Sunday, May 11, 2008

Weekend Update


Okay I'm back

37 comments:

Torey said...

Totally rude. And totally uncalled for.
Sorry they squashed your Mother's Day.

Good for Mr. F for getting you a new memory card! He totally wins an award!

Mrs Furious said...

Thank you Torey...
I really thought it was rude! Especially his mom... she wasn't even really watching and yet she too refused to come to the table and stood there waiting with him. Ugh!

There gone now. :)

Julie said...

How uncomfortable. Wow. I would have been seething.

But golf is riveting:) Totally just kidding.

Nutmeg said...

Um.

Ew.

That is all.

Oh. Happy Mother's day!

(ew at the rudeness that is.)

Mrs Furious said...

This is why I love you guys!

It was so horrible that I actually almost set up my camera to videotape it. Damn it I totally wish I had... that would have been hilarious.

Kiki said...

Rude and a little passive aggressive don't you think Mrs. F??? I was a psych major, so some of it is stuck in my retail mind...anyway, it was rude and I think you were completely wonderful to go as far as you did, making them a meal when it your day is way above and beyond!!!! Oh and Mr.F rocks for getting you that memory card, I am so looking forward to lots more video, I love them!!!

What am I doing up at 2:31 a.m you may ask....oh, Jon and Kate marathon, totally on right now, so I'm pretty much watching that and trying to get some work done. New goods roll into stores tomorrow and we have a lot to do. Also, those khakis that you love went further to markdown today, you could pick up another color. I noticed the cashmere cardigan made an appearance on the video tonight-love it!!!

I might be delirious...sorry for the long note, 'night!

Jennifer said...

Being a sports fanatic myself, I understand the need to want to watch a game. HOWEVER, never never never would I even contemplate telling the wonderful soul that cooked me dinner that I would be there in a minute! Family member or not. Especially if I was visiting their home!

Just plain bad manners.

Gigs said...

We are neither TV nor sports fanatics, so that would definitely bother me. It's really the whole "this is your quality time with your grandchildren" thing that would make me the craziest. Sorry that happened!

hicktowndiva said...

Mrs. F-
I have felt myself nodding in sympathy while reading your various "the-inlaws-are-coming-and-I'm-stressing" posts. I have had a lot of similar times where I expected a certain level of behaviour from my own relations and my in-laws, and even though I KNOW in my rational mind that I'm likely to be disappointed by them, I still get worked up over it.

As for the golf thing...that is absolutely something my own father, my father-in-law or my husband's now-deceased step-father would have done. That generation of men, unless they have had a woman telling them how it is...just do whatever they want. It is like the agenda of other people does not occur to them. Obviously, Mr. Furious will not be watching sports when one of your girls sets food on the table, because you would have had him out of that chair so fast his head would have spun. Nor would Mr. Hicktowndiva, because it is my job to (figuratively) slap some manners into him and it has been for 11 years. But women of our parents age are sometimes deferential in a way that we aren't. My mom has never told my father what to do, not one time, even when he was being a complete social retard. She would get agitated, she knew it bothered me, but she would.not.do.it. Nor would my MIL, nor will Mr. Hicktowndiva's step-MIL. I really think it's a generational thing, they have not internalized what we consider normal liberated woman's thinking. And many men (not all, but many) are quite happy being king of Castle Clueless...sounds like your FIL is one.

So, yeah, totally rude behavior. Does your FIL think he was being rude on any level? I'm thinking he honestly had no clue. You MIL probably could tell that it was bothering you, but if she's not in the habit of telling her spouse to get his head out of his ass...and it's really not her responsibility, but honestly, men of that generation just do not get it. I think that (with exceptions, certainly) there's a pervasive sense of male entitlement in men of a certain age. All I can say is that Mr. F is certainly doing better than his dad and your daughters will likely marry men who have more of a clue.

Mr Furious said...

Ugh. Night. Mare.

First. There is no excuse for that crap, just straight up bad manners. I'm going to try to offer the other perspective, but only for clinical reasons, not because I support it.

