Whoa... The Doesn't Reflect Well On My Laundry Skills

"Mmm, I love the smell of sheets and cat fur"  Baby announces while taking in a deep inhale of Big Boy.

"Sheets and cat fur?"  Mrs F asks, confused.

"They smell the same?"  Mrs F inquires a little nervously.

"Yeah!"  Baby responds enthusiastically

Still Alive (because after that last one you deserve an update)

Here's the main deal...

Girl Scout camp (which I likened to Guantanamo more than once during my imprisonment) sucked the last living bit of soul I had left right out of me.

Something about the not sleeping for 56 straight hours (wish I was exaggerating) shoved my already fragile state right over the live long edge.

I may or may not have contemplated taking my own life (I'd tell you not to judge me on that, cause I know it sounds crazy-town, but remember that humans are really not constructed to stay awake for 3 days... it will fuck you all kinds of up in the head)

Especially, when you come home and it's Monday and the construction crew shows up and they finish your roof with an extremely NOT straight line.

And when you call the Village to ask where your replacement street tree was, since we were the only house NOT to get one (that they promised to everyone that lost one in the tornado then wrote a whole bunch of self congratulatory statements about how they had done that) I was told that I did get one.  And when I said that they planted it NEXT FUCKING DOOR (minus the fucking... because I'm actually the nicest person in the world to deal with... also not exaggerating... you can make me cry but you cannot ever push me to rudeness... FACT) and not in fact at my house, I got some attitude on the other end of the line.

And, people, PEOPLE... it was just too much.

Plus, Baby is 5 and her first dance recital is being taken as seriously as opening night on Broadway for crying out loud.  And you can't take pictures or video, but have to buy them for $30/each (assholes).  And (AND) there are 3 days of f'ing rehearsals.

And I need to find something called "Suntan" tights... and when I asked what time the recital was and the teacher talked to me like I had Alzheimer's and had told me before (hadn't) that the times will be posted the 1st week of May and it wasn't actually the 1st week yet in a sickeningly sweet tone... well... I just shut down.

I went home, looked at the spot where my tree wasn't... and completely shut down.

Then, of course, I made dinner.

And then I started crying on the inside.

Oh, wait I was going to write about how I'm feeling a bit better.  Oops.

So, miraculously, Mr F was convinced to stay home.  And while I did have to wake him up twice (meaning I did not actually get to sleep in) he did make the kids breakfast and take Baby to swimming (a procedure I kind of dread) and then he took them to Spanish and got them McDonald's for lunch.  Sure I still had to do the homeschooling, and he may have completely forgotten to bring me any lunch home (?!!) but it was still so much less than I usually do that it did help restore a bit of my inner strength.  Which clearly needed some serious restoration work.  I also ordered a week's worth of dinners from one of those make & take dinner places (but it turns out you don't have to make them), and talked myself down from my usual standards and into buying some packaged ready to eat food from the grocery store (ground breaking... I know).

I also found out about this show I can watch on YouTube.

And this blog.  And her honesty about her own hard times makes me feel a little less alone in mine.

And between the two I almost (almost) don't miss TV as much.

Although I still do miss bashing the Pioneer Woman during her cooking show on Saturday mornings.

I don't know why, but it brings Mr F & I closer together.

Mostly because I just don't think you can call yourself an accidental country girl when you married one of the largest land owners in America and you met him at a bar in Oklahoma where you are, incidentally, from.  You know?  It just rubs us the wrong way.  Just say you are a rich cattle rancher's wife with a state of the art kitchen and I'm all in... just don't lie to me.

Don't you lie to me, Ree.

Whoa, that show gets me riled up!  I don't even know where it comes from.  It just bubbles up.

I think that's why Mr F likes to watch it with me.  It brings out the fury he knows and loves.

So does the village tree lady.

But with her it's personal, so it's not nearly as much fun.

P.S. if you CC the tree lady's boss & you explain how not getting the tree you ORDERED planted on your property, when you are already so stressed and beaten down from the tornado and all the repairs and you just want to move forward, is extremely disappointing, you will get a prompt response and a tree by the end of the week.  Just sayin'... do not mess with me, village tree lady... Do. Not. Mess.

Mr F Stayed Home Today And That Is Saying Something

It could have to do with finding me keening on the bedroom floor

I'm not doing well, and I'm not in the space to even pretend that I am

the tornado, and the construction, and the insurance fights, and the contractor mishaps, which all result in a needed hypervigilance that I no longer have the energy for

and Mr F left on a business trip to San Francisco, followed directly by his being gone all the following week for 'closing week', then without a breath in between I was sent to girl scout prison camp, and now Mr F is preparing to leave for France...

all tidying up one of the worst months of my life

and I'm still having to do all the stuff, the homeschooling, and cooking, and laundry, and grocery shopping, and bill paying, and construction management

and worrying about the workmanship and the money

and how much I just want to go back in time have this never have happened

and I just don't have anything left inside

when things go bad I'm always left alone

it feels like the most horrifically long fight to the death

and it turns out they're winning

and I'm dying

to top it all off I had the roofers throw away our DirecTV satellite...  and now all I want in the world is to lie on the coach cloaked in a blanket and watching mindless TV

and there is that part of me that always appears competent and on top of things

and so no one sees, not even Mr F

that, really, I need the help

Other Kinds Of Preparedness

Remember when you were younger and you'd pre-drink before heading out to the bar?

I depart for Girl Scout camp in an hour.

And I'm not the driver.

Severe Weather Preparedness Week

Yep, it is.  Please take a moment to read up, make a plan, and prepare your family.

I wish I had read THIS last year.

There are a lot of things that we had done.  We were pretty well prepared, especially for people that didn't really think we would be hit by a tornado (or anything else). We had a designated safe room (basement bathroom under the stairs... stairs are a reinforced structure).  We had gone to Cabela's and gotten a water storage container, first aid kit, LED laterns, a 72 hour kit, and some extra supplies to round everything out to cover all four of us.  We knew to get everyone in boots, and bike helmets.  When you go through the site you'll discover that most injuries happen AFTER an event, stepping on nails is a big one!  Also a lot of injuries come from flying debris.  The helmets might seem overboard, but a kid actually survived a tornado when he was hit in the head by a flying toilet because he was taught in school to put a helmet on.  It's actually a good idea to cover everyone up in a comforter or under a mattress (bike helmets seems a bit easier than managing that!) if a tornado is headed your way, to help protect you from flying debris.

But there are very important things that I did not know.  I did not know how to turn off our gas... I really wish that I had known how to do that.  I was very worried about an explosion after the tornado hit.  I heard a loud boom from somewhere down the block, then worried that it wasn't safe to stay in our house with the gas on, but didn't think it was safe to stay outside with the trees down & the lightning, etc.  Next time, I would absolutely shut off our electric and gas ASAP.  When you are planning, remember you might be alone!  Everyone needs to know how to do everything... Sure, Mr F knows how to do all of that, it just never occurred to me that I would need to know, too.  And that's how things played out.  And for the record, lots of kids were home from school, with their parents still at work when it hit.  If that is your situation, do your kids know everything they need to know?

We also didn't have a weather radio... we just got a NOAA weather radio from REI that comes on automatically when there is a severe weather alert.  This alert will sound even before the tornado sirens and we can unplug it (it has reserve batteries) and take it down with us so that we know exactly what is going on and when it is safe to come back up.  This would have been helpful to have had at the time (could be lifesaving).  I had heard the sirens and had gone to the basement but I didn't know when the storm was over (we'd lost power) and I came upstairs RIGHT BEFORE the tornado hit the house.  I was very lucky that I got downstairs in time.  I now know, that the tornado actually lifted up the roof directly over where I had been standing in the kitchen just a moment (literally) after I got out of there.  It stills haunts me that I might have made a much bigger mistake, like letting the kids come back up, or going outside to check the sky.

