Monday, August 3, 2009

Here We Go (Again)

I've given myself a little downtime post vacation to ease into this new phase of weight loss... which I really recommend. I didn't get crazy on myself with plans and commitments. I took it easy and added a little exercise. I started food journaling again... but not with rigid calorie amounts or food rules. And now I'm ready to reel it in a little more and get going. It's been well over a year since I lost track of what I was doing in the weight management department and it's time to get it back on track. I guess I should be thrilled that my complete lack of commitment and attention has only amounted to 8 pounds... although... the ugly truth that I've gained a good 11 pounds of fat due to some muscle loss kind of deflates my "it could be worse" balloon.

BUT I don't want to lose sight of the fact that I have figured out how to get and maintain the body I want.

I have.

No, really I have.

I just stopped doing it.

And now the time has come for me to say... "Well wasn't that fun? Did you enjoy your 15 months off? Was it worth it?"

And the answer to all of those questions is the same: No.

NO.

The small time commitment to food journaling is nothing compared to the amount of time I have replaced it with bemoaning my weight.

The extra 30 or 60 minutes in the evening gained by not working out... meant I was short tempered and usually felt put upon by family demands that no one really needed me around to meet. Did I feel more rested? No. Get quiet time to finish a project or do some *real* reading? Never. Just more of the same with absolutely no break in a long day of doing the same. Even when you love your life you need alone time. Please, for the love of God, give yourself some alone time. (Especially if it involves: The Bachelorette, Millionaire Matchmaker, Next Food Network Star, Project Runway & Army Wives... all of which lose their soul nourishing powers when watched with a two year old.)

Did I enjoy my 15 months off?

No I really didn't. In fact I spent most of it worry about how I was going to lose the X number of pounds I had already gained.

But this has been a valuable lesson.

One I'll undoubtably repeat in this lifetime because I'm human.

Because sometimes...

I break my butt.

And I get depressed.

And I like to bake.

Because I forget that it feels better to feel good... than to feel free.

Because the freedom is an illusion.

It's a sabotage that makes you feel more trapped than a 60 minute workout.

Or a scale.

Or a food diary.


And so I'm back. I'm bringing it.

I want this and I know that I can have it.

I also have a new perspective.

This isn't something I have to do.

I want to do it.

I, actually, enjoy it.

I'm better for it. Not because I should do it... but because I am literally better for it.

In my core.

More than I ever realize in the moment.

But now I know... I get it.

Get ready for greatness.

21 comments:

katieo said...

Go Mrs. F!!!

"It's a sabotage that makes you feel more trapped than a 60 minute workout."

Great point. I'm going to remember that.

Seriously, 8 pounds isn't bad. Especially considering the year you've had. I think you deserve a big pat on the back - the move. the butt. the finances.

For me, I quickly forget that taking care of myself enables me to deal better. (Hello. 4-boys-at-home-all-day-craziness.) Even as I went off sugar for the past few weeks and have started seriously exercising again, I've had so much more energy and have been way more capable to deal with the chaos that is my life. It's just so tempting to want a break through food and nonactivity. It's easier.

the end.

Robin said...

Fantastic post!!! I could just copy and paste it over to my blog. yes. To every one of your points.

I am excited to watch you bring it, and I will join you in the bringing of it. :)

HaleyBird said...

"Because I forget that it feels better to feel good... than to feel free."

YES YES YES!

I so needed to read that this morning.

Ms. Flusterate said...

AGREE! The stress of worrying about the weight gain takes up more energy and drama than actually just DEALING with it.
Very true.
Why is it almost a natural human default to doink ourselves over?

Kniki said...

Well done you, what a great positive attitude!

I have also just returned to proper, detailed, honest food journalling, and even bought an electronic scale so I can keep an eye on exactly what I am eating. I feel great for it so far, wish I'd done it sooner!

carrie said...