One. I don't think my parents expected to eat again. They are weirdos like that, who at times live like they are in a retirement home and only eat two meals a day. But that only really applies to my dad and his golf coma. I think my mom was more aware of what was going on...(ie: Mrs F in the kitchen.)

[sidebar] Speaking of Mrs F in the kitchen. Let it be said that I was going to make the dinner, etc but she insisted on getting out of there and going to the store (can't blame her) and then upon her return, threw me out of the kitchen. This is an issue with us—at times when she won't delegate work.

Anyway. Back to the golf and the larger problem...

Yes, my dad is one of those freaks who watches golf on tv. But this was NOT the MAsters or something (that I know of) and he was honestly not that invested in it. My mom was under some freaking temporary insanity and suddenly was standing in there as if she had a thousand bucks riding on the last hole.

WTF? This is a whole other issue regarding the two of them...

So, hints aplenty were dropped that "dinner was almost ready," "dinner is ready," "Kid come to the table," "dinner is on the table"... There was a "this is the last hole, We'll be in in a minute" thrown in there at one point, to which I should clearly have responded to by smashing the television with a bat.

I decided (wrongly) to let it stretch until the last possible moment in the hopes that it would end before I, and Mrs F, actually began to eat. Right as I was about to sit down, I walked in and said (somewhat passive-aggressively, but clearly pissed), "What is going on? How many guys are playing the 'last hole'? Dinner is ready."

I left and sat at the table. We could hear some muffled conversation in the other room, and moments later they sat at the table.

I THEN should have gone in the other room and smashed the television.

There may have been some kind of power struggle underneath all of that, but I actually think it's mostly just my dad being a 53-inch-television-at-home-watching, self-absorbed, my-mom-and-anyone-else-would-wait-for golf-to-end-at-his-house clueless dolt.

--

This is the crux of the problem. In my parents house, the dynamic is clearly "man in charge" almost to a ridiculous degree. In OUR house, the opposite is true, and I don't think my dad and Mrs F have EVER been able to get beyond that.

Throw in the communication issues, the social-retardation, the class separation, and awkwardness due to infrequency of interaction and these visits always unravel at some point.

It just blows for Mrs F that this happened on Mother's Day weekend.

It will be made up to her, people.

Mr Furious said...

Hicktowndiva knows what I'm talkin' about...

Mrs Furious said...

Hicktown Diva,
With my FIL you hit the nail on the head. He rules the roost and my MIL would not EVER tell him anything. EVER. And it is absolutely the major stress between me and them. They are uncomfortable with my wearing the pants and I'm infuriated at the way he treats her.
The added bonus is that Mr F was always intimidated by him so he still chooses not to push him just out of habit.
And I do believe his mom stood in there watching not because she wanted to (and I would like to think she was aware of what was going on) but out of deference to him... to legitimize what he was doing. I get that... but like you say I'm from a different generation and it is hard to even watch that.

Mrs Furious said...

Gigs,
It is the grandkid element that is so disappointing to me. I had really close relationships with my g'parents and it is so sad to see them squander that.
Our relationship actually didn't get tense until we had Kid... then it went downhill fast!
You don't want to know your son? That's one thing... you want to ignore your g'kids during your 2 day visit? That's another.

Mr Furious said...

Gigs, get ready to spend some time with the Furiouses in June, because we are clearly not going to want to be hanging at my parents that whole time we're in town...

A hike up to Heublein? A Happy Hour? A massive cocaine binge? Waterboarding? Anything...

Mrs Furious said...

Mr F,
"Let it be said that I was going to make the dinner, etc but she insisted on getting out of there and going to the store (can't blame her) and then upon her return, threw me out of the kitchen. "

Let's be clear that if I let you cook dinner (and shop for it) then I would have been seen as a spoiled brat/bitch who doesn't do anything around the house while my manservant does everything.

You know it is true.



But it should also be noted that your Dad is happy for your sister's to be in charge of their households.

And I will fall over dead before I make my baby wait to eat until 7:30 to eat dinner.
They are always amazed that our kid's don't cry... um... that is because we are actually meeting their needs (first).

Mr Furious said...

a spoiled brat/bitch who doesn't do anything around the house while my manservant does everything.