And with that in mind, remember that you will very likely lose power, so be sure you have accounted for that.  Insurance papers a really hard to find IN THE DARK... especially when you never really filed anything since you moved in (oh is that just me?!... trust me, it's done now!).  I'm now going to make copies of that important paperwork and keep it in a waterproof bag in our 72 hour kit. I'm also putting an extra pair of long pants, underwear, socks, and a pair of gardening or work gloves for everyone in a an extra bag to keep in there.  If a tornado hits after you've put kids to bed, they might be in pjs (you might be!) and you'll need some back up clothes on hand (especially if your 2nd story just blew off.. and I wish I was joking... if we didn't have a ranch that may VERY WELL have been the end result).  Do not take the time to find these things after you hear the siren, go immediately to your safe area and stay there!  This is about preparedeness... not last minuteness.

 If you have space, think about storing the things that would be helpful (think camping goods, out of season clothes, etc) near your safe area, if not in it.  Remember you don't really want a ton of stuff in your safe area that could become flying objects in the event of a tornado.  If the power is out, but you know that all of your sleeping bags, rain gear, or whatever else is within easy reach, that makes a lot of sense... do it.  We have a shelving unit outside our basement bathroom, right by our garage door (our basement opens to our garage) and we can keep all our camping stuff there.  We also keep our bike helmets there (this works for us because of it's proximity to our garage, but you might consider buying extra... always handy when friends come over to play anyway!)  We also have hooks right by the door where we store our rain gear.  When we have a tornado warning we don't need to run around looking for that stuff, we keep it right by our safe room, we can pick it up and take it in with us.  If you have a traditional basement set up, maybe think about where you can consistently keep things that you can easily grab on your way down.

Things you will likely need in the immediate aftermath of a tornado, even if you or your house isn't directly hit... boots (debris and flooding), rain gear, flashlights, long pants, gloves, important documents (insurance #!!!).  When we left our house our town was actually barricaded off and we were told we might not be allowed to go back home once we left.  I had not packed accordingly for that! I hadn't taken our paperwork with us, you might need to leave quickly and in the dark, know where things are and take them with you.  You may need to handle things from a different location, and you might have to do it old school (no smartphone to help you out... because you forgot your charger!) so have important phone numbers on hand.  Think about cash... we didn't have any, and our entire town was out of power.  I'll be putting some in our pack!  Also, I saw THIS super cool weather radio that could be recharged either through solar panels or crank operated if needed and which could function as an LED flashlight & charge your phone... I'm totally getting one of those!

One other mistake I made, was to not take this as seriously as I should have, or could have.  I just didn't have the experience to do so.  I've lived my whole life with one or two uneventful tornado warnings every spring...  warnings were always kind of exciting but I never felt real concern.  I came up and down to the basement one million times, getting blankets, movies, stuffed animals, and wrestling the cats (twice), all at the kids request, while the girls stayed in the safe room.  I will never make that mistake again.  When the tornado hit, I knew it, and I knew that if I didn't haul ass my kids might be left down there alone.  It's serious, take it that way.

Basically, my advice is to take it all the way.  Things absolutely can happen to you.  Think about the worst possible case scenario and prepare for that.  Think about all of the things that could happen, not just the event, but the aftermath and go overboard.    Less really isn't more, here.

Oh, and batteries!  Extra batteries!

The end.

Tomato Tomahto

"That's what's great about it!  Usually you have to be super rich to have a vacation home... but because this house is falling down and inhabitable... we can kind of afford it."  Mrs F says to Kid, while perusing foreclosures.

"Um, I don't know if I'd call that a vacation home... more like a 5 foot shack that's a dump hole."  Kid replies unenthused.

Updates

Well, this week has been productive.

 On Monday evening, Kid noticed some water damage on our kitchen ceiling. I can't believe it... it's been over a month since the tornado, we still haven't had the roof approved, and now we have water damage from the month's worth of spring storms. More stress...and I'm not happy.

 On Tuesday, our local insurance agent came out to see the non-progress on our house, and makes notes so as to try and go over the head of the catastrophic adjuster (that had not yet approved the whole roof replacement).

