Friday, May 16, 2008
Feeling Better Than Ever... Seriously
This whole situation has actually brought to light, and completely illustrated for me (and for the readership), precisely why I have difficulty fitting into Mr F's family. Mr F and I had been certain that his mother was not reading the blog. We were, it turns out, wrong. I think there has been a pervasive feeling amongst his family that we did know and were writing things to be hurtful. That is not the case... and is in direct opposition to how I handle both my feelings and my relationships. In fact upon learning this morning that she had been reading I immediately wrote her a letter to address it.
His family holds the opinion that this blog is damaging, or could be damaging if it went on "unchecked", to our already fragile relationship. I don't agree. The thing that is damaging to the relationship is the complete and utter lack of direct communication. If you were reading it, and upset by it, it would have taken one conversation, which I would have willingly had, to explain the situation. And if that happened maybe the relationship would have been able to correct itself or improve in that area.
If I wrote something that was upsetting to my own mother she would either find a place for that feeling, discuss it with me, or in the unlikely case that she were so upset that she discussed it with my siblings they would have called me themselves to let me know. We communicate. Sometimes that means things are said you don't want to hear and that can be difficult, or uncomfortable, or infuriating. Sometimes you have to air those feelings in order to make room for a new way to perceive each other. We may have more drama and conflict but we also have a deeper closeness because of it. Even if my brother and I weren't speaking he's the first person (and was) to speed to the hospital to sit by my side as we watched vigil over Kid that terrible day and night. Conflict does not erase or negate love. In fact I find it is usually a sign of a desire for a deeper connection. And if you have the patience and insight to work through the differences you may come out closer than you ever were.
Having said that I highly doubt that will be the outcome. I highly doubt I will receive a response to the letter I wrote... as I have never received any response to my past attempts. And I'm okay with that. It has been nearly ten years. The relationship isn't better or worse. It, as Mr F so eloquently put it, "withers on the vine". The fact that she has been reading is her choice and I can't be responsible for her decision or how she has chosen to handle that decision.
So it's out there. It crashed and burned... and you know what? We all survived. And I feel lighter for it. So they've been reading. So they've been judging me. I'm not going to die or even be embarrassed about it. It was unfortunate, and not what I had intended, but maybe there is room here to grow. If this is rock bottom in the relationship it isn't that bad. I can sit here. And knowing where we stand, and what is what, and who has and hasn't been reading, is no longer a looming cloud. It is what it is. I am who I am. And I'm comfortable with that.