What, afraid of letting the truth out?

Mrs Furious said...

Kiki,
you know I can't get enough J&K +8 ;)


Jennifer,
I'm happy to get the sports fanatic's back up. You were raised right!

Mr Furious said...

a spoiled brat/bitch who doesn't do anything around the house while my manservant does everything.

I'd like to think that it being Mother's Day would have explained that, but I'm not so sure that would have gotten through.

Mr Furious said...

There's much more "Behind the Scenes" maybe Mrs F'll let me do a guest post or something.

She did a vid with me last night, but I don't think it came across very well. I might be better suited to the written word than the on-camera interview.

Mrs Furious said...

Mr F,
jeez... slow day at the office?! ;)

feel free to write your post. It could be fascinating.
But first use your free time to do that letter for Kid's school.

Andrea said...

Happy Belated Mothers Day, how rude with the whole dinner television deal, its crazy my inlaws are the opposite of yours my mother on the other hand is well I cant think of a nice thing to say right now!

Mr Furious said...

jeez... slow day at the office?! ;)

LOL! No. Not at all. But that just poured out, it didn't take long...

Julie said...

Mr F and Mrs F,
You guys crack me up! Keep it coming...the banter is hilarious. Man servant, love it.

I totally understand what both of you are saying, too. totally get it.

Gigs said...

Mr F - you got it. It would be our privilege to hang with you all!

lucinda said...

From the visiting mother/mother-in-law point of view:
Very rude because it was so preventable. Nothing wrong with: From FIL, Can supper be after 7:00 because there is an exciting whatever that I'd like to watch the end of?
or
From MIL,I'll bet the kids will be hungry. I'll fix us all something while FIL watches X.
Actually neither of those does it for me because hey if you're a guest, suck it up, it's mother's day.

lucinda said...

P.S. And although David would happily and cluelessly watch golf through any number of social obligations, if I said dinner is ready he'd be at the table with the tv off in minutes. Not because I rule the roost or wear the pants or any other misogynist phrase but because he appreciates what I do. It's not that they were rude but unbearably disrepectful.

Marilyn said...

I agree that it was rude. I also think it was a power play by your FIL. But... I have to say that if they were really great with your kids, and you got along with them otherwise, this probably wouldn't be a big deal. It'd be a quirky golf/male thing that you could put up with. But the fact that they're not considerate in general and aren't really into the kids, makes it very frustrating. I completely understand. You must have been so happy to have the house to yourselves again!

Mrs Furious said...

Marliyn,
yes.. if I felt that they were close with the kids (or even Mr F) and took the time to get to know them, or show interest in them I'd be willing to let a lot more go. Once you are already at the end of your rope everything puts you over the edge ;)


Mom,
I actually wouldn't have had a problem if the golf game had been announced and I could have said "oh okay well I'll feed the kids and we can all eat later... or we're going to go ahead you can help yourself when you are ready."
I might have been annoyed that the golf was more important than the last 2 hours spent with us... but at least it wouldn't have been disrespectful.

Haley said...

I'm sorry you had such a craptastic weekend, lady. Here's hoping all those crazy endorphins you'll be pumping out this week will erase the memories...

P.O.M. said...

I totally agree with you!

We just had a very similar situation this weekend at my grandparents house. My MOTHER (who acts like a toddler sometimes) wanted to watch TV and have the TV on the entire weekend. But the grandparents and I are NOT TV watchers. We like to sit around and chat, read or play games or do anything BUT watch TV. When did TV become such an important part of peoples lives? I think it is disguesting. A TV show is NOT real. It is something to do when there is nothing else to do. My mother would prefer to watch tv than to do anything else. So why the hell does she even bother to leave her "house?" Just stay in your fucking trailor park and watch your fucking tv shows.

Wow, I just totally vented. Sorry.

Mrs Furious said...

P.O.M.,
Vent away... you know that doesn't bother me any! In fact it helps make me feel a little more normal ;)

Deb said...

I love the bit about "they don't know it only took 15 minutes". LOL!!

I come from a family of sports fanatics, and it is one of the reasons I have divorced my family. This is totally the kind of crap they would pull. Mr. F's parents sound exactly like mine, and it is sooo painful.

Can I borrow your balls, Mrs. F? I really, really need to blog about the absurdity of my family, but can't do it on my blog, because I don't want to hurt my mom's feelings. I need a pair.

Mrs Furious said...

Deb,
well... I'm a little bit of a risk taker in this department I guess. I really wish that I had not ever given my family/friends/Mr F's family the blog info... but back then I didn't know I'd have any readers and I didn't really know the course of the blog.
But here is the deal: my family has fucked up... all of them at some point. They know, I know, it's been discussed, worked on but I am not the "forgive & forget" type... they know that too. I also have decided re:my family that I own my history and I'm sorry if they wish they hadn't done what they have done but that is for them to deal with and I'm not hiding it "out of respect" or some such thing. I don't believe in that.
For Mr F obviously trickier. Fortunately my beef with his parents is considerably less loaded. When I found out they might be reading (might) I did hyperventilate for a bit... since I don't want to make it worse... but then I thought... honestly it doesn't matter. I see them maybe 8 days a year. Maybe. They don't actually know me. Have never tried to know me. Are never going to know me. Will this actually make a difference? And maybe, maybe, they could see where I am coming from (unlikely but still). It isn't that I just "don't like" them... it is that they don't get me.
So I'm not sure it is balls, or indifference, or a pathetic need for external validation that drives this ship ... sometimes all three...

How's that for long answer to a rhetorical question?

Gigs said...

Here would be my question: do you see the ILs have better relationships with other people? Are they close to any of your BILs or SILs? I mean, is it just you and your family that they treat this way, or is it just a lack of relationship skills in general? If that is the case, maybe it could be taken less personally and you might feel a bit better. Although my ILs "like" me and would never disrespect me, they definitely don't "get" me, and truly are not capable of doing so. They don't even think that way. They have superficial knowledge of what's going on with us, but they really don't know how to digest or deal with anything deeper. I feel sad for them. It's a weird way to go through life.

Deb said...

Actually, it was a perfect answer. You just made me realize I have too much invested (still!) in my mom to bitch openly about my brother or mock my conversations with her about her anal leakage. I need more indifference.

Now my IL's... them I could be indifferent about. :)

Whew. I don't need balls. I need distance. Thanks!

Mrs Furious said...

Gigs,
I think it is a little of both. They clearly like me least. We did have an intervention with them and his mom admitted that they don't really "know" anybody. And like you I just felt sad for them. I just can't imagine being that emotionally guarded.
But I think I am probably the most difficult person they have had to deal with in that I kind of demand dealing with... at some point I reach my breaking point and I have been known to have some things to say ;)
But to illustrate your point I had this discussion with his mom:
"So any word on whether E (her daughter) is going to try and have another baby soon?"
"Oh I wouldn't ask... I mean if they were having problems I wouldn't want to ask... you know?" she replied.
And I just wanted to say "no... I don't know."
But instead I just said nothing. Because of course I think that being able to talk about your life (whole complete life) with your mom is kind of a desirable relationship to foster.

Mr Furious said...

Here's my take on the blog and my family...

Two of my sisters read. And comment. Not as regularly as some of you, but it's a pretty safe bet that they'll see this. It will probably make them uncomfortable, and I'm sorry about that, but they'll live. They can acknowledge all of this is true and own up to it, or pretend everything is perfectly normal and not think about it—it's what we were all trained to do.

My mom may or may not have ever read the blog. I have a feeling she might have read it last year briefly but I honestly cannot see her being interested in anything that takes place here at all, (actual emotions and opinions, etc) so I'd be shocked if she ever came back.

There's a natural reaction from me to ask Mrs F to stifle this whole topic, but I say "Fuck it."

First, it's her blog, and she shouldn't have to censor herself to protect my family—they are adults.

Second, this shit needs to be said.

Third, if my mom surreptitiously reads the blog and never mentions it to us, well, she gets what she gets. This isn't talking behind their back—we've tried to have a dialogue about all of this stuff with them, and it was to no avail.

Hell, it could be a helpful wake-up call! But more likely it would be quickly suppressed.

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