 (Our local agent did say he was embarrassed to work for State Farm, that the company that can afford Super Bowl ads should not be nickel and diming it's clients over tornado damage, it's not the State Farm he started working with 30 years ago... for what it is worth, drop State Farm like it is hot)

 On Wednesday, Mr F left town for the rest of the week.

 On Wednesday afternoon, the catastrophic adjuster came out to document the new leak (other side of the house from the tree damage... so... we're thinking full roof rip off should be a go... and I should note EVERYONE else has had their entire roof replaced by now). Unbelievably he told me that he wasn't going to approve a new roof, just two patches. I lost my fucking shit... and let him know the level of my disappointment. The man felt my fury. I reminded him that this is not a handout, this is a service we have ALREADY paid for. I may also have shamed him in front of our contractor. Just ask Mr F... I know exactly how to make someone feel like shit, when I need to.

 Magically our roof got approved later that evening.

 On Thursday, contractors came out to assess our driveway damage.

 On Friday, our driveway was repaired and resurfaced, AND our new roofing got delivered. I can't believe it... but it looks like things might finally be heading in the right direction! I'm thinking by the end of next week we might actually have a new roof and new siding (maybe). Then we just need to get all this yard nightmare (huge ground stump piles, holes in yard, mud problems, etc., dealt with).

 On Friday evening, my mom came down and took the girls and I out to dinner. That was good, since I was kind of at a "Mr F is out of town/the insurance guy is a dick/I can't believe I need to have my kitchen ceiling fixed now" exhaustion overload point... and she had a surprising amount of awesome gossip to share, which is always rejuvenating.

 On Saturday, I decided to stop neglecting my diet and exercise (obviously, I needed to alleviate a fair amount of house stress before I could reach this point). I worked out for 80 minutes, made some grain free choc chip cookies (surprisingly good), and have kept under 1200 cal. I really need to do this, and get myself back on my radar.

I've had a very hard time since moving back to MI making myself a priority and sticking with it. I'm actually looking forward to the kids starting school in the Fall, since I'll finally have time for working out without feeling guilty about it. It will be the first time in 10 years that I'll have a couple of hours to myself.

 And now Mr F has returned.

Uh... That's Not What I Said

"Hey, can you go tell Dad that I have a migraine and he needs to get some dessert going?" I ask Kid.

"Dad, Mom said she has a migraine and you need to get dessert ready!" Kid dutifully yells.

"Time to get some fucking dessert in my tummy!" Baby hollers after her.

Oops I Did It Again...

It Turns Out...

I don't really enjoy managing all the clean up/restoration work that has been going on for the past month.

In fact, I find dealing with all of the contractors, subcontractors, laborers and the whole insurance component to be one of the most stressful jobs I've had to undertake.

I don't think, even if I did get to control the timeline, cost, or work being done, I'd enjoy this.

The reality is that I don't get to control any of the above, and well... I pretty much hate it.

Insurance is the final word, and "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit".

It's all of the negatives of a major home renovation, with absolutely none of the positives.

Put all that stress right on the back of the most traumatic event in my life...

(just because you live through something, does not mean you think you will at the time... and that took a pretty serious psychological toll on me and I'm still working through that, not to mention the PTSD that makes sleeping nearly impossible... as I'm always listening for wind... or just dealing with regular weather patterns without anxiety.. it's hard)

and... I'm at my breaking point.

It just seems unfair that you have to live through both the destruction and then the construction.

Of course, Mr F is rarely here... wasn't here when it hit and is not here for the construction.

It's a lot to manage on my own.

And I've passed my ability to handle it well.

Saving Face

Unfortunately, it turns out tree farms are lacking, ironically, in shade.

I woke up this morning looking, as Kid described, "like a dog tore off your nose and then put it back on". Which is also a good description of the pain I'm in. Particularly awesome, since we have a fancy Easter dinner to attend.

(Keep in mind the flash is washing this picture out... it was even more horrendous is person, if possible)

Thank God, I had kept that tube of foundation the makeup artist used at my wedding (yes, that's the first and last time I ever wore any)... I really wasn't sure how I could show up anywhere looking like a red & white raccoon.