Amen and amen! (Interestingly, I am also 8 pounds up...and scared to death it will become 10 if I don't break out of the bad habits RIGHT NOW)

Love the new look!

Katy said...

Hey Mrs. F...how do you calorie count? Do you use paper and pen or do you use some type of computer program? Just wondering!

Karen said...

Mrs F-

You put into words what I could not. I have been slacking on my weight loss and exercise and I have gained time but I have not enjoyed it. I too have been feeling put upon by my family and that is just nuts. I just am having trouble handling it. Thank you for putting words to it.

Glad your back home. Missed you.

Erin said...

I know what you are saying about the extra hour if you don't work out. For me, I just resent the fact that I don't have that bit of time to myself and I am grumpy about it. Definitely not a productive time.

I laughed when you wrote sometimes "I break my butt". Not funny in real life, but when written like that....funny.

Mrs Furious said...

kate,
I use a blog to write & post my food journal. I like that I can just add stuff to my day as I go along.. even leave the post open on my desktop. So it's more like paper & pen but I don't have to find those first ;)

Miss Theresa said...

Amen sister! I'm bringing it today too! Back to the gym, which I love...back to eating cleaner...back to me!

My break came from being extremely sick and the Dr. suggesting I take some time off of the gym...bad idea!

I did make your magic cookie dough yesterday. May I say...yum!

You know what to do...and you'll get it done!

Mrs Furious said...

Robin,
"I will join you in the bringing of it."

I'm looking forward to it.



katieo,
"I quickly forget that taking care of myself enables me to deal better.
exactly.
I always want to believe that "downtime" (aka not taking care of myself and inevitably taking care of everyone/thing else) will be more fulfilling/relaxing. But in the end I'm falling apart because of it.

Haley,
happy to oblige.


Ms. Flusterate,
"Why is it almost a natural human default to doink ourselves over?"
Let's blame our moms!

(just kidding mom... kind of)


Kniki,
I love weighing my food. It really helps me feel in control and like I do have the power to make this work.
Good luck.


Carrie,
let's do it. By the end o' September we can be free of this excess weight!


Karen,
"I too have been feeling put upon by my family and that is just nuts."
It has taken me 7 years to believe that I need the break. And relapses like this are good to show me that I'm actually a nicer, less stressed, more loving person when I can have a little time to really recharge. I want to think I don't need a break... and I guess I don't... but I'm not as happy. I'm grumpy. I'm tired. When I think about it like that I can give myself the permission to step away from them for a bit knowing that I'm not brining them the best I have when I don't.


Erin,
Oh it's still funny to me too.
Despite the pain... it was even funny in the moment.

Mrs Furious said...

Miss Theresa,
Enjoy the cookie dough. That stuff is the bomb.

"Back to the gym, which I love...back to eating cleaner...back to me!"
Congrats!

Jaime (Embracing Balance) said...

Bring.it.

Mrs Furious said...

Jamie,
Oh I'm bringing it.

Claire said...

Big wedding in San Francisco Oct. 31st.
Started food journaling - need to lose 30 lbs. - really 60 but aiming for 30. Starting with 20 min. exercise video tonight. Bring it on!

Mrs Furious said...

Claire,
That's Kid's b'day.
Good luck. Weddings are always wonderful motivation ;)

Smitty said...

I am loving your new banner.

Andrea said...

looking forward to all the badassness is that even a word oh what the hell, I felt like I was sitting right in front of you and you were talking directly to me. love this post I think Im gonna print it and put it up to read every day.

P.O.M. said...

Please tell me that by "real" reading you meant AMish books. ha ha. I polished my last one off on one flight. Now I have to borrow some stupid non-Amish book and I'm devistated. I have 10 hours of travel tomorrow and a week off being alone working at a hotel. I NEED AMISH>

Mrs Furious said...

P.O.M.,
"Now I have to borrow some stupid non-Amish book and I'm devistated. "
Bwahahaha
Once you go Amish you can never go back

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