Halloween parade, etc) that she doesn't want to miss... and then, that's another week. And because of that, I think this could just keep dragging on. I think what we need is a deadline, and at this point, I think Christmas break is a good one. It's a natural end, she won't feel that she is leaving in the midst of things. There is absolutely no question in my mind, that after a 2 week break she will not want to go back to school.... she won't. By then, if she has friends, we'll know about it. If she hasn't had a playdate by Christmas, I think we can write it off and walk away pretty easily. We can enroll her in the homeschool school which starts a new session in January, it gives me time to get our curriculum lined up.

This plan will also allow her the opportunity to bring a snack to school for her birthday next week (something, obviously, all kids look forward to... she also really wants me to bring something with a number 8 on it to prove to her mean desk neighbor that she is in fact older than her! Believe you me.... I will really enjoy making those cupcakes!).

Yesterday, Kid and I talked about Christmas break, and she seemed relieved. She wants closure, but more importantly she wants to do it in a way that doesn't stick out. Everyone packs up for winter break. I get it. I'm behind it. I just hope we can make it 8 more weeks, without all of us needing anti-depressants.

Of course, this could all be out the window if next week we get a 5 out of 5 *bad* day report.

I mean, Thanksgiving could be a good natural closure too ;)


#2 We told her about Dasher. Seeing as he can't play anymore and just lays in one spot all day, etc... I started to fear he might not make it another week. Honestly every time I see him I have to check that he is still breathing. Just last weekend he was still running around the house like a maniac. It is really, really, sad. More on that tomorrow. #1 was about 5 paragraphs longer than I planned, and I'm sure you have some other things to do today.