Monday, August 25, 2008

I've Finally Done It... The Official In Law Update

That's Just The Beginning...
Oh Shoot My Battery Died! There's More...


Julie said...

I am so happy that I was able to watch the videos now at this ungodly hour (why oh why am i staying up so late these days?!) as it would not have been easy to do that tomorrow with the kids.

That said, holy mother?! Though I do not have the same situation at all as you do with the inlaws, there are aspects that are similar. There is always the assumption that it is ME when we don't partake in whatever it is that they want us to do or anything that does not fit in with the MIL's plan. It must be so frustrating for you (and Mr F, too) to have the family not "get it" have a skewed and incorrect reality of the situation. It gets to the point that it is just not worth trying to be understood. Sad, but true. Some people are just not at all self-aware (like my mom...sometimes talking to her makes me feel like I am going I am just making shit up or something.)

Okay, it is 1:35 am, why am I not in bed? I am still going to have to be up at the crack of dawn with the kids (well, at least one of them). I feel like I have been craving alone time. My mom had her own little room where she would write when I was a kid growing up. I thought it was so unmotherly and strange as I got older. Now that I am a mom, I get it. I'm not going to set up a separate space for myself (nor do I have the space for it), but I do get it. My children are going back to school next week. I will miss them and the carefree days we have gotten to spend this summer, but I am craving the schedule and the alone time at a more reasonable time during the day.

Okay, I better start my own blog already. I have totally hijacked your blog once again, Mrs F.

Bottom line, this situation of yours is crazy crazy crazy. Shocked that they would show up unannounced while you were up north. Crazy. It's like this is festering on their part to be a bigger deal than if everyone would just be open and talk about what's going on or about one's feelings. We have a bit of that with Tom's family at a much less intense level. Still, I am always the crazy one because I like to talk it out.

Julie said...

to have a skewed and incorrect reality of the situation. I don't mean you guys obviously:)

Anonymous said...

It sounds like they were trying to have an "intervention" with your husband! If I didn't question their character before, I certainly would now.

I wonder what they thought they would accomplish--turning your husband against you? I mean...what was the point?! Makes me speculate about the future--will they try to talk badly about you to your children? (this is my paranoia showing through, LOL).

I think you're doing the right thing!

Heather said...

Gawd. I knew it was bad, but not that bad. What could their possible desired outcome of the intervention be -- splitting up your family? I mean, it's insane. Of course Mr. F has changed since he's 20, it's called growing up.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this whole thing. I hear you on finding out people are reading (ahem, my in-laws) and not wanting them to. The strange thing is his father is constantly providing "anonymous" comments (for what reason???) so I'm not sure if I'm supposed to know that they're reading? I mean, it would be easier for everyone to just admit it at this point; it's stressful trying to pretend that they don't know or haven't read -- just on a fundamental how are you doing basis... I have to repeat or boil down everything. Arggghhh.

I wonder if POM feels the same way (i.e. overexposed) about her dating tribulations and blog feedback. I don't know what the solution is blog-wise -- starting a new one seems like too much effort.

But in regards to the in-law situ I do know that you're doing the right thing for your family -- seriously.

PS Julie -- right there with the staying up late. Pregnancy insomnia is the meanest thing in the world.

G in Berlin said...

I am sorry- I have a new computer and no matter how loud I make the volume, I can't hear you. I hope I can try again- or does anyone have advice for Mac increasing volume beside volume control?

Marilyn said...

This reminds me of my relationship with my ex in-laws. I tried really hard to please them until one day I had a revelation -- I had all the power -- I didn't need them; they needed me. It was a total shift in my thinking and behavior, and it brought about immediate change.

I know this is painful, but I think you're taking the right approach to leave it in Mr. F's hands. I hope he stays in touch with them, though, because one day they'll be gone, and he will miss them. sigh. Why are families so hard?

Rebecca said...

I agree that you're taking the right approach with Mr. F being responsible to cards/gifts. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. You have every right to feel violated and that they're doing things behind your back. Thank You God, that Mr. F. stood up to them while you were gone.

I'm sure you're prepared that this may only be the tip of the iceberg.

But hey, coming from someone that hasn't talked to one sister in 2 years - it's wasn't a nice conversation - and another sister in 15 years (and those are the only sisters I have) You know what I'd do. IMHO it would be better for kid and baby to have no contact with grandparents than to be putting up with stuff like that.

Rebecca said...

And to the grandparents that just read my above comment -

Please consider what damage you are doing to your son ( and grandchildren) by reacting to his wife that way. Do you want a civil relationship or don't you? The ball is in your court.

Staci said...

REBECCA~I completely agree with you.

Mrs. F~I HAD a VERY similar in-law situation. EVERYTHING was my fault or turned against me. Anything good or healthy they seen in my boys or husband was clearly their doing. :P

Everyone's situation is a bit different and for us a complete and total shut off from Mr. S's family was what we needed to do.
It's been 8 years and they have been the best 8 years of our 17 year relationship. :)

I do wish it was different for Mr. S and our boys. But, MR. S decided (YES...he has a brain of his own and he uses it!--shocker to the in-laws I'm sure.) that the relationship his parents had with our boys was just not right and that they would be mentally healthier without it.

I really wish you all peace and happiness...with or without the extended family. :)

Mrs Furious said...

the whole assumption about me doing/not doing (ie puppet mastering) everything makes me crazy. There is just no way to get them to see the real situation. No matter what Mr F said they'd just shoot down EVERY response other than it all being my fault.

I tend to stay up later than I should... I think it's the peace and quiet.

Seriously! I am baffled... would they have really rather Mr F and I got divorced?! Then they'd never see the kids. I honestly think they thought if I wasn't around to "control" him he'd be able to finally confess how terrible I am.

anon is your father in law!?! I was wondering.
"it's stressful trying to pretend that they don't know or haven't read -- just on a fundamental how are you doing basis"
exactly... it would have been easier if they had just been open about it in the beginning... would have saved us all a lot of grief too.

G in Berlin,
You know I have a heard time getting my volume to go up on my MacBook.

I hope that they can all (Mr F included) see what they do and what is missing now that I'm stepping out of the middle. I know Mr F gets it but I can only hope that they get the message that I'm not standing between them I'm just not going to play the dutiful daughter in law anymore... clearly wasn't working for me anyway ;)

The craziest part is that they just don't get that what they did then (read the blog in secret) and then what they did now (have an intervention) is inappropriate. Seriously... they don't see that side of it at ALL... and it's maddening!
And if it were up to me we'd just move on w/o further contact. Sometimes space is in order. But I'm just letting Mr F do (or not do) what he'd like.

Mrs Furious said...

Before Mr F called them I was actually more at peace than I'd ever been... knowing we weren't going to communicate took so much pressure off no more "1f/when/how's it going to go" stuff looming over my head. Only time will tell how this is going to turn out...

Amy said...

I'm sorry that you and your husband have to deal with this tension and heartache. My grandparents once gave my Dad an "intervention" like this. It was very cruel and childish on their part - my father was very hurt.

Staci said...

I understand. I had many sleepless nights thinking of every possible encounter.

I was even "lucky" enough to have a face to face run in with them at Meijer. I was alone with DS9 who was 1 at the time. They were SCREAMING at me in the store telling me "I would get mine" :P They even wished a HORRIBLE DIL (like myself) on me when my boys get married. Very mature, huh?

I was also deemed the "puppet master" in our situation. So they thought and still think. Whatever.

I can't let them suck me into their twisted mind games. It's not healthy for me or my family.

It has been a very peaceful 8 years. Mr. S & I are closer than I think we could have ever been with them interfering in our lives (we live 5-7 minutes from each other...yes, still).

I have learned one thing from them and all we've been through. I will be a KICK ASS MIL! :)
Any woman who loves my son(s) & treats them with respect will get my full love and support. :)

Okay...enough about me. :P Sorry to vent about my situation. Just wanted you to know you are NOT alone in this. :)

If you need a friend or just want to chat you can email me anytime. :)

Have a great LAST DAY of summer break with the girls! :)

emmyjw said...

Wow. I can't believe they would actually try to stage a so called intervention when they knew you were gone. CRAZY. Like you said, do they think it would be positive to split up a family? Hard to imagine the logic there. Sorry you have to deal with that kind of crap from people who should support your family.

Dana said...

Your inlaws should be ashamed of themselves. I'm sure they are reading the comments and I hope they see that they are behaving like children.

I find it more disrespectful that they didn't have the balls to confront you directly (instead they go to your husband?). Doesn't sound like they ever planed to wipe the slate clean.

It sounds like they had reservations about you from the start and I don't understand why. You are a great wife and mother, navigating through a new town. Not many women have the courage to do that. Your children and husband are happy. Sounds like they are projecting personal issues onto you because it's easier than facing their own problems.

Heather said...

Re: my FIL being anon -- yes. I'm positive it was him on the Stevia comments a few weeks ago and I thought the comments were obnoxious so I responded any way I would if someone were anonymous. I don't know if the recent vaccine ones were from him, but I'd say it's likely.

Staci and Mrs. F -- my MIL had a terrible experience with her in-laws, and now kicks ass. I'm sure you guys will too.

Mrs Furious said...

I'm actually trying to clean the house (yes one month after moving in!) and I'll be back...

But I wanted to thank everyone for their supportive comments. That is exactly why it has been killing me not posting about this! I am heartened to see that people see my side of the issue. It is really hard to sit here and not be able to defend myself to them or get them to understand my point of view... so thank you :)

Nann said...

You are all that and a bag of chips. Chin up!

Shirls said...

I can't see the videos but I get the gist of it from the comments. I too have MIL troubles, I wish it wasn't such a universal problem, my hubby is at the point of cutting her out, I argue trying to keep her involved at a very far distance but involved and we don't have kids..

add that to the mix and I just don't understand, as a grandparent don't you naturally want your grandbabies raised by two loving caring parents or do you want them to be tossed from home to home and have the very real possibility of a very unstable childhood? I just don't get it.

and for you noisy, snoopy in-laws reading this, cause I have no doubt you are, seriously back the f*ck off, they are not your children, your child is grown and has left your nest, let it go, trust that you did right and let him be, he can make his own choices, raise his own family, support and love a caring woman, those are his choices to make not yours.

Jenny O. said...

As I was listening to your video I remembered something I heard Dr. Phil saying on his show last night ( not a big Dr. Phil fan, but I think it's applicable.) He was discussing feuding family members and said that sometimes, a relationship just needs a hero. Someone to step up and say, 'I'm sorry you were hurt. Let's just resolve to move on from here and be the best we can be.' He added some words about not judging each other and just accepting differences, but you get the idea, that sometimes it just takes one person to stand up and say "Enough. I'm sorry, you're sorry. Let's try to move on."
I imagine that it would be very difficult to be that hero, because it would be hard to let go of the hurtful things that have been said, but I hope that can happen for the sake of your family's relationship with the inlaws.

Robin said...

Wow, that is crazy! I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with all that. I can't imagine why they think you are so horrible. We all think you are great. :)

Mrs Furious said...

You know I really don't know... I think they really saw me as an "interloper". I think they were used to Mr F being a certain way and maybe I allowed him the room to be a different way and that made them uncomfortable. Maybe it's just that my family has more money ;)

Jenny O,
I was fairly close to being able to do that before the "intervention" went down. Now knowing how much they actually dislike me I'm not motivated to be that big of a person.

OY I can't imagine having that stained of a relationship and living so close... nightmare. Although it actually sounds like things are going pretty well under the current circumstances.
Do you think you'll/ Mr S will ever have contact with them again?

hmm... makes me think I might really like your mom ;)

"Sounds like they are projecting personal issues onto you because it's easier than facing their own problems."
word ;)

It's a fascinating relationship (more so if I were not involved) and I'm not sure I'll ever know why it is so strained or why they are so uncomfortable around me. At this point it just perpetuates itself and it's a no win situation.

I know! I could NOT believe that they just drove down here. Shocking. Of course I'm sure they don't see why that would be overstepping their boundaries.

If we didn't have kids I'd just walk away completely at this point. Mr F could have what kind of relationship he wanted but I'd be done. Of course I have to walk the fine line of not letting my feelings affect the kids. At this point I'm hoping just to be as removed as possible.... hope they do not visit (can't imagine they would) and when the kids are older Mr F can take them to visit w/o me... or I could stay at a spa nearby ;)

thanks :)

Thanks again everyone for the support & nice comments.

Oh one thing I forgot in the videos is that they feel that my portrayal of them was intentionally exaggerated and/or out and out lies. To this I can just say "of course you do".

I do not have the time or energy to make up stories about my inlaws. I wish that were true because it would imply things really aren't that bad. But if it were true why would this have bothered them so much?

Dear In laws,
Could it not be that you have never taken the time to view the situation or your part in the relationship through someone else's eyes. could it not be true that you didn't like what you saw? I'm not perfect and I don't think there is a day on this blog where I have ever pretended that was the case. But boy I did not set you up to fail (apparently that whole not coming to dinner thing was a trap) you failed on your own. I have never once lied about or exaggerated anything on here. What would be the point? My point of view may be different than yours but it is my point of view and not any less valid or true. Until there is some kind of discussion that allows for there to be fault on more than one side of the fence and for more than one party to be labeled as "rude" or "disrespectful" of the other the slate is absolutely not "clean".
I'm sure addressing this on the blog is disrespectful... but you know what else is disrespectful? Not returning my email and showing up at my house to "discuss" me behind my back.

Staci said...

Well said Mrs. F! :)

On our situation~It is weird living so freakishly close but thankfully we have NEVER run into them. Very weird since we live in a one stop light town! :P

I used to worry when the boys started school that they would try to go up to the school and take them. Thankfully they aren't that insane. ;P

I've also told Mr. S that he can have a relationship with them anytime he would like. The boys and I will not.
Also, to protect the boys we decided that when they are 16 (and have their own transportation) they can reach out to them if they want.

The thing is...neither one of the boys remembers them at all. Our oldest was 3 and the youngest 1.

Until a few years ago they thought MY parents were also Mr. S's parents. We set them straight. LOL!

Over all they really haven't lacked for Grandparents. I still had all of my Grandparents at the time (now 3) So they get a lot of Great Grandpa & Grandma time...along with time with my parents. Truly it's been the healthier route for us.

I hope you find that peace soon too. :)

PS~Have fun Saturday!

Kid Art said...

Good god. I cannot believe that these people would be so petty/crazy - I'm still stunned that they drove down to NC to stage an intervention. I'm at a loss for words.

Logziella said...

I don't feel so alone now. My in-laws are not quite as bad but close. I'm sure they "think" all the same things about me but we have what I call "the silent war" going on. Where we all just go thru the motions of what a good strong family would do..i.e. show up on holidays and birthday etc. but there really is no strength there. They have zero idea whats going on in our family nor do they care...they only care when it might make them look bad. The difference is my in-laws won't actually "say" those things but their actions say enough. They will never ever actually talk to me about it.

So...I said all that to say I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this! Once again, I've been there...and I wish so much that I could just not pay any mind to it...but that's just about impossible. Just when I make headway...something new happens.

What is it with this generation of grandparents anyway? Do you know how many people I talk to with similiar circumstances and also them not wanting to be grandparents to their son's children...their own flesh and blood! It's too sickeningly (is that a word?) common these days!

And I agree that we'll all make incredible MIL's someday!!

P.S.-this is Teresa (one of your new readers) says Logziella but that is my old blog that was yes shut down due to "inlaw invasion"! I realized it said Logziella after I typed all this and I didnt' want to type it all again. :0)

Dinah Soar said...

If your in-laws were reasonable people, then what Jenny O said would make perfect sense...but...if your in-laws are unreasonable, there is no reasoning with them and--as I discovered a long time ago--you can't reason with a fool, so don't waste your time.

I'd be firm, set boundaries, and try to maintain respectfulness if possible, because they are Mr. F's parents...even if it's only token.

But--if their behavior doesn't display a spirit of cooperation and acceptance that the situation requires them to take some responsibility for the discord, then I'd be inclined to disengage from them..if you can't fix them---and you can't...and they can't fix themselves..then it is a total loss and there's nothing that remains to be done short of prayer and Providence.

Anonymous said...

Dude. Really? I believe that you live your intentions. Not to sound all Oprah...but please. Sneaking around your blog and gathering ammo... I struggled for years with my MIL and then had to foster a sit down between MIL and husband as he defended me and my fam. I live with the intention of treating others as I wish to be treated along with just being a girl trying to get through the day. I get a pretty good read on your intentions...what do you think your MIL's intention is? Bringing people together. Finding some common ground and accepting responsibility for half of your relationship? Ah, No. Trust your gut. Your kids will be old enough to make their own judgements some day. And make sure that you aren't seeking their would be nice to have but like I said before, I'm blog friend with you because you are honest and sensitive and funny and a great mom. Hang in there.

Kiki said...

While my relationship with my in laws is loving at best, and tenuous at worst...I hate what they call me to my face, "Fancy". Because I wear heels to get burgers, I wear a dress to run to the store, my purse matches my outfit...normally I take pride in the way I look, I thik it shows that I respect myself and you enough to take the time to do things like that...but they see it as me trying to be better than them...competition. Its exhausting, all the mental dancing...I'm tired and my inlaws are not nearly as underhanded as yours.

You are truly an amazing mom, a dedicated wife with a husband who clearly adores you and children who know you would go to the ends of the earth for them...and I got all that just from reading your blog....I can't believe they don't know what they are missing!!!

Mrs Furious said...

" we have what I call "the silent war" going on"
I'm sorry. I do know what that is like.
And I agree about this generation of grandparents. I too have seen a LOT of families where there is little g'parent contact. It's sad. I had/do have great relationships with my grandparents. But you have to respect your kids and their spouses to foster that kind of closeness. No grandkid is going to want to be close with people who don't like their own parents for crying out loud!

Dinah Soar,
You are right. I did spend the first several years trying to get them to open up and the truth is that they won't and I can't change that no matter how hard I might try. I wish I didn't care what they thought of me... but even that is getting easier to bear the more I can sit with my choices and knowing that I know my own motivations.

Out of Hand,
"I'm blog friend with you because you are honest and sensitive and funny and a great mom"
Aw thank you :) That is very nice of you to say.
And yes I'm getting much better at disengaging from what they think of me and trusting that I know who I am and what my intentions are.

"Fancy"?! That is rude! But you should wear it as a badge of honor.
And once again thank you for all the compliments! Your mom certainly raised you girls right! :)

inkelywinkely said...

i am so sorry you are going through this, and i can say i am going through nearly the exact situation. If you remember my email, hit me up, and we can talk about it. It is hard.


Blog Widget by LinkWithin