I Bet You Didn't See This Coming...

On Thursday, I was asked to be the Vice President of the Parent Teacher League.

A two year position with automatic promotion to President during the 2nd year.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

mostly both at the same time.















P.S. I do owe you the letter/principal meeting update (interesting and completely supportive FYI) & the recipes I promised!  I had another eye pain/migraine and then got sidetracked at a fucking MLM "party" for essential oils, a boy has proclaimed his love for Kid (and invited her to go golfing this summer?!  lol), and then the whole PTL thing happened... the week kind of got away from me.  

Behind Closed Doors

The other night while eating dinner, 

I was slightly disgusted at the way Kid was using her knife 

to shovel as much food as possible onto her fork.

"Jeez, what are you a Revolutionary War soldier eating in a tavern?"  

I said by way of reprimand.

Without blinking an eye, 

Kid raised her fist in the air and shouted out...

"Huzzah for George Washington!"

Then broke down into hysterical laughter.

I nearly spit out my food in honor of such

a perfect, well timed, brilliant comeback.

WARNING

This blog has been proven to be dangerously addictive to some readers.  Please be aware that as long as this blog is public, you may feel compelled to read it.

You Know What Is A Shame?

That my kid can't function in society...

Haters Gonna Hate

You know it's funny....  I thought about how controversial my FUCK YOU post would be to some sensitive readers.  Obviously, not everyone swears (although the vast majority do), but I think most people understand that they are said... and upon occasion they are repeated by children.  And if you don't take yourself to seriously, well, it is pretty damn funny when it happens.

Seeing as I hardly ever blog I find it reasonably amazing that anyone still reads it, so I thank you for the audience.  I am blown away that someone who vehemently disagrees with everything I say and do reads it.  But I guess that is a compliment of some sort.  I never did understand that impulse, I just couldn't fill my day looking for that kind of negativity.  

You know what Tony Robbins says... if you are having trouble with a relationship in your life, you should change your participation or change your perception.

So, considering that this is clearly an ongoing and vexing relationship (to you)... maybe stop reading? Mull it over.  Your readership has no effect on my day (especially as I wasn't aware of it), but it seems to really upset yours.  

But I can see the level of hate you feel toward me... it's very similar to how I feel about Adam Lanza... so I get it.  That seems like a perfectly reasonable amount of hate to have toward a stranger that has absolutely nothing to do with and no bearing on you or your life.  

The funny thing is... if you ever saw me and my kids at the park or the grocery store you would have a mad crush on us.  For real.  You don't know a family that is more kind, generous, and loving, with a desire and impulse to serve others and treat people with respect.  You just don't.

Now, I should be clear that I would NEVER let my children communicate in the way you have in these comments.  I'm raising them better than that.  But saying FUCK YOU in the car, by ourselves... yeah... I'm gonna laugh to myself... remind her that that isn't an appropriate word and move on.

Maybe you should, too?

At Least We're Modeling Appropriate Conflict Resolution Skills (Now With Disclaimer!!!)

"Hey we should go up to that guy and say...

'Fuck you!

I hate you!

If you cut down those trees...

I'm going to kill you!'"

Baby exclaimed,

as we drove past a tree service removing a tree

at an abandoned office complex.

Disclaimer:  I'm almost ALWAYS being sarcastic... the only way to misread my posts is to read them literally.  If you don't have a sense of humor and tend to read things as they are written, this isn't a good post for you.  

Conscientious Objector

"If she can't read your email and pick out the main points, why should I have to read this and pick out the main points?"  Kid queries during homework.

Good fucking question.

Letter To The Teacher... Read 'Em & Weep Style (Updated Version)

Dear Teacher,

My heart is heavy as I sit down to write this.  Please know that none of this is said lightly or without much consideration.

After the Civil War test, in February, we had several lengthy discussions.  I thought, that while tense and sometimes frustrating for both of us, we had come to an understanding.  You acknowledged that you have a defensive response when parents come in and challenge a grading question, but that you were willing to work on that.  You said that you were willing to thoughtfully reconsider, not immediately react and dismiss, a request for you to review a question we felt was unfairly graded.  You said that if we felt Ruby's answer showed equal understanding of the topic and was an accurate alternate response to the question, that you would reconsider how you had graded that answer.  Yet, the first opportunity you have had to do so, you chose to respond in the same defensive and dismissive manner as before.  Either you did not mean what you said, or you have forgotten your promise, or you have changed your mind.  We do not bring in Ruby's work to contest her grades every day, or every week, or every month.  There have been a very few number of times when we have felt that your grading of a certain question, due to the ambiguous wording of a test question, was not fair to the students because it was open to interpretation.  In those instances we have felt that it was important to contest those specific questions. 

We show you respect every single day when we send our daughter in to your classroom with her work diligently and thoughtfully completed.  We show you respect when she is well prepared for your tests. We show you respect by having our daughter show you respect in the classroom.