I might die of botulism, but at least I don't look like a complete freak anymore.

Words To Live By

"I have this thing,

if there are holiday creatures coming into the house,

I am wearing underwear...

END OF STORY." Kid proclaims

Paying The Taxes

and watching the General Conference.

Updates

Well, try as we might, we did not win half a billion dollars last night. We are not lottery people, but considering our run of luck in bad odds of late, why not see if we could get a streak going?
So much for funding a million wells in Africa. Can't wait to see what idiots win and go bankrupt within 5 years.

Particularly disappointing since we just got our repair estimate. FORTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. That doesn't even include landscaping, people. We're still waiting to see what of that insurance is going to cover. We know that at least 8000 is definitely not covered.

On top of that, I'm super excited to file our taxes this weekend. You remember how well that went last year? Mr F forgot to give me his largest 1099... causing me a YEAR of IRS paperwork issues to deal with. That's even though I had corrected the problem, filed amended returns & paid the difference BEFORE April 15th. So, this year, I am not filing early! And Mr F has vowed not to do this to me again!
***************************************************

Before the tornado, we had been eating a strict Paleo diet for 3 weeks. There were positives and negatives to this diet. It was a lot of work, and was very expensive. Mr F and I often felt extremely unsatisfied with our choices, and extremely bored of nuts! However, Mr F lost a TON of stomach fat super fast. I never had cravings of any kind, and also lost stomach fat (not as much). I had more energy and found working out much easier to fit in and follow through on. But I did have different digestive issues (TMI but things swung too far the other way, and that was getting problematic). We had been hoping to do a full 30 day challenge and really see how we felt at the end. But once the tornado hit, we dropped this diet like it was hot. It was just too much work to maintain while things were so up in the air and stressful. And for a week, I felt fine. Making me really wonder, whether pursuing Paleo was something I wanted anything to do with anymore. But this week all of my old digestive issues came back, along with fatigue, insomnia, headaches, and nonstop sugar cravings. Last night Mr F and I were talking and both said we definitely feel like shit now that we're off Paleo, but we need to make it easier to follow and cheaper. It's pretty hard for me to not do something all the way, I'm thinking on it. But I did get up and bust open this big bag of almond flour that came right before the tornado, and has been sitting in the pantry ever since. I ordered this off of Amazon, and if you are doing Paleo... hop to! It is much finer ground and much cheaper than store versions.
I made some Paleo banana muffins, and the batter came together so much more smoothly than the other brands. I'm really excited about this stuff! I think it might help me do more grainfree baking, which might make this diet easier to follow. Right now, we're thinking Paleo breakfast, snacks and desserts. Regular lunches and dinners (focusing on using rice and potatoes as starches)... I don't think that I have a problem with either of those, and think it will help make dinners a bit easier to throw together and keep me from making Paleo and non-Paleo meals for the kids. I also think a little rice might help with the Paleo digestive issues I was having. I'm also not going to stress about what kind of sweetener I use (again I just don't think this is worth the trouble and cost... doing Paleo you already reduce your intake so much). I'm thinking the end result should be a low sugar, whole foods diet, with a small amount of grain. I'll be interested to see if this take on it will have the same immediate results that we had when we did it the first time. I have a strong suspicion that I have a certain carrying load for grains, and I just need to work to figure out what that amount is.

Not Winners

Construction Begins

(or pre-construction construction begins)

They're tearing into our interior wall today to assess the structural damage.

I kind of always assumed if we were going to have real construction crews in and out of our house, we'd be getting something cool like a new kitchen or bathroom.

Not just to restore our house to it's original bland 60s-ness.

Oh, well. At least it's the one room we hadn't painted yet.

Perfect Score

The kids went in to the private school today for their placement evaluations.

Baby, not surprisingly, kicked it out of the Kindergarten park.

Not just coloring in Jesus, but also adding a picture of herself, in diamonds and roller skates.

It really took the "My Best Friend is Jesus" coloring page to a whole other level.

