Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The Great Douche Bag Incident of '04

While I think I'm pretty funny, and you might think I'm pretty funny, there are at least two people I know for sure don't think I'm funny. That is why I didn't want Mr F's parents to read my blog... or the kid's blogs. And part of why their visits can be stressful.

This became perfectly clear during the "Douche Bag" incident of '04.

At some point right before Kid's 2nd birthday we were walking down the street on our way to meet some friends. Kid at this point was amazingly verbal but she would still say something that you didn't quite understand. On this day she said something that sounded exactly like "douche bag". Now surely she wasn't... and even considering our sometimes colorful language "douche bag" is pretty old school and wasn't exactly part of our everyday vernacular.

Now every parenting book on the planet will tell you to ignore this type of behavior... but I really couldn't resist... so I asked her to repeat herself and when she said it again I fell to the ground in hysterics.

Then I did the number one thing you shouldn't do. I told her to say "douche bag" to our friend when we met up. Our friend was sufficiently scandalized/amused. I was pleased with my little old school swearing baby monkey. We went home and I told her to call Mr F a "douche bag". Mr F, of course, thought this was hilarious. For the next two weeks we would prompt her to greet the other parent with "douche bag". It was all fun and games there for a while...until...

A month or two later I was visiting my in-laws with Kid. Mr F was flying in later to meet us. Kid and I were out to eat with Mr F's parents. At this point Kid had stopped saying "douche bag" for a good month and a half. It was cute, if not adorably crude, while it lasted but she was over it. Or so I thought.

While at dinner I asked Kid, innocently, what she was going to say to Daddy when we picked him up at the airport. Kid matter of factly replied "douche bag". I snickered... somewhat shocked. Mr F's parents looked at each other and his dad asked "What did she say?". Now if I had been thinking on my toes I would have said "I don't know" or "hmmm... trash bag?". Instead I said "She's said what you think she said." To which my father in law replied "douche bag?". And I just said "yes".

Now if you were an outsider looking in this would have been one of the funniest conversations of all time. And in the moment I could appreciate that... but they could not. And really what could I say?... Oh I don't know why she says that?... I just let it go and didn't explain it. It was horrifically awkward to say the least.

In contrast while visiting my own father shortly there after... Kid's use of "douche bag" momentarily re-ignited... she busted it out in reference to the trash bag sleds he had rigged up for us... thinking she had finally discovered what a douche bag really was. My dad had a really good laugh over that one. And when I explained to him how we had coached her he had a little twinkle in his eye. You see the apple does not fall far from the tree.
Well I guess unless Mr F is the apple...

24 comments:

Mr Furious said...

Oh, God. I forgot about the specifics of that story...

And, yes, that shit is funny.

Andrea said...

tahts funny, hubby keeps telling baby, boys are assholes youll be my girl forever well I lovingly called him a butthole last week and she said no hes an asshole I laughed so hard.
He hasnt made mention of boys being assholes since!

Robin said...

That is funny! I agree that a two year old saying douche bag is really funny. And you are right, I probably would have done the same.

Julie said...

the funniest thing ever.

what's not so funny even though the kid thought he was being funny:

having my 8 year old yell out to me from the car "move your ass, woman" while i was over at the mailbox. wtf, where on earth did he hear that? trust me, my husband does NOT say that to me.

Then the kicker, he denied he said it when i walked over to the car, stunned and actually wanting to laugh because it was so absurd.

of course, the only thing I did address was that he was NOT to call me "woman."

i guess at least he did not call me a douche bag:)

love andrea's little story, too!

Marie said...

So funny!!! My (then) 2 1/2 yr old pulled out this while sitting on the potty and dh walked in:
"GET OUT! I'm trying to take a FUCKING poop!!". I'm not sure what was funnier...her swearing, or the fact that she stopped at using the F-bomb and proceeded with the word poop rather than shit.

What else can you do but laugh??

Julie said...

oh, marie, that is hilarious!

Mrs Furious said...

marie,
LMAO over here. That is hilarious!



Andrea,
yep that'll teach him.
Kid has been known to call Mr F a moron... I don't know where she got that one ;)

shelley said...

So funny!

Okay, my story. When Delaney was 2 my husband got a new truck - Delaney couldn't say her T's so she told everyone in the grocery store that "Daddy got a new fuck" - Oh really? So funny.

Now she calls people idiots while we are driving - hmmn...

Deb said...

OMG... I am CRYING over these stories. Douche bag is so old-school cool.

Good for you for keeping your IL's away from the blogs. I made the mistake of telling my family about the blog, and now I can't blog about how my mom buried my dad in the backyard and other hysterical stories like that without making her cry. *eye roll*

Mrs Furious said...

Shelley,
"Daddy got a new fuck "
oh that is a good one...


Deb,
I said I didn't want them to read it. My SIL called yesterday to say sometimes her mom does. I hyperventilated for awhile... but then I decided to write this... hmm...


must know about the backyard burial!

Heather said...

Hey is your email screwed up? Just sent you something -- I'm filing another complaint with the post office.

Andrea said...

These are so funny I love that "Move your ass, woman!" and Marie's two year old with the Fbomb (which I LMAO about) precisely why I gave up that word before baby came along. Ive heard way too many stories about that word.

Torey said...

Haha. . .in my husband's household while growing up, they didn't call each other names. . .it was against the rules. He reminds of this often and says it's our rule too. To which I usually reply:

"oh Guppy, we don't call names in our house, but if we DID, I would call DaDa an asshat" *or something equally rude/hilarious* Please tell me that this will be something he repeats. . .PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. . .it would be too funny for words.

And sometimes Dada is an asshat. It's just a fact.

Mrs Furious said...

Torey,
coming to baby class?

Heather said...

Ps This is hilarious! My nephew used to say FUCKIT if we asked him to say Forklift. It was awesome. We had him do it all the time.

Torey said...

Mrs. F- What time is class? is it 6-7 or 5:30?

Mrs Furious said...

T,
6-7

Amy said...

It takes a lot to make me laugh out loud, but damnit, that did it.

Kiki said...

I think its freaking funny.... but since my family practically had an intervention when my sisters had kids; regarding my unfortunate overuse of colorful language I have had a serious reduction in cursing. Wouldn't you know it though, my niece Olivia couldn't say the "f" sound sooooo "goldfish" came out "goldbitch", ahhhh sweet revenge!!!

Mrs Furious said...

Kiki,
"goldbitch" is pretty funny.



Amy,
I'm happy to oblige ;)

emmyjw said...

That is freaking hilarious.

Staci said...

Since we are sharing...

When my oldest was little he used to say whore for horse and would tell anyone who would listen that his Grandma got a new whore!

Priceless.

Even Grandma got a chuckle out of it. :)

shelley said...

Evil thought...but is Baby talking yet? You should teach her to say it for their next visit.

Mrs Furious said...

Shelley,
LOL... I thought of it ;)
but no she's still in the "sit sit" "shoe shoe" phase...

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