We do not feel that you show us the same level of respect.  This is not about one question or one grade.  This is about the way you communicate with us.  Shushing me, as you did more than once during our conversation about the Civil War test, or asking my husband if he understands the material is condescending and feels disrespectful to us as parents.  Insinuating, and verbalizing, your belief that this is "our" concern and problem, and that you don't believe Ruby is upset about her grades, is overstepping your bounds as her teacher and is inappropriate.  You do not have the knowledge of our family, or of Ruby's feelings and motivations, to pass that kind of judgment on us.  Taking Ruby aside, after our discussions with you, to reiterate why her answer is wrong and yours is in fact correct, after we have come in to challenge that, is undermining our authority as her parents.  I specifically asked you not to do that again, and made it clear that we felt that action was inappropriate.  We are incredibly disappointed that you felt you needed to assert yourself in that way with her again.  She feels uncomfortable and intimidated by you when you do, and is not comfortable standing up for herself.  We do not feel that she needs to, nor do we want her to.  I thought I had made that clear.  Please respect our parenting decisions.  If we come to you to discuss a grading question we are having that discussion with you, not Ruby.

This whole situation has been quite devastating to us as a family.  This has been an incredibly stressful year. I do not believe you have any idea how much stress your academic requirements and communication style have placed on our family and others.  I know of many parents who have given up, or let their year in your classroom go, but that is not our academic standard.  We have shown you the respect of doing our best work, but to do that Ruby has had to give up all free time and extracurriculars, family down time, and sibling play time.  As have we all.  This is not an isolated sacrifice, this disrupts our entire life from 4PM on.  She has easily 2 hours of homework on a typical night and if there is a test she will be studying from the time she gets home until bedtime.  Does that sound right to you? For a fourth grader to put in 5 hours of studying after a full day of school? It doesn't feel right to us.  It doesn't feel appropriate for a 10 year old, and yet I know she is hardly alone in this experience.  When she puts in the time it takes to do well in your class, with your grading standards, it seems only fair and just that you would show her effort and commitment the same level of respect when we come in to question your grading.  I think that is a reasonable request.  I think that is a respectful request.    

This year has been a very sad year for us, because we had looked forward to our daughters having a wonderful, nurturing, academic environment.  We had truly believed that St. Paul would provide that for them.  Despite an absolutely wonderful kindergarten experience, fourth grade has been so emotionally challenging that we are not sure we want to continue on at St. Paul.  It is a shame that this experience has been so unnecessarily trying. 

Why do you feel you need to be so unforgiving in your grading?  And I don't mean the few questions we have challenged... I mean your everyday grading.  You consistently mark off correct math answers for labeling that is not worded exactly the way you want, and we do not contest that. If we did, we'd be at it every single day.  It is defeating to a child, to spend a couple of hours carefully doing her work, to completely understand the topics and have correct answers, and still get those answers knocked down on some kind of technicality.  A technicality that changes every single day. Your expectations are not consistent, or clearly communicated. I read every single lesson, every single chapter of every book, every note in the notebooks, I do extra research online, and I still can't figure out what you are looking for.  How can you expect these children to? What constitutes a correct label in math seems to change at your whim. "Miles/hour" is the correct label one day, whereas "miles in an hour" is considered correct the next. It feels arbitrary, and at no time does it actually assess their mathematical understanding.  

I would really like to know what you feel this type of critical grading is instilling in these children?  What kind of effect do you expect for it to carry over onto their families?  It creates undue stress.  It does not cultivate a love of learning.  It doesn't even cultivate a better understanding of the material.  After 9 months, it has created an apathy in our daughter.  She doesn't even want to try anymore, or come to school in the morning.  What is the point in her putting this time and energy in? What is the point of the daily sacrifice we have had to make to our family time? It is a question we have had to ask ourselves nearly everyday. It is heartbreaking to watch your child study so long that they are mentally and physically exhausted.  It is heartbreaking to contemplate the few childhood hours she has left to play and enjoy her tender age... wasted night after night... for no valid academic reason.  Your academic demands are too high, and ironically don't even accurately measure their academic understanding.  They are higher than what is expected from the fifth grade in this same school.  It doesn't make sense. It isn't necessary. Why would you wish these children to lose any part of the joy they could be having as children?  If 20 spelling words a week is acceptable for fifth grade, why do you demand 25?  

We are paying for an education, and I don't feel that the type of education you are providing has been in Ruby's best interest.  She is learning something in your classroom, but it isn't the material. She is learning that she isn't good enough, that effort and understanding aren't enough.  She is learning that anything less than your particular day's definition of a "perfect" answer is worthless.  You are demanding a level of arbitrary perfection from the kids that is both unreasonable and undefinable. She is learning to hate school.  She is learning that learning itself is rewardless work and not a joy. Why can't learning be joyful in your classroom?  Why can't a correct math question just be left that way without you nitpicking how it is labeled? Why can't you give them that satisfaction?  I really don't understand. Why isn't correct enough?  Why isn't understanding the material the goal? Why aren't you building these children up, instead of tearing them down? I don't know you, and I do not know or understand your motivations.  I believe you are a well meaning woman, but it feels like you sometimes lose sight of the forest for the trees.

When I came in to challenge the Civil War test grade, you accused me of being a perfectionist; you have misjudged my motives. I don't need my daughter to have a perfect score or perfect grades, I care only that she does her best, and I beam with pride at the success she has had despite the hardships of your classroom. She is a truly amazing girl, and it is devastating to see what this year has done to her spirit. We come in, not to raise her grade, but to challenge your grading.  We come in to defend her effort, because she deserves that.  Her effort is, at minimum, worthy of that.   

I don't know where to go from here. This situation has had both my husband and I in tears.  How do we make the best decision for our daughter?  How do we show her respect for the work and sacrifice she has put in this year? How do we respectfully work with someone who has repeatedly shown that they are not interested in seeing someone else's point of view?  If you were in our shoes what would you do?  Would you show your child that even in the face of adversity you should stand up for your beliefs?  When you feel in your heart and mind that your cause is just and right, what would you do?  Would you show your child that no matter how difficult someone is to work with, that you keep trying? That is what we have chosen, but at what cost?  The stress of confronting you, and the disappointment at your continued rigidity and dismissal of our concerns, has created a family stress that is breaking us down.  Fourth grade shouldn't do this to families.  We have known tremendous stress as a family... life threatening childhood epilepsy, repeated eye surgeries, 4 job changes, 3 moves, witnessing an armed robbery, losing loved ones, car accidents, being hit by a tornado... we know stressful life events... and yet, this has been the most stressful year of our lives.  Your academic standards and rigid grading, even for a smart top performing student with parental support, has caused an unbearable amount of stress.  We may be alone in expressing this, but, sadly, I know we are not alone in feeling it. 

I don't know how this letter will be received.  We hope and pray that you are able to read it with an open heart and an open mind.  We have tried our best to work with you, and have tried to communicate openly and clearly with you about our concerns throughout the year.  Disappointingly, it has had no effect. We do not have a set outcome in mind in writing this; the truth is we are just exhausted and heartbroken.  Our only hope is that you might thoughtfully consider how your words and actions are perceived and experienced by others.  The next time we approach you, we pray that you might be willing to show us a little more empathy and a little less defensiveness.  We are just two parents who love our daughters and want what is best for them.

We wish you peace. 

Sincerely,

Mrs & Mr F

P.S. Suck it.

One stupid update, a bunch of depressing ones, followed by one insightful one... You are welcome

#1  I made some really fantastic french toast late Sunday night, and the girls and I have been reaping the rewards ever since.  Last week, I was talking with my friend who asked about our morning routine (because these things are infinitely fascinating, I know) and I said I make my girls a hot breakfast every single school day.  I also make Kid a hot lunch (or reheat one)... so I pretty much stand at the stove for 45 minutes every single morning.  BUT this is how I do it:  I try to take one day and pound out a huge batch of french toast, or muffins, or waffles, etc and freeze them so I can just reheat that portion of breakfast.  Kid has to go 4+ hours until she eats again, so I do try and make a pretty filling balanced breakfast.  I also, don't have to leave the house when they do, so I don't have to take time out to get myself dressed which makes all this possible.  I get up first and then wake up the kids & Mr F.  They have 35 minutes to get dressed and eat and get in the car.  Because they have to leave so early in the AM we try to keep them sleeping until the last minute possible.  My kids do not do any chores or anything like that in the morning.  Their clothes are laid out (we have no time to spare), they get dressed, eat, brush teeth & hair and walk out the door.  All backpacks are checked and stuffed the night before.


#2  Fascinating, right?!!!


#3  I still have terrible migraines.  One reason I don't blog as much, is because I spend about 200 hours a month in intense pain with extreme light sensitivity which makes looking at a computer excruciating.  In the past year my migraines have changed (not for the better!!!) and now involve my eyes for extended periods (days) on either side of the 4 migraines I typically get each month.  My light sensitivity has intensified and now also includes sporadic partial blindness in my left eye (fun!  and yes, they've been checked it is neurological) and just an overall intense eye pressure that is omnipresent during these episodes.  I can no longer drive at night (or even ride in a car at night) without crazy eye pain from my light sensitivity... that is EVERY day.  Typically, any kind of big light disparity (TV in dark room.... to my horror I discovered movie theaters are now out for me... headlights at night... etc) causes excruciating eye pain.  So, yeah, it's a problem.  I have to live with it every day and there isn't anything I can do.  So there is that.


#4  All of this kind of plays into the depression I was mentioning the other day.  Obviously.  It's kind of depressing to have to live with pain all the time.... and when it is your eyes... it is impossible to avoid.  I can't just try to avoid using them or favor one leg over another type solutions... and the worst part is I can't sleep when they hurt.  At all.  Which is not helping with any part of my life.


#5  God, this all sounds terrible.  See? That's why I try not to blog about it.


#6  The really depressing part is that I'm know that it isn't going away until menopause (if I'm lucky) and, people, that's quite a few years off.  That's depressing... let's not think about it.


#7  Plus, the migraines make me act like an angry drunk for about 2 hours before the pain hits... I am usually a very patient parent, and I HATE that I can't control this and that my kids have to witness it.  We all know what is going on, and I always apologize, but it is the worst part of all of this.  I can take the pain, I just can't take that I lose my cool with my kids.  It isn't fair to them... it isn't in keeping with my character and so it is hard and confusing for them when I have such a sudden mood change.  (And, no, I can't help it, or predict it, or stop it)  Unfortunately, due to the timing of my migraines this moodiness is ALWAYS when Mr F is at work, so I can't just excuse myself to my room.  I tend to shame myself over this a lot.  It is hard.


#8  Try to stick to any kind of eating or workout regime with this level of shit going on in your brain.  It has been impossible.  I might have a great day and workout and think "I'm back on this!"  only to wake up the next day completely lethargic and get sidelined by a migraine for 3 days.  It just keeps knocking the wind out of my sails and while, YES, I know if I could stick with it, regular exercise might actually help... try that when your brain is trying to explode your skull and making you dry heave and making you blind in one eye.  It is kind of a deterrent.  So, the slowly converting to fat over the past two years is frustrating and makes me mad at myself but I'm battling something bigger than will power this time around.  I really yearn to be back where I was, physically before we moved here... before the migraines... and I can be very hard on myself (a theme).  I tell myself that I'm just sabotaging myself (and sure that plays a role), but the real deal is, I live with chronic migraines and it is debilitating.


#9  So, long story short.... I do what I need to do:  cook, shop, clean, errand, drive, take Baby to extracurriculars, help with homework, tutor the Korean friend, cram for over the top tests, read to the girls, keep up on current events, pay the taxes, manage the bills, pick out outfits and do hair, stain treat, fight the teacher, take the girls on vacation, pull weeds, never with any help or babysitters (ever)... you know... I do everything I need to.... I just can't also have 15% body fat .... and maybe the thing I need to stop beating myself up about... is that.  You know?  Maybe being middle aged and average weight is good enough.  Why does that one thing mean more than everything else I do manage to do?


#10  So, yeah, the 5:2 fast diet, which was successful while I did it, is over.  I just don't want to exert judgment about my worth based on how well I am losing (or gaining) weight.  I mean I'm functioning... truthfully in many arenas I still over function... despite chronic pain and I'm sick of having one thing I am not doing negate all that.  So fuck you, society.  If I have an extra hour in the morning (which is rare) I need SLEEP (desperately) and I need to not have that be a decision that implies failure.


#11 And now I will take a shower and judge myself for not working out (some habits are hard to break).

Umm... Thanks.

"Mommy,

one time when we were sleeping together,

because I was sick or something,

I thought you were a crazy hobo.

I was like, "Who's that?!?!'"

Furious Tidbits

#1 Mr F's old job FINALLY fired his douche supervisor.  Too bad they waited 3 years to do it.

#2  The major reason I haven't blogged much this year, is... well... I've been extremely unhappy for pretty much the last 12 months.  We're talking pretty seriously depressed. There are a lot of contributing factors... but this vacation has highlighted that this school situation is making me miserable.  It is absolutely killing my spirit.  There is more to life than the kind of life we have to have to do this.  

#3 I really want to buy a dirt cheap, broken down, foreclosed cottage and fix it up... is that so wrong?

#4 Or get an old C Class RV and drive it along the Laura Ingalls route this summer.  

(I could get one for less than next year's tuition!)

We're Alive

Despite a midnight puke fest the night before our departure, we soldiered on. After two days of driving, and the accidental ingestion of a tooth, the girls and I have made it to Williamsburg. So far so good, considering it has been unseasonably cold & Kid has been running a fever and been hotel bound for the last three days.

Long Day

Well, I just finished up a 3 hour marathon tutoring session wherein I tried (sometimes in vain) to explain to Ruby's Korean classmate:

Earth's rotation and revolution

orbit

axis

hemispheres

seasons

apparent motion

the Sun's apparent pathway

eclipses - solar and lunar

the moon (rotation, orbit, make up, why it can't have water, etc.)

phases of the moon

tides

craters

meteoroids (meteors and meteorites)

comets

asteroids and the asteroid belt

gravity

inertia

Copernicus

Newton

NASA

International Space Station

space probes

satellites

all eight planets (make up, moons, atmospheres, etc)

dwarf planets

stars

galaxies

light-years

constellations

telescopes

ALL FOR ONE FUCKING FOURTH GRADE SCIENCE TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mr F came home 2 hours into it and was like "WTF?!  This is ridiculous.  That is an unfair amount of stuff for them to learn for one test."  And I was all "You missed the first 2 hours!"

All the acronyms and such that I can usually use to help Kid memorize things were out the window.  I couldn't even rely on breaking things down into simpler concepts because they would still be in English and therefore not necessarily any easier for her to comprehend.  Baby and I spent a lot of time physically acting out the concepts with a globe, flashlight, balloons, pistachio nuts.

I tried my best, I feel pretty confident that she understood the Earth-Sun-Moon concepts, but once we headed out into Space... I'm not sure she was following anymore. She has failed every Science test this year.  When I found out... I was OUTRAGED that no one was helping her study or learn the concepts.  I'm pretty flabbergasted that any teacher would feel comfortable flat out failing a 9 year old over and over and not make any efforts to set up some kind of learning help (and, ahem, the school is being paid to teach these Korean students and I think it is incredibly irresponsible to take their parents money and not actually provide the teaching that they specifically need while they are here).  I would have done this earlier, but it never occurred to me that there wasn't some kind of tutoring already set up for her.

Baby kept illustrating the concepts and handing them to our friend:

A comet's emotional state as it hurtles by the sun, eventually melting into a pile of ice and dust.  

A lunar eclipse.

On another note, I wish I could find a school (we could afford) that could handle the kind of awesome this little girl dishes out on a daily basis.  

I've Got New Things (and Old) To Recommend

#1  I was listening to Diane Rehm the other day and heard this segment with Dr. Michael Mosley about his diet/longevity research and self experiment.  It's kinda a big deal in the UK.  Well, I'm on board.  The documentary will be airing on PBS in April, but I found a link to it HERE.  Fascinating.  It seems  that this diet is very successful with men, and maybe less so with women (there is not a lot of research) but I'm giving it a go.  I'll report back.  I did one fast day last Thursday and it was completely manageable... especially considering the fact that I was accidentally drinking decaf that day... so there is hope my end of the day bad mood was in part exasperated by the caffeine situation.  Today is my second fast day.  I really think I can do this.  Mr F is going to start soon, in large part for the overall health benefits, which with his family health history and his age, are IMPORTANT.


#2  How had I never heard of The Bath School Disaster.  Not only is this relatively close to where we live, but it is still the country's deadliest school massacre... and it happened in 1927.  Until the Oklahoma City bombing, it was the worst act of domestic terrorism.  I spent most of the weekend researching it.  The perp was a psychopath.  He plotted this act for at least a year and had intended to kill every child in the school and then drive up and take out all of the first responders.  The town had only 300 residents.  One woman lost three children in the school explosion and had two more injured by the car bomb.  I still can't believe that this has been forgotten - or - never known by the majority of us.  HERE is a short book written by a neighbor and first responder a few months after the disaster.


#3  We watched this AWESOME Little House on the Prairie mini-series with the girls this weekend.  Mr F and I watched this years ago when it was on TV, and it is such a great depiction.  We both loved it then, and loved it again.  It isn't sugar coated... and it is nothing like the original TV series.  Our kids are finally old enough to handle the intensity of it and it made for a great weekend.  At one point during the movie one of the girls said "Men had to do all the stuff back then, now women do it."  Hahahahahahahahaha.  I kind of think Mr F and I could have pulled off the whole pioneer, wagon train, homesteading thing.


#4  We got word that Baby did not get into the charter school this year.  I was pretty devastated since as her learning style becomes more apparent I really would like to get her in a more open/creative setting.  The charter school focuses on project based learning and I think that would be such a great fit for her.  No word on Kid... which could mean she did... which only makes this school decision harder!  Although, if Kid does get in, Baby will be bumped up the wait list and there is a remote chance she could still get in for the Fall.  I hope things line up in the next few months and I can make a decision I feel confident in.  I just know we need a situation that has a better life/school balance.  And I'd LOVE to eliminate this commute.  We have to travel on some of the most dangerous sections of highway many times a day... and I don't feel good about that.


#5  St. Patrick's Day happened.  In the late of night Mr F and I pulled this off:

A whole house rainbow leading from their bedrooms to a Pot of Gold (rolos and gold coins).

Lucky Charms and green milk for breakfast... always a hit.  

If there is one parenting tip I can impart it is: STREAMERS.  People, they cost a dollar.  You can get them in every grocery store, dollar store, and discount store.  They instantly make every holiday festive and special and all you need is some scotch tape, a dollar, and a couple of minutes.  I swag them around for birthdays, Valentine's Day... you name a small holiday and streamers will be there for you, people.  My favorite way to make a holiday feel special with just a  little effort (especially on school days) is to tape some up while they are sleeping.  Oh and for birthdays?  Just get a pack of regular blow up yourself balloons (less than 2 dollars) and tie them to your dining room chairs and hang them from your curtain rods.... that plus streams equals party time.  Three dollars, people... and I swear to God it looks fantastic.  Best part is, you can have this stuff on hand and always pull a holiday off with very little notice or effort.  Stock up.  When you are done with your party just roll the streamers back up and USE IT AGAIN.  Oh, I love streamers.  My mom even uses them as ribbon on gifts and it makes big impressive bows.  Go crazy.  

#6  Oh, wait, one more thing!  I forgot to mention that I just booked a trip to Williamsburg, VA for Spring Break with the girls.  We'll be doing the Busch Gardens/Colonial Williamsburg thing for 6 days.  I'm a little nervous about the amusement park since it will just be me and the girls and I don't know what the ride situation will be (can 3 people ride at once?)... so if you have experience/tips please share.  

One Year

This is right before it hit.  The kids were the only ones taking this seriously.  There had been two sirens and they'd been down in our designated safe room for 20 minutes.  

I, of course, was NOT taking it very seriously.  I was upstairs taking pictures of hail when it started to pass over our house.  An instinct came over me and I ran downstairs and held the door of the bathroom closed.  It felt like we were in a washing machine.  There was a sucking force.  And, yes, a freight train sound.  Which, living a couple blocks from the tracks, has been a PTSD trigger for me nearly 

every. single. night.

I don't have words for what happened or what was said or how I felt when it hit our house.  

I just have a strong wave of anxiety.  It was terrifying and without knowing we were in a tornado... I knew.  It was a weird knowing and unlike any other feeling I've had.  

When I thought it might be over I went upstairs.  I still didn't really know what happened.  It was like a dream state of shock.  This is the first thing I saw out the windows.  All the trees I could see were either uprooted or shorn off.  We are talking about massive 3-4 foot diameter 100+ foot tall trees.   

I think I started hyperventilating.

This is what I could see out of the windows on the other side of the house.  At this point I became terrified that we weren't safe inside the house, that more trees might fall, or there might be one on the house. I was also scared about our gas line.

These are all our yard.  It looked like a giant game of pick up sticks.  I was terrified to be outside and terrified to stay inside.  It was a nightmare.

It was an extremely traumatic event. The actual tornado, but also everything that happened afterwards.  The fighting with insurance and contractors... still, one year later, is something I don't think anyone expects.  And the energy for that after having been traumatized emotionally is almost impossible to summon.  My worry about the unpredictability and strength of mother nature is intense.  There are no simple thunderstorms for me anymore.  I'm very worried about the spring.  

Update (also known as stuff you probably aren't interested in)

Hmm, this past week was a mixed bag.  As per the norm I have had a very hard time adjusting to the time change.  Damn, my body just can't ever handle it.  Fall or Spring.  I do love me some DST and actually would prefer that they just make that permanent, having the light in the evenings is a HUGE mood booster.... I just can't handle the actual time change.  It takes me about a week or so to adjust.

We went up to The Cougar's house this weekend to pick up some things.  I was very worried that going back would be hard emotionally, but it still felt comfortable. She had such a great family house, it's a shame that we won't have that to bring our family together anymore.

I took the kids to the bouncy house again on Friday.  I wish I had thought of this a long time ago.  It's the best detoxifier ever.  Again, it really stretched our weekend.  Remember in the beginning of the school year when we went out to eat on Mondays and Fridays to help the school week feel less overwhelming?  Well, we stopped soon after I wrote that, because A) the homework load was too big to be able to eat out, and B) we got sick of that routine.  But, it was helpful to have that routine while we adjusted.  Point?  That I think we are going through another rough time, and establishing a routine of things to look forward to helps immensely.  Right now, going straight from school to the bouncy house on Friday afternoons, and then going out to eat, and watching a movie before bed makes our weekend feel like a 3 day weekend.  And we need that.  Because our weeks feel like 10 day weeks.

Kid had another sleepover with her remaining Korean friend. We all really like her, she has a great personality.  I am very worried about how this is going to play out, though, when she leaves.  We took her out to a Korean restaurant, so that our girls could familiarize themselves more with her culture.  Everyone loved it.  When we got home they Skyped their other friend who went back to Korea.  There are the obvious hardships with this, but I am so thankful that Kid has had this experience.  It's been an amazing learning opportunity.

We still have no idea what we'll do school-wise next year.  There is hope that next year will be drastically better with the 5th grade teacher where they are... but... we don't know.  This year has been part torture.  I was happy to hear that a dad went into Kid's teacher last week and angrily asked "What's up with the college level spelling words?!"  At least I know we really aren't the only ones who are so frustrated.  (P.S. Kid would want you to know that she is the only one in the class that scored an A+ on that spelling test.... if anything comes from this it is that we have learned how to study... I just wish we didn't have to learn that at age 10 at the expense of any downtime).

We are a couple days from the one year tornado anniversary.  Spring worries me... a lot.  The kids were out playing and then came rushing back in when they thought they saw a bank of clouds on the horizon.  I think this will be a hard couple of months.  I had some extreme PTSD for several months, and while that feels better, I think that might be in large part because it has been winter.  We'll see.  I expect this year will be the hardest and hopefully it'll get easier for us to get through as time goes by.  And, no, our repairs are still not all finished!  We actually just got a bill from the disaster contractors... and I won't get into that nightmare... except to say... yeah, we don't owe YOU anything.

Speaking of tornadoes the Red Cross has a new Tornado app that you should immediately install on your cell phones & tablets.  It is free.  It has a built in siren that will go off in the event of a tornado warning, which is so important if you are not in an area that has sirens, or if you might not hear it where you are.  Go get it!  If you live in the US you need it.  Especially if you live between the Rockies and the Appalachian Mountains.

Yesterday, Baby broke down and sobbed and sobbed and said she wished she wasn't alive, that she doesn't like her life.  Um, yeah, I pretty much wanted to kill myself.  Things are hard for her right now, she feels a big divide between her interests and Kid's as Kid matures and it leaves Baby feeling heart broken and lonely.    Oh, so sad.  We all had a good cry over that when I told Mr F and Kid about it.  Baby is going to make a list of things she likes to do with each of us, and when she is feeling lonely and left out she can pick one thing and we will make sure one of us is available to do that with her.  I hope that helps!  I think being the baby of a family is hard and it is easy to feel left behind.  She also has a very busy nature and needs a lot of stimulation and company... a characteristic that is not natural to Kid, Mr F, or myself.  With Baby it is not ever enough, and that can be frustrating for all of us.  Even if I throw her a luncheon tea party, or let her give me a makeover (which I wore out in public!), or let her set up a restaurant in our kitchen (at dinner time on a school night!) as soon as that is over she needs more.  There is no downtime.  But we need to work harder at recognizing that and helping her find more ways to fill up her time.  As I said to Mr F, she's only going to need us in this way for a couple more years.  I also think, she is ready for a full day of school... of course, that has to wait until the Fall.    Anyone else go through something like this?  Age related or temperament?  I kind of think a bit of both.  It definitely makes me feel sad, and question my parenting, because I am with her the majority of her day and it isn't enough to make her feel fulfilled.  She is so creative and gifted and has a huge imagination... and all of her ideas and plans are big and elaborate and inconvenient.  You know?  I just can't always help her pull them off on a school day.  If you follow our Facebook you KNOW that we have a full life and do a lot of fun stuff together while Kid is at school.... everyday.  I have to keep reminding myself that I really do do stuff with her, because I have a natural tendency to beat myself up.  I wish I knew how to make her happier.  I hope this is age related moodiness.  The thought did occur to me.... great... we've got one with anxiety and now the other with depression (and I suspect ADD)... the one two three genetic punch!

Speaking of ADD... Mr F left the garage door open the other night.  I set the alarm. I woke up in the middle of the night having a heart attack.  I try not to let the ADD bother me too much anymore... but... yeah, I was pissed.  Close the fucking door!

That's it.

Except this:

Just Keep Swimming

#1 Kid has suddenly become gigantic.  She's grown 4 inches and gained 10 pounds in the last six months.  I looked at her last week and realized none of her clothes fit.  At all.  She wears the same size shoe I do... and.... is now wearing a training bra.  Whoa.  It's on like Donkey Kong around here.  Thank God she is our first one to hit puberty.  She is so comfortable with herself and her body that it blows my mind.  She is totally honest and forthcoming with no ounce of trepidation about anything.  She jokes about her armpit odor.  She tells me the current count on armpit hairs (still single digits).  She has zits.  It's so crazy.  But I'm so thankful, since she is one of the oldest girls in her class and she isn't self conscious about puberty (not in a negative way, at least).  

#2  Baby had "Daddy Day" at school.  The theme was "crosses".  Of course.  They made 5 different crosses out of different mediums.  Baby promptly decorated our house.  If you came to our house right now, you'd think we were the most devout people you'd ever met. Oh, the irony.

#3  Last week was super bad on a many levels.
A) I had to kick Kid's teacher's ass.  Which I did... politely.  The woman actually shushed me... and I didn't punch her in the face!
I was just overhearing a mother at gymnastics talking about finally switching her son to another teacher... and how it just wasn't a good fit and now he's thriving.  And I really wished that we had that option, but with only one class per grade we don't.  The woman needs to retire. Immediately.  And I've had TONS of confirmation that this isn't just a personality clash (although that isn't helping)... our problem with her is not unique.
B) Work was very stressful for Mr F for two weeks running, and he was barely able to even come home last week.  He was incredibly disheartened... it was kind of depressing.  It also stirred up the whole... are we here for good or not issue... which makes us all a little tense.  Especially after just buying a new furnace, fridge, and dishwasher!  No one supports their spouses career more than I do (for real) but it can be hard to feel like you have no idea what direction that will ultimately take you.  Obviously, it is unsettling, and effects all the other decisions I have to make.  But I'd rather be supporting someone's ambition than stifling them... I just think ultimately that has the bigger impact on our lives.  Even though sometimes I do get overwhelmed (trust me).
Just a bad week with no real reprieve for any of us.  SO, on Friday after I picked up the girls I took them to one of those big bounce house places.  I'm so glad I did.  It really changed Kid's mood around and started our weekend off with a bang.  This one thing made our whole weekend feel longer and like we really "did something".  Which was good cause Mr F didn't make it home until late Friday night anyway.  I think I'm going to rinse and repeat this one.

#4  I stumbled upon Baby attempting to sketch this king:

Seeing as she just turned 6, this kind of blew me away.

#5  And I just started our taxes.  Pray for me.

Oh My God

Things are never dull around here.

 That's pretty much the long and short of it.

 Except, you should know that I successfully confronted Kid's teacher
(some extreme IBS may have been involved)

AND after two pretty hard core *discussions*...

 she actually apologized to Kid.

 And that is a triumph.

 A TRIUMPH, I tell you!

 On other fronts?

 Yeah, I don't know what is going to happen.

 On... pretty much... EVERY other front.

 But, I do know this...

if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

 Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

 You can only get what you want if you ask for it.

So, don't stand in your own way.

You know?

Well, I'm Here And I Guess That Is Something

#1 Truth be told I'm still trying to get back on my feet.  The flu and then the sinus infection then the bad reaction to the antibiotic made a combined 17 days of hell.  I mean, seriously, it was a very hard time and went on so long that, whether it makes logical sense or not, you start to question if you can get better.  I am.  So there is that.  I am also just exhausted which I have heard is typical for the aftermath of this particular flu strain.


#2 Kid's teacher pissed Mr F and I off so royally, that I wrote a song about her burning in Hell for all eternity.  I'd get into it but it makes my blood pressure rise.  Just know that she marked something wrong on a test that is factually correct. (which she couldn't deny but still dug her heels in and refused to change the grade siting something bogus which was complete BS... the teacher doesn't understand the material enough to accept an answer written in a complete sentence... just trust me... I thought  I was going to go HULK my veins were throbbing so hard)  When we sent it back she actually said "Oh, yeah, she was one of the one's that told me all about it."  Uh, what?!  Don't we give kids that know all about the subject extra credit not mark it wrong because it was too thorough of an answer?!  I just want to kill that woman!!!!  And, P. fucking S. if you want a one word answer make it fill in the blank, if you leave 3 blank lines to fill then you'll need to be able to read and process a complete sentence or two.  WTF?!


#3  I took the cats to the vet several times the past couple of weeks.  Once because Big Boy had a cold and I wouldn't have been concerned until I googled "cats with colds" and then I had to pony up the big bucks.  Then they each had their physicals.  Yes, I know this is not interesting.  What was interesting is how different their personalities are which was evidenced by how they reacted to the exam room.

Tiger:

"I don't think they can see me here"

Big Boy:

 

"Welcome to my room"

Interestingly while Tiger was skittish and fearful, he complied with everything.  Big Boy was exceedingly friendly and giving them hugs, but he is so big that even the vet and vet tech were intimidated by him and they gave up trying to get a temp or take blood when he wasn't having it.  They just kept saying "Wow, he really is a big cat."  He's so bossy he thinks he rules the world.  He's also obsessed with butter.  

#4 For Valentine's Day I managed to pull off the cutest freaking Valentine's of all time!  These were little gift bags that are decorated with heads & limbs & accessories that I picked up at Target.  They were a bit pricey for how many we needed to buy.... but... please, they were so cute.  We definitely had the coolest Valentine's at school.  For real.  

Baby's Class:

Kid's class girls:

Kid's class boys:

Kid was officially the coolest girl in her class when she gave these to the boys.  

They actually thanked her.  It was big.

(It only took us 79 hours to make them)

#5  I made this beef stroganoff this week.  It was FANTASTIC.  I changed it a wee bit.  I used a bit of butter & olive oil to sear my steak instead of cooking spray.  I added a splash of Sherry in with the mushrooms to deglaze the pan and some dried thyme (because it just rocks with mushrooms).  I used sweet (not hot) paprika and omitted the parsley and green onions because I didn't have those on hand.... and it definitely didn't need it.

I really like this My Recipes site. I had a lot of time while I was sick to check it out.  I think there is more useful stuff on here then I get from the emeals plan I paid for and never use.  I like that you can get a whole month of recipes, there are tons of archives, and the quick and easy dinners really are quick(ish)... and that they are from good reputable sources like Cooking Light.  I'm into it.  I'm going to try the Salmon Croquettes this weekend.



#6 Baby left this by the hair brush this morning.

Apparently, I've been putting the rubber bands up too high on her braids.  

I stand corrected.

#7  My Dad wrote a confession for some of his more heinous wrong doings which ultimately had destroyed any chance I had at a stable home life.  A confession which changes everything and completely rewrites my understanding of my life.  Sounds dramatic!  It was... sadly.  Anywho, I was shocked and greatly upset not only by the revelation but by the complete lack of empathy shown in this "apology" which was more of a narcissistic pity party for himself having had to face consequences for his choices.  He never once acknowledged that WE ALL faced consequences for his choices.  It was hard to read.  But it was also a gift.  Because now I can divorce him without guilt or remorse (something I've wanted to do for YEARS).  He has crossed lines that cannot be uncrossed.  And the truth is, this secret was the missing piece of the puzzle for me.  It explained why I have had the feelings I've had towards him.  Suffice it to say, he has never brought anything positive to my life (literally, ever) and is an incredibly toxic person.  While, I'm sure it wasn't his intent (although I don't really know what his intent was) in this instance the truth has set me free.  I was not able to protect myself from him as a child, but thankfully I am able to do so now.  This is a big deal, but I have to say I feel lighter than I have in years.

Which leads me to a pretty big breakthrough... some of you who may have been raised to believe you aren't worth anything, that you don't deserve anything... will maybe get this.  I have spent so much time trying to get this man to finally approve of me, to like me... and I, now, can sit back and say "I don't like you, I don't approve of you... I don't choose YOU."  That is incredibly cathartic.  He used to be my inner negative voice (I would literally attack myself with what I thought he'd say about my life choices) and without that, maybe I can start to enjoy my life?  Learn to let myself feel deserving of something more than hardship.  I'm allowed to have a good life, and to be happy.  I don't need to earn it.  And I don't need to hold myself back from it because I feel I'm unworthy.  He was wrong about me.

There are a lot of ways this will effect me/us and one is that we are not going to adopt... more on that later... but mostly, this:  I don't need to save everyone in order to be a good enough person, to justify what I have.  My life was hard and sad growing up, and I deserve to have a peaceful life and to give that to my children, now that I can.  Our family balance is good and healthy and I need to protect that for them and myself.  I'm a good enough person even if I don't sacrifice our stability for someone else.... that is big for me... and hard... but I also think it is true.

So let that sink in.

Spilt Milk

Have you ever had a grocery bag break tossing your gallon of milk out onto the floor?

The 3 foot fall splitting open the gallon jug, hemorrhaging milk all over your kitchen?

It is a horrifying thing to behold.