Kid, on the other hand, I actually had to drug last night to get her to stop the stressing and fall asleep.

We didn't know what was going to be on her placement test, so we couldn't study and that was almost too much stress to bear.

You may recall test anxiety was one of the reasons we took her out of school.

So, when I found out this school experience was going to start with a test? I was more than a little apprehensive.

People, she got a perfect score!

She even answered math question on topics we haven't even covered yet.

She didn't freak out, or shut down, she just said she didn't know how to do them. The principal explained the concept and she then turned around and got them all right.

I think she sealed the deal when she off the cuff told him about George Washington's life story on the walk back to find me.

I'm so happy for her. She wanted this so badly, and I wanted it to be a real viable option for her.

She sat down with a strange man, in an office by herself, and took a test on topics we haven't even studied, and not just lived through it, but aced it?!

She amazed me (and herself).

We are both so confident that she can do this, now.

And she is so happy and proud of herself.

The public school had made her feel that she was stupid, and now she's starting to believe that they were wrong.

Awesome

Just got our first post-tornado severe thunderstorm alert for our town.

This is going to be stressful.

On everyone.

Let's hope the tarp really is waterproof.

And that I don't have a nervous breakdown.

They're Not Sleeping; They're Crashing

When we bought our house, Kid got an unusually long bedroom with amazing closets. Partly, because she is a hoarder collector.

When the movers delivered our stuff a lot of it was just placed on the floor to ceiling shelves in one of her closets. And so her closet has been mostly useless as a functioning space, due to the overwhelming project of sorting what all was placed in there and why.

I always wanted to turn that into an amazing built in desk. The simple construction of the shelving, just two boards placed front to back placed on side supports meant we could theoretically knock off the front board leaving book shelf width shelving floor to ceiling and leave one double board shelf as a desk. You follow? Mr F didn't. He always wants to overcomplicated projects, which means they stagnate. It stayed like that for 18 months.

Kid is not so much a hoarder as much as she is sentimental. Having two major moves at so young of an age, meant that a lot of little things carried a tremendous amount of meaning for her, reminding her of certain houses we've had, or friends, schools, etc. Which is all totally appropriate ways of dealing with transition and loss.

So this closet was filled with weird odds and ends, her boxes of stuff she didn't want to let go of, books, curtains that don't work in this house... stuff.

Finally, I convinced Mr F to just try it my way.

That meant we had to clear everything out and sort it. Which made Kid's room impassable. We did find tons of age appropriate books for Baby... bonus... and kind of sad that they are growing up so quickly. So then we carted it all to my room where I thought I'd have more space to sort. Which made my room impassable.

Mr F obsessed over the shelves for a weekend, trying to decide which individual ones were flattest and smoothest for the desk.

Then I went to IKEA and spent $20 on storage boxes.

And my dream came true...


Kid and I sorted all her momentos into specific boxes, one for Ann Arbor, one for Asheville, one for Disney World, one for Brownies, one for greeting cards, a current one she can put stuff in.

It's totally awesome. If she wants to think about Asheville she can get down the box and go through it and then put it back.

There was also plenty of trash mixed in that we sorted through and got rid of last night.

Kid was sitting on my floor reading an airline safety brochure.

"You don't need that." I said.

Yes, I do." Kid replied firmly.

"No, you don't, they have them on every plane." I said, kind of concerned that she might start obsessing about airplane safety.

"Yes, I do, I need my own." Kid said.

"No, you don't, every seat has one." I tried.

"Well, I took this one, so what if someone took the one for my seat." Kid explained.

"Fine." I gave up.

About an hour later Kid comes into the kitchen holdling the pamphlet.

"Why do they tell you how you have to sleep? I mean why do you have to hold your kid in your lap or hold onto the other seat?" Kid asks.



"Um... they're not sleeping." I reply, laughing nervously.

Yay!

Found out our driveway repair will be covered (most likely).

Awesome!

Not awesome that when the adjuster came last Friday, they didn't notice the tree on the house (?!!!?!?!?!). WTF?

Which means it's going to be a while before we can start to get the house rebuilt/repaired.