From The Furious Parenting Files

"Baby turned off my radio!" Kid yells running into the kitchen.

"I'm going to kill her." Mrs F replies deadpan, without looking up from the recycling.

"Grab the sharpest knife in the drawer." Mr F says to Kid mid dish wash.

Kid turns around and sulks back to her room.

"Sarcastic parenting is the best kind of parenting." Mrs F says to Mr F.

Safety First

Crosswalk lines will be repainted within 2 weeks.

I also ordered Kid and I some reflective vests.

We have to walk pretty early, and pretty soon it will be dark.

Plus, I've always got to take things all the way.

It's more fun.

It's like last week when I was looking at special cargo bikes...

then started looking at Pedicabs (which would be awesome)...
I mean. please People, just imagine me pedaling down the street in that thing!

then discovered you can buy these...

Which is so much better than awesome there aren't even words for it.

Mr F said people would laugh at me.

I said "I don't care. It's hilarious. I'm going to have to do it. Just imagine all riding down to get pizza and locking that thing up!"

Can't you just imagine me pedaling that baby up to the front of school and getting in line with all the idling cars?!

There are some jokes that are just worth $2500... right? Plus it's green.

I told Mr F "If there was a picture of Brad & Angelina riding their kids around in one, everyone would think it was badass."

"We can't pull that off. We're not that kind of badass." Mr F said.

"Yes, we are. If people see you driving around town in a surrey... to them... you are that kind of badass."

We spent our entire Sunday that way.


Anyway back to the reflective vests

Kid said...

"Do we have to wear those?"

"Yep. Don't worry, we'll take them off before you go into the school." I replied.

"That's not what I'm worried about. What if I like boys who live on the way to school?" Kid explained.

I laughed.

Just wait till I order the old school hat...

And handheld Stop Sign.

6 Kids

Out of something like 1000 K-4th graders actually walked to school today.

Yesterday there were fewer.

Maybe just us.

And we're technically in the "no walk zone" since we have to cross a *busy* road. (For here... it is still a 25 MPH road)

Which FYI they have no crossing guard for despite being just 3 blocks from one of the elementary schools.

And for some unknown reason they've let the crosswalk markings on the road fade to nearly non-existent... yet have a school crossing sign pointing to it.

Sounds confusing.

Yes, that's just what you want to promote driver awareness and pedestrian safety... right?... confusion?!

I LOVE trying to wait with my child to cross the road while car after car just drives by oblivious to our right of way.

I'm committed to walking as long as we can (which In MI might not be much longer due to ice on the sidewalks and roads... and you may recall my butt & ice don't mix), despite walking 3/4 mile each way (which equals 3 miles a day for me).

Because it's healthier, faster than the buses (which pick up next door a half an hour before we leave to walk, and arrive home 45 minutes later after school), and great exercise for the both of us. It also means Kid arrives at school alert and ready to learn. And it gives us an opportunity to talk about our day.

But there are less than a handful of parents walking or encouraging their children to walk to school even from within the "no bus zone" which is between 1 and 4 blocks from the schools with crossing guards and sidewalks.

I saw only ONE bike locked up in the bike stand outside of our school yesterday.

It is such a disturbing reflection.

I have more things to say... but a lot of it is angry statements at how distracted drivers are and how self-obsessed people have become that they are more concerned with making that left than letting a child cross the road IN THE FUCKING SCHOOL CROSSWALK to get to school.

That just pisses me off.

And so I do get why some parents thinking walking is unsafe (although honestly there is a large population of families in the village for whom the walking safety is not an issue), and to be sure I would not let Kid walk/scooter to school by herself considering the current road issue.

And instead of the town putting money into maintaining and improving the crosswalks (giving tickets just one day to drivers would probably have a big effect since this is a small town with the same drivers on the same roads at the same time every day) to make walking a safe and practical mode of transportation for those of us who really do live close enough to walk... instead... they spend markedly more bussing (people, up until this year they bussed EVERY child door to door... even if you lived NEXT DOOR to the school).

Then we wonder what to do about our rising rates of childhood obesity.

P.S. the bag of donuts the school gives out for breakfast aren't helping either.

I think unfortunately we're in a bit of a "which comes first the chicken or the egg" scenario now. If fewer and fewer families walk, drivers will become less accustomed to watching out for pedestrians... and then walking becomes much more dangerous... and then less people will walk. A little education could go a long way here.


Oh and just so you know... most of the drivers that don't stop to let us cross... are PARENTS DRIVING THEIR CHILDREN TO SCHOOL.

I Wish I Could Blame The Public Schools For This...

But sadly in this area I think Kid is the bad influence.

"Can I write 'Ruby is HOT' on this?" Kid asks.

"Nooooo. God! I don't even want you to say that." I reply gaging a little.

"Kids can't be hot." I explain.

"Can kids be sexy?" Kid inquires.


This after Kid ran out of school and blurted...

"I've decided which boy in school to have a crush on!"

"You did? Does he know?"

"Well, sort of. I did tell him I'd kiss him if I beat him in a race."

Thankfully, for all of us, he won.

This Keeps Happening

Another year another Back to School photo shoot:
Yipes! She looks a little too cool in that one!

There that is better.


Good grief it's early! I might need to have 2 cups of coffee before we head out tomorrow.


And we're off...

No Matter How Many Times I've Told Her...

Kid doesn't seem to believe me that she won't need to know how to write her teacher's name.

School starts in 2 days.

Kid's ready!

What?

Time elapsed between these photos?

Two days.

And about 35 degrees.

Stalled

We haven't seen much progress here in the past couple of days.

It's getting messy and I'm working through my usual resentment that I have to actually pick this stuff up.

You know.

Not the moving...

the whole "this is my job?!" feelings that are maybe universal among adults.

Or maybe just among lazy ones.

I thought I'd share pictures of Kid's room.

It's the only other room that has been *decorated* but it's not 100% done.

And I don't want to spoil the *after* by giving it away too soon.

It's pretty awesome though.


In other fronts we took Kid to her school Open House last night.

I don't know who was more nervous... it must have been hard to out do me... but I think Kid managed, and I thought at one point she was actually just going to collapse to the floor.

It was really overwhelming for her.

It is very different from her old school.

In EVERY way.

Her class has twice as many kids and half as many teachers.

There is a cafeteria (the thought of this unknown has been keeping her up at night, despite my constant reassurance that she'll be packing a lunch).

Mr F and I had been worried about lots of things.

Mr F more about her not fitting in or getting made fun of.

I worried she would be behind in academics.

Um... I guess you know which things were our fears in elementary school now don't you?

Kid made a new friend, a nice outgoing, especially huggy, friend (and lockermate) before the evening was out.

So that was one fear we could cross off.

The second... the academics?

yeah... not a problem.

This is a great school.

But it really emphasized how much more restricted the public school curriculum is going to be.

Not only am I now confident that she is 100% on target for reading and math (which is what I was primarily worried about... that and Kid just not being used to the type of desk work they'll be doing)...

But the *extras* ... the science, social studies, Spanish?

She's way ahead. The first unit study is the very same first unit study she did in Kindergarten.

And then I came home and thought...

Is that a relief?

Kind of not...

I was really hoping to be impressed.

So, this will be a very interesting year. I'm happy that I don't think it will be stressful for her academically, since I think the social and logistical changes will be challenging enough. But seeing as this is a top public school system, a system that has figured out how to excel within the government imposed standards... I'll be interested to see how it compares with a small private school that, frankly, I didn't think was that impressive academically.

As for Kid making a friend was all the confidence she needed.

She is now counting down the days until she gets to go back to school.

I, of course, am not.

Happy Anniversary Honey!

And by now I'm sure you all know that I would not EVER really say that.

I have NEVER intentionally called Mr F "honey".

Yes, it has slipped out a handful of times in the last decade or so.

But it was an accident EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Just something that came out when I was in the panic of trying to give out an imperative instruction or something.

And I promise you it shocked the hell out of both of us each time.

And I very well my have vomited in my mouth a little too.

To put it in perspective I've accidentally called Mr F "Mom" more times.

And that only happens when we're fighting (Oh, Freud!).

No, our relationship is founded on the principle of humor first.

Profanity second.

And let's face it... it's pretty funny to nonchalantly mix as much unexpected profanity and insult into your endearments.

And that's why when Mr F gets home from work I don't say

"Hi Honey, how was your day?"

I say

"Oh. Hey Asshole." In as deadpan of a delivery as one can muster while draining spaghetti.

It makes us laugh every single time.

Except for the few times when I meant it...

It turns out without the implied irony it is just awkward.

Let's hope tonight is not one of those nights (aka BE ON TIME FOR THE SCHOOL OPEN HOUSE YOU JACKASS... 4:30 PROMPT)

Oh, and, Happy Anniversary.

Maybe next year we'll actually remember in time to get cards and gifts on our anniversary... and not just sometime in the year of our anniversary?

Or not get cards on time but forget to give them and just leave them in a bag on the top of our fridge until they are found when we're packing up to move?

Remember when we thought we'd go back HERE for our 10th anniversary?

It doesn't look like that is going to happen.

But who knew then that going to Ikea on "Ribs Night" would prove to be just as exciting?

P.S. "Ribs Night" is tonight. And I do have some returns to make. Let's take the kids. It'll be super romantic.

P.P.S I should clarify that it is actually our 9 year anniversary. It just feels like 10. thousand.

I Promise Not To Do This Every Day...

But please...

they've been sleeping like this for half an hour.

I Forgot How Much Better...

My old hair stylist in Ann Arbor was.

I can give her a picture of what I want...

And actually get that cut...

And not a cut that takes a couple of weeks to not look like I just walked into a barber shop and got a military special.

Step One To Not Killing Myself

Somewhat of a Before (after hanging the rod and curtains... but before painting and clearing out all the shit):
note Mr F's pants... just sayin'

Somewhat of an After (still waiting on carpet, hanging pictures, dealing with the bookcase, installing our sconces, and getting my mother's piano in here):


note that the paint stops just past the curtains on that long wall... that shall be blue soon...

Some People Might Have Unpacked First...

Quaint... and Progress

Is it possible that the church bells just tolled out "My Country Tis Of Thee" for the noon hour?

I'm pretty sure they did.

Last night there was a band in the gazebo in the center of town.

Today Mr F and the girls are headed down to the donut shop and hardware store.

Oatmeal will be a thing of the past here shortly (I hope).

"Flax Seed" (yellow side of beige) for the living room and "Exhale" (a blue that is nice... can't think how to describe it... dusty medium light blue?) for the kitchen/dining area. It's going to go well with the cherry cabinets while REALLY drawing the eye away from the counters/tile/sink color. I have the most amