Respite

Things are going to move slower than we initially thought.  Now we have time to get the house in order (without being under duress) and won't feel as much pressure to make a rash decision (always good).  We'd really like the time to make the best decision.

It feels like such a relief... like I have been holding my breath for 3 weeks straight.

I mean trying to juggle this stuff and the start of a new school and all the uncertainties with both has been intense.

There is also still a chance (maybe 2) that we might stay, which would obviously get the kids' vote.  And maybe mine, too, since I haven't had a great track record of loving my life in other places.  And to be honest, as things move closer to that reality... I do get a little panicked about it.  You know, Asheville was some ROUGH times for me.  And I'm not sure I've grown out of that.  Although twice as much money could help the medicine go down (just sayin').

The more I investigate other areas and housing options, the more I realize how much I love my house... we really can't find anything that compares (price, size, location) to ours.  Although the stone farmhouse is still available.... and the summer kitchen?... holy cuteness batman.  And the gorgeous barn?... holy potential rodents (the only downside I have come up with so far... and that's a serious potential downside).

Columbo

"I need to change my underwear!" Baby hollers from the bathroom.

"How did that happen?"  Mrs F calls back.

"Well, apparently there is some poop in it."  Baby returns.

Good News (and lots of work)

The weather finally turned. It's been strange late fall weather, but I'm enjoying it.  It also feels somewhat melancholy and I wonder if it's the last time I'll feel this weather here.

Mr F continues to paint the house.  Good god, all the trim and screened-in porch is taking forever.  And I just told him that the blue has to go.  He's thrilled.  I reminded him that we knew all along if we were selling the house we'd have to change the blue to a neutral... he said "yeah, but I'd thought the paint would have had a chance to dry first."  It's definitely frustrating.  Of course, we didn't think we'd be selling our house a month later.  Seriously, never saw this coming.  Fortunately the blue peaks are the fastest to paint and if we stick with the trim color (which I freaking LOVE) it should only take one coat to cover it up since it's equally as dark.  Unfortunately, he still needs to paint the guest room (which the tornado contractors rebuilt the wall of and only painted that ONE wall), and the kitchen ceiling (tornado water damage) and the dining room ceiling (we changed the location of the light so there is a big patch there, and the kitchen walls (not much).  All of these inside projects were on our list pre-tornado they just got pushed back.  So he kind of wants to kill himself.  All of his evenings and weekends are spent painting (for pretty much the last 2 months) and he's got plenty to go.  And now there is the time crunch.

Mr F has a couple of 1st interviews coming up this week.  Yay!  Thank god, since truthfully all this bullshit has started to beat him down and that starts to erode the old self esteem.  I'm so happy that he's getting this interest.  One big job contacted him the same day they received his application... and it's a big deal... so that level of interest is a huge boost.  Of course we've been down this road a few times and know it has it's ups and downs and a first interview is not the same as an offer... but I'm just incredibly grateful he got that recognition.  It actually made me cry a little with relief.  Both of these jobs would be starting in about a month... so it'll be an extremely fast process.... which made me hyperventilate a little.

I've been looking at houses online and have found my dream house: early american stone farmhouse with 10 acres, barn & summer kitchen and the best part is it's a RENTAL (with option to buy).  Yes, selling 3 houses in 4 years kind of gets old and I'm not looking to go through it again in another 2 years!  Fortunately for us we have happened to buy uniquely nice houses in desirable neighborhoods so I'm really feeling optimistic that 3rd time's the charm and we can sell this house, too.  If not, we know we can rent it for a fair amount above our house payments, so that's a definite option considering we plan to rent if we move.  So I'm not as panicked as I was in NC, since we can move with Mr F if we're renting.  Unlike our move here when he took a paycut... any new salary would be enough to cover both payments.

The only wrinkle is that the girls' new school starts in 2 weeks.  Of course, the year I decide to stop homeschooling and send them to school is the year when homeschooling would be best!  But the girls are so excited and ready to go, and truthfully, if we're selling it would be extremely helpful to have them out of the house during the day.  And if Mr F moves ahead of us, I think it will be good to have that kind of structure and stability while we're here.  We'll see.  The great news is that we don't have a contract with the school, so we can take them out without penalty.

And, yes, the girls know everything that is going on.  They are doing surprisingly well with it.  Of course, they don't want to move, but they can understand (well, Kid can) the position Mr F is in and that it isn't right or fair to have him stay there.  Baby hasn't lived in any one place for more than 23 months... so... this is par for the course for her, anyway.  I'm playing a kind of game with them, where we think about all of the kinds of places we've never lived as a family (at the sea, on a lake, in the woods, on a farm, in a city) and look for those kind of cities, towns, houses.  We circle furniture for them in magazines and pretend to furnish them.  It's empowering them (and me) to embrace the change and see the potential.  And, I have to say, it's working.  It's much easier to let this house/life go when there is something coming up that you are looking forward to.

And, just so you know, I'm really looking forward to a stone farmhouse.  

Life Lessons

If you accept less than you are worth... People will start to treat you like that is all you are worth.

Don't work 60- 80 hours a week for people who promise you things... work 60- 80 hours a week for people who actually deliver.

Better yet, don't except a job at a temporary title and pay demotion... pretty soon it's 2 years later and you are being told you haven't *earned* a promotion by your supervisor (to the title you were originally hired for and preform the duties of) despite never having a poor performance review and being told repeatedly that you are "irreplaceable".

If your boss calls you at home and says they are giving you a substantial raise... Don't get mad when 8 weeks later you still haven't received it and then are told there really wasn't a raise to offer... that will only get you blacklisted for any further promotions or raises.  In fact you'll be told that all promotions and raises will now go through your direct supervisor (see above).

Also if you find out that very same supervisor is stealing your creative content for his own personal gain... Despite the fact that it is both illegal and an ethical violation of your supervisory relationship, don't expect HR to back you on that.  

The End.

The Moment You Realize...

Those aren't muddy paw prints all over your house.

I'd Be Speechless If That Was Possible

Things are SO CRAZY around here.

My insomnia is kicked up into full gear and I try and rehash all of the stuff with Mr F and practice a ton of different potential conversations he might have the next day... EVERY NIGHT

(he 100% loves this)

(especially at 2 AM)

I don't know how he can remain so calm and contained.

This stuff is so crazy, that if I could talk about it... your mind would EXPLODE.

Every week I go into therapy and I sit down and I say....

"You are not going to believe what has happened."

EVERY WEEK, PEOPLE... and I'm not even exaggerating.

The twists and turns in the last 2+ months has been nothing short of schizophrenic and there is no way to predict how it's going to end.

NO WAY... we've tried... but it is serious loose cannon time over there.

Which of course creates and anxiety in many forms.... since we're dealing with some very irrational and unpredictable people right now.

And things are factually WRONG.

We've nearly divorced ourselves from any hope that things will be righted, which kind of makes it easier.

Now we can kind of take some pleasure in the pure entertainment value of seeing what happens when the bomb is dropped.

WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?!!

And I just want to say, I feel for Mr F.  He has given his all, his time, his talents, HIS PATIENCE, in a situation that hasn't come close to our expectations.  Even knowing that he never gives less than his best for them.  I don't know how he holds it together every day, dealing with this bs... along with the disappointment of not getting his dream job... along with the stress of a new job search... along with trying to paint the house... and just the overwhelming pressure of all of that as our sole breadwinner.  I feel badly and guilty that this portion pretty much falls on his shoulders.  But I'm also trying to rest up since the next bit (showing a house, moving, single parenting until things get lined up) will fall on mine.

Well

Time to put my money where my mouth is.

Not sure what is going to happen, or when.

I kind of want to vomit.

But I'm also kind of excited about ...

who knows?... possibilities?...

just a real earnest belief that there are risks worth taking.

I really believe it.

Goings On

Big things are churning in the background.

I said to Mr F last night, while we were out surveying our weeds and new driveway.... "Imagine if we hand't been hit by the tornado?  This has taken up all of our time for months."  And to think, this could just be a normal summer night and we'd have nothing pressing.  But instead there is ALWAYS house and yard stuff we have to keep working on as we try and get things repaired and finished.  It has really never ended since it began in early March.  Now we're trying to grow the new grass seed in a drought, and finish the house painting and grade the hill.  So many small things you'd like to do in a normal year have been left to wither on the sidelines of this whole thing which occupies all of our down time.  Like getting a light fixture in our dining room instead of the bare bulb that has been hanging there... an intermediate solution Mr F put in the week before the tornado hit.

And we're not even sure we'll be here next year to enjoy it.

Although, we really hope we are.

We are trying to move forward, each day, like we are staying.

But we've been through this a couple times before, and once the ball gets rolling, it's VERY difficult to pretend you don't know things are changing.

And the kids are older, and you can't hide the tension and the preparations... even the very small early steps.

Who knew that being an Art Director's wife would be like being an Army wife moving every 2-3 years?  I guess I knew.  We made the choice 7 or so years ago, to put his career first... after spending 7 years putting our family first (me first).  He's too good at what he does to squander it for my behalf.   I'm happier being married to someone that is fulfilled.  I already have everything I wanted.

Each move has had the hope and promise of being the last, but I always knew.  There is a limited amount of time to reach for this and I won't stand in that way.  And I won't sit by and let him sacrifice it either.  It means too much to a creative person to be able to create.  It's different.  It took a while for me to understand that.  But I do.

And as hard as moving might be, I want my kids to see that life is about trying.  You can't limit your life because you are afraid of what might come next.  Good and bad things will happen if you stay or if you go.  But respecting and encouraging someone's passion and gifts will always bring more happiness to your life.

No one ever showed me that, demonstrated that in their life choices to me.  I don't think anyone ever showed Mr F that either.  I'm excited to see what kind of life my girls will create for themselves having been raised in such a different environment.  Where there is real belief in people and possibilities, and risk and sacrifice that is not held against it but put behind it.

And I sometimes wonder what kind of life or person I would be if I had had that.

What I might have become.

But then I think maybe it's more of a gift to be able to give it.

Transformations

BEFORE:

AFTER:

READY FOR JESUS:

And, yes, I know... Kid's legs are suddenly like telephone poles!  Hopefully they won't get any longer or her uniforms won't meet the required length.  Maybe there is a tall girl exception?

I'm On A Roll

We Might Need To Reframe What Constitutes A Major Issue

"I have a major issue with my pinkie."  Kid says, rushing into the kitchen.

"What is it?"  I ask, concerned.

"A bug bite."  Kid replies.

Summer Update

It's going to be 106 today.  I don't even know what to say about that.  Full on craziness this summer.  It's a bit of a hardship (as many of you know)... trying to keep our new trees alive... the expense of keeping the house cool... and just the overall yuckiness of not being able to go outside and enjoy the summer with the kids.  It just feels wrong that they've spent so many summer days inside.  You know?  But it's just plain too hot.

We just returned from a short vacation Up North at my family's cottage.  This might be the first time Mr F has taken any time off since we went to Disney at Thanksgiving.  Just two days mind you.  But it felt great, even those two days add a lot to the family.  That, and being away... not having any house stuff to eat up our time.  Family time has really taken a hit in the past couple of years, and we're having to put some thought into that.  We had one day so perfect, that we stayed on the beach for a full 5 hours, a sandbar pushed close to shore making the water shallow enough for Baby to enjoy.  Mr F said that if you told him we were in the Caribbean he'd believe you... the water was that turquoise.  It was perfect.  We are so fortunate to have such a beautiful place to visit.  The kids are getting older, these kind of trips are getting easier (and more fun), and it was really restorative.  While truthfully, these past few years have been more work then rest on these short trips.

On our way home we opened the car door at a rest stop and felt the heat rush in like a thick wet blanket.  It was disgusting and a big slap of reality.  We'd hoped it might have rained some while we were gone... but our barometer (the kids' chalk drawings) showed otherwise.  It made us all the more grateful we'd taken the long weekend away.

I got out as early as I could muster to water the trees on the hill (which bake all day) and then dragged myself in, letting the lower trees fend for themselves until it cools down a bit.  We're out of half & half (which is an emergency!) and other necessities but only a crazy person would attempt a grocery run knowing that their car seats will likely reach 1000 degrees while you're in the store.  It's just not worth it.  I guess we'll be eating buttered noodles today.... and we'll like it.

So much more.... but.... I still haven't adjusted to these glasses and I need to go rest my eyes a bit.

Mid-Life

It happens...

Pillow Talk

"Fuck the Dillon Panthers!"  Mr F bursts out in the middle of a discussion about mulch.

Just Went Outside...

Felt like my lungs were going to collapse

The Wild Blue Yonder

Last night we packed in the car and headed west to the Battle Creek Air Show and Balloon Festival.

At first things looked pretty dismal, since the balloons had been grounded due to wind.  And it was blazing hot in the shadeless air field.  And there were more than a comfortable number of toothless people milling about.

In truth, Mr F was about to pay for this brilliant idea...

But do you see what I see?

Yes, the Amish were all over the place.

So we waited it out for the night time air shows.

We let the kids ride the one ride I didn't think could kill them.

 Then the evening air show started up.  I have to say, I was surprised at how spectacular it was.  I didn't go into this, thinking I'd be too impressed by the planes.  We were there for the balloons.

While we were waiting for the night time Balloon Illume, we got ourselves situated near a large group of partying Amish teens (they really know how to throw back the Mountain Dew) and split this year's funnel cake.  It's taken me a long time to learn, but 1/4 of a funnel cake really is enough.  If only this were true for pans of brownies (it's not).

After a bit the balloons got into formation and they started to fill them up for the illumination.  It's hard to capture the full effect, but it was pretty awe inspiring to see so many in one place, so close together.

Just watching them blow them up was pretty fun.  

But as it got darker they started to light them up for the show.  There were about 30 balloons there and it was pretty amazing to see them lit up.  

We wish we could have seen them all fly, but watching them twinkle made the 2 hour drive worth it.  Maybe even waiting for 3 hours in the heat. Maybe. We'll definitely go back next year... with chairs and an umbrella like all the cool kids had.

Here We Go

It seems all I can manage is to show up here every week or so and dump all whole lot of randomness on you.

Sorry.

There really are important things I could share, like my reflections on how much I've matured in my marriage in the last 5 years.  Or how nervous, overwhelmed, and kind of lost I am over the thought of both of my girls going off to school in August.  Stuff like that.  But, I'm way too busy finishing up The Hunger Games trilogy.  It'll have to wait.

#1 Kid went to VBS this week.  It was at their new school and we thought it would be a good way to get more comfortable with the school and meet new people.  She loved it (of course).  It also turns out that the humorous (ironic) religious musicals I write, direct and star in at home for our amusement (largely inspired by Mary Katherine Gallagher) are pretty much (unbeknownst to be) a dead ringer for VBS praise songs.  At first I thought Kid was joking, but.... no.... she wasn't.  This has been endlessly amusing to us both.

#2  Baby started Safety Town this week.  This seems to be a Michigan thing (?).  It's a day camp for incoming Kindergartners run by the school and teachs about different aspects of safety (electrical, 911, police, fire, bike and car safety, etc.).  Baby NEEDS this.  And while she generally disregards any safety oriented stuff we tell her.... like walking through parking lots with her eyes closed (FOR REAL... she's such a nut).... put it in a school setting with some songs and stickers and she is all about it.  Hopefully this sticks.

#3 Mr F had one of the worst closing weeks ever at the magazine, this week.  EVER.  He was gone from 8 AM- 2 AM.... and I wish that was an exaggeration.  It's strangely easier to manage his absence when he is just out of town, then when he's just across town and not able to come home.  It really pisses Kid off.  She takes it very hard.  Baby on the other hand, having spent all of her formative years with this kind of schedule actually prefers closing week (sorry Mr F).  I think it's because we have breakfast for dinner A LOT.  Plus I let them watch a movie every day after dinner when I need to carve an hour or so out for myself so I don't crash and burn.

#4 I rented Mildred Pierce from the library this week (see #3) and watched it all over a couple of days while I took several loads of laundry to completion.  I even removed cherry stains (boiling water poured from above so it runs through the stain) and Sharpie (blot it with rubbing alcohol... took about an hour).... but can't find a mud stain remover... why?!!... why is mud/dirt the most permanent stain?  It confounds me to no end that I can get out Sharpie but not mud.  ANYWAY back to the mini series... it was fantastic.  I have to give it to Kate Winslet, she is a great actress.  If you've never seen her in anything but Titanic, you have really underrated her.  Plus I always appreciated a strong brow ;)

#5  Kid had a sleepover at a new friend's house on Friday.  Kid is not big on sleepovers to begin with.  She's only been successful at her best friend's house, and even that took awhile.  Well, she was trepidations but she went (armed with a Unisom to help her sleep).  When I went to pick her up, I found out they had stayed up ALL NIGHT.  Literally, people.  I was pissed.  I was turning into the HULK on my drive home.  I expect a late night, but come on they are 9... ALL NIGHT.... for real?!!  Sometimes trying to be the cool parent, isn't cool, you know?!  She came home looking like a drug addict and promptly cried herself to sleep.  Thanks for ruining the rest of our weekend.

Long story short, Kid won't be sleeping over there again any time soon.

Random Bits O' Fury

#1 This cat never stops cracking me up.  He sleeps like a dog:

 

#2 These tree swings are set up at the farm we belong to for our CSA:

The girls are begging Mr F to install one at our house ASAP.

#3 Speaking of the farm share.... Oy... what have I gotten myself into?  On the plus side we have been eating 1000x our usual greens consumption.  On the negative our bacon consumption has gone up an equal measure.

#4 Baby and I may have played a good 20 rounds of this:

She's actually surprisingly good at it....(minus the few times she threw out some random "is your guy eating Nilla wafers?" or the "is your guy sitting next to a cat?" queries....  when I replied that none of them were, she returned "How would you know?  You can only see their heads." Ah... that's the Baby I know and love).

#5 A friend just dropped me off The Hunger Games trilogy.... I'm hoping the fact that I saw the movie first, doesn't ruin the first book for me.  I'm also hoping it will distract me from my Friday Night Lights addiction.

#6  Speaking of Friday Night Lights.... we cannot stop. Our mutual love of Riggins has brought us closer together.  I'm not even joking... it's like Sawyer all over again.

#7 We're easing back into our adoption quest (the tornado kind of put a wrench in that for a bit).  Currently thinking about carefully selected teenage girls that are about to age out of foster care.  Crazy?  Or awesome opportunity to enter the lives of kids that need it the most, and completely alter the trajectory of their life?  Believe it or not but Friday Night Lights has actually nudged us in this direction.
Mr F is surprisingly more comfortable with this idea than any of my past ones.

What We've Been Up To...

Baby had her first dance recital this weekend.  Whoa, I had no idea what we were getting into.  A lot more goes into this stuff than I had anticipated.  Like mandatory hooker lipstick.  And 1000 rehearsals (okay 6... it felt like 1000)

This is her all time favorite pose....

This is all from the dress rehearsal since video and photography aren't allowed at the recital... which turned out okay since one girl froze during the real show.

Baby is the 2nd from the right, in the purple dress with the dark brown bear.

Things To Consider BEFORE Your House Is Power Washed

Putting rolled up towels under all of your exterior doors.

Trust me.