Low Standards

"Ooh Mom! They have a mirror!" Kid yells enthusiastically upon entering our hotel room.

"Yes!" I call back sarcastically, lugging our bags and pillows through the hall like an overwhelmed octopus.

Berry Berry Scawy

Tomorrow all my connections to the outside world are shutting down.

We're hitting the road to Philly to hang out with my Dad and visit with my grandmother.

The plan is to take a break for a week (If you count the fact that I have four long days of driving "a break")

Then come back and pack some stuff. Mow. Then leave.... for.... ?! Who knows?

I have lined up a bi-weekly lawn job ($35.... deal!)

And I have just disconnected our phone, tv, and.... gasp... internet for tomorrow.

And I've packed enough clothes to last for a month.

So...

Maybe we'll come back and maybe we won't.

Only time.... and a tenuous internet connection... will tell.

For Real

"Hey Mom, Do you wish the statue helped sell our house AND kept it from falling apart?" Kid asks.

"Yep."

So Someone Explain To Me...

How I got peed on in the night AND DIDN'T NOTICE?!

Sure I was taking a shower in my dream...

But, you'd think lying in a pool of cold piss would wake a person up.

It wasn't until Baby said something that I woke up to answer her.... and even then.... I didn't notice the bed was sopping wet.

It wasn't until I put my hand down to roll toward her that I realized there was a huge puddle of pee soaking into my mattress.

So I hurriedly stripped the bed.

Phew, it hadn't penetrated the egg crate...so... the mattress has been saved!

And I run it all into the laundry room.

I get the load started.

Then I look down and realized my shirt is completely soaked with pee.

WTF?

How did I not feel that?

So I take it off and stop the machine.

But, of course, the stupid thing won't let me unlock the door.

I walk to the bathroom and find an old shirt.

Put it on.

Wash out my night shirt.

Then I realize...

My underwear is soaked.

My entire side is wet and sticky with pee.

I couldn't believe it.... I started to wonder...

IF I PEED?!

No, Thank God.

But still.

I wasn't even drinking last night.

Got Scissors?

I happen to have a pile of old basic long sleeved shirts I got at Target when I was nursing Baby. Read: they are ridonkulously shapeless on me now, so they just sit in my dresser.

Take basic long sleeved shirt:

Cut off the bottom hem.

Cut up the middle of front of shirt.

Just eye ball it! It is jersey it will roll! No problem!

Cut sleeves to desired length so they will roll too. (And so it looks intentional and not like you just cut up a shirt.)

My shirt had a crew neck collar. I just trimmed off the ribbed fabric but left the stitching around the neck opening.
You could cut it off. It doesn't matter!

Okay!


Put on the cheap outfit you bought at Target because it was 90 out and you don't have any tank tops or shorts that fit. Elastic waists are in! yay!

Then throw on your new cardigan so you don't feel so trashy at the grocery store!

If you are the kind of person who can pull off the tied up look you can do that too:

Of course I am not that kind of person, so I do beg your forgiveness for exposing you to that.

Alright, have at it.

White shirt... I'm coming for you.

Gah

I'm hitting one of my walls.
Could be all the end of the school year crap.
Or the waiting all day for the air conditioner repair man.
Or the check I wrote him.
Or the slight sadness at selling off all the kids outside play stuff.
Or the more than slight annoyance at waiting all day for people to come pick it all up that then didn't show.
But do now have my address.
And will come murder me tonight.
Or it could be the fact that all I've eaten today is cereal, hot tamales, & chex mix.
And coffee.
It might be 85% that.

I Don't Know How I Managed To Pull This Off Either

This is the last week of school, folks! And with that also comes the subtle pressure to say farewell with some sort of meaning.
And by meaning I mean cold hard cash (as requested... yes... people... as requested) and thoughtful homemade gifts (because that's what is right).
What else?

For Kid's teacher, whom I've never learned to like, I made a small little jewelry case. It is padded with felt between two layers of the print fabric. The inside has three elasticized flannel pockets to hold a few pieces, and it ties shut with the ribbon. Honor me people, because this was a lot of work for someone I don't actually like! I bought a pair of earrings at Cost Plus World Market for $5 and Kid put them in the pockets.

And, yes, Kid's misspelling of her name makes the gift for me. I just read that as "To Belch" and start laughing my ass off.

For her assistant teacher, a kindly, loving, grandmotherly storyteller, Kid made a pillow. She drew Ruth telling a story with Kid imagining it. Kid loves Ruth and I'm thinking this might make Ruth cry.


At Kid's school there is only one class per grade, so they have been together for the past two years. Kid worked on assembling friendship gifts to give her friends as goodbye presents. This year she and her class are The Dolphins so we ordered a set of sea animal Silly Bandz and tied them onto little cards.

Step One

Pray for us, people.
We haven't *self moved* in... oh... 15 or so years.
Let's hope Mr F and I are still married by the end of the day.
Seriously.
Seriously.

If this mini-move goes well we will be attempting Step Two sometime this summer.
Step two will involve a 26 foot U-haul truck.
Driven by the bald guy.
Yowza.
Try not to think about it.
Oh, and, stay off the roads.

Good Morning To You Too

This morning I stumbled out of bed in my underwear racing to get the phone.

Kid trailed behind me.

"Only one layer to hair!" She cries out enthusiastically.

"What?" I reply confused.

"Only one layer to hair!" She repeats staring right at my underwear.

"Oh... GOD." I say cringing.

Kid cackles.

I cry inside.

Bitch Fest Friday

I'm feeling kind of stressed out and pushed to my limits today. I had to have words with our realtor whose slogan "Keeping It Simple" turns out to mean: Keeping it simple for him, not us. As in not responding to my emails or replacing our painfully empty flier box. That kind of thing can piss you off when you are going to pay 30K in realty fees.

On top of that mini drama I had to make 36 mini pineapple upside down cakes for Kid's Ocean Feast today.
She's also had the shits for two straight days worrying about her line in the presentation today. So that's been fun for everyone. She was two hours late to school yesterday because she couldn't get off the pot.

So even though it is the aforementioned Bitch Fest Friday post let's try and focus on the positives shall we? There are so many ;)....

Today is MY LAST day watching the toddler! That's good.

This weekend Mr F is coming down. That's good.

Next week Kid has school on Tuesday & Friday. That's annoying... but then she's out of school. That's good.

Next week is also my last week of sitting. That's good (although I'll miss the baby terribly).

And then hopefully someone will come and want to buy our house. That would be great.

Either way I made it. At the end of next week I will have made it to my goal of getting Kid through the end of her school year. I'll have made it through 3 months of single parenting. And then I have some options. They might not be ideal, and might involve me driving all around the country with two kids, but I won't have to clean my house every day, get up at the crack of dawn to watch other people's kids for $7/hour, and I won't be mowing my lawn in the blazing heat 3 days a week. So I have all that to look forward to. Oh... and... adult companionship.

And That's Why 7 Year Olds Don't Write Parenting Books

"Please just lie down and try not to do anything annoying." I ask Kid as she climbs into bed for her book time.

"Your sister has already made me so mad that I'm kind of in a bad mood." I explain feeling apologetic.

"I know!... and that hardly ever happens." Kid remarks.

"Well, I try not to let it." I say smiling.

"But, tonight when I threw that towel, it was because I wanted to slap her." I confide.

"Next time you should slap her." Kid says enthusiastically, a sly smile creeping across her face.

So Get This

The people in here today want to make an offer...

FOR SIXTY THOUSAND LESS THAN ASKING PRICE.

Um... no thanks.

A Departure Post

aka Things I'm Kind Of Loving For The New House (should we get it):

This headboard for me please:

And since that is never going to happen, how about this fabric to slipcover my current headboard:

I think it will look really nice with my grey bed linens which are new and not going anywhere.

This fabric for the girls' room drapes:
I love the girls' current room and we're keeping just about everything the same that we can. I think that fabric is going to look fantastic with the wall color, the black beds, and their canopies. I think I'll also maybe get them THIS bedding sets to finally unify the beds (maybe... I'm not sure... I need to see this in person... it will hide puke stains well though)

This wallpaper for the sunroom/music room off the living room:
See it here There is only one full wall in that room so it would a good place to experiment with wallpaper... so don't worry it won't overwhelm the space.

Home

(bathing suits)

Kid is doing well. The virus did not ravage her the way it did Baby. She still smells of nail polish remover (ketones) and is hardly eating. I'm extremely tired. Maybe the drive. Maybe I'm fighting their virus off. Either way I dropped Kid off to school still in my PJs and that is the first time ever!

I called the showing schedulers and changed my one hour notice to a two hour notice. I need to get some control over the madness that has been the last couple of weeks. Maybe if I take better care of myself better things will come of it? We've had daily showings (please not today)... but still no offer. Frustrating. I just want to move on.

Two more weeks left of school (kind of... next week is a whacky and annoying Tuesday & Friday only...wtf?).

Two more weeks of babysitting.

And then what?

Sleep for one.

Really hoping we get an offer before then (please) so we can have a solid plan to work towards.

Maybe we'll hear some good news on the Michigan house this week.

I need to leave soon. It feels like I'm watching something die... slowly.

Mr F is trying to come down for the long weekend. Maybe we'll get a Uhaul and start loading some things for him to drive back up.

I also probably need to hire someone to come help me pack and sort.

We'll see.

How You Can Tell It's My Life

Remember how we were all playing at the beach yesterday?
Everything seemed so nice.
Like it was going better.

Well, what you don't know is that was a 2 hour window when Baby seemed better.

Before that my day started with Baby puking. Then hustling to get the house ready for a morning showing and our trip to visit Kiki at the beach.

I loaded the car with puke supplies:

and we hoped for the best.

Baby didn't ever puke but she was clearly not doing well. She was running a fever and uncomfortable. I fretted and wondered what would be better turning around and handling it all alone in Asheville, or making it to Myrtle Beach and having someone to entertain Kid while I tended to Baby.

I chose the later.

We made it and she perked up. She seemed revived by the beach.

I thought we had made it through the worst.

But then she was moody and irritable and a little feverish that night.

Of course, this is the first trip I've ever taken without my trusted thermometer and tylenol (seriously).

By this morning she was scarily listless and nodding off in a weird coma like state that she couldn't/wouldn't be woken from.

She hadn't peed in over 24 hours and was obviously severely dehydrated.

She finally woke up and came to the table.

Her heart was racing, her hands were shaking, and I was starting to freak the fuck out.

I think I stayed fairly calm on the outside.

She sat down and drank and drank and drank (5 cups back to back).

I was hopeful.

But then she nodded back off and wouldn't stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time.

I got a thermometer and some tylenol and motrin.

No fever.

Still no pee.

Still coma sleeping:

We went to the beach so Kid could play with Kiki (don't worry we were closer to the hospital):

I stripped Baby down and sprinkled water on her body and let the wind keep her cooled. And let her sleep.

I watched her breathing (not strained).

I took her temperature (still broken).

I let her be.

Several hours later it started to rain.

We lugged everything up from the beach.

Baby woke up and seemed better.

Kid gets in the car.

And says:

"My tummy hurts."

It starts over again.

P.S. Baby finally peed (horray! No trip to the ER for her... phew... that was a close one).

P.P.S. If you were thinking that Kid's puke-fest on Tuesday was actually a virus that Baby ended up getting... like I thought... we were both wrong. That was one of her isolated incidents. Today... this.... gallon of strawberry puke (for real, I cannot believe someone's stomach could hold so much) THIS is the virus that Baby has that now Kid has. This is no joke. I cannot wait to get it on the drive home tomorrow.

P.P.P.S Yes I canceled the baby for Monday just in case I can't even get back to Asheville in time. Or in case I'm hugging the toilet by then myself.

We Heart Aunt Kiki

Uh... Mom!

"I think I have to go potty!" Baby calls running toward me with her shorts around her ankles.

"Actually, that's called you already went poop in your pants." Mrs F corrects.

So Yeah

Admittedly not my safest plan to date:

But when I fall there's a pretty good chance it will be a soft landing. And I couldn't say that about the rickety ladder. Right?

Video Update

Locksmithery: One More Notch In the Ole Self Competency Belt

Never one to just throw in the towel (that and not wanting to pay a locksmith) I kept working on that damn lock.
No budging.

Then when Sir Hugs-A-Lot (property dispute guy) came over for a signature I thought I'd hit him up for the use of his manly strength.

That's when this happened:

Yep, he immediately broke the key.

Awesome. Well that settles it, I thought, I'm going to have to get a locksmith out here now.

Dreading it, all of it: the finding a locksmith, the dealing with a locksmith, the scheduling of the locksmith, and the paying for a locksmith. I though to myself: "I can't make it worse". So I decided to disassemble the lock and see if I could slide the locking mechanism out of the door.


Bingo! I could.

Well too bad I hadn't trusted in myself FIRST.
Because, now I still had a cylinder with a broken key.
I was kicking myself for asking that big brute for help. If I hadn't I'd have had everything fixed by now.

Thankfully the internet was here to help.
I lubed up the lock and tried to pick out the broken key.
(One more reason to hang onto your jack-o-lantern saws, ladies!)
So frustratingly close but no cigar.

I thought I'd have to get a locksmith out here after all.
I'm still thinking locksmiths must be out there for a reason. This must be complex... no?
But why can't I just replace the cylinder?
A quick google proved I can... and for only 5 bucks.
Done!

The whole dismantling allowed me to repaint the door (bonus?!). Cause it's not like I had anything else to do.

And Ta-Da.

I did it.

I have to say I was feeling pretty proud of myself. I approached this whole situation from a fairly intimidated standpoint. It would have been the easiest route to just call a locksmith and hand over the problem. I'm glad I didn't. Not just because of the massive amounts of money saved, but because it's a good example for my girls... and for myself.

P.S. Kid woke up puking today. Proving that, whether big or small, I seemingly face some kind of crisis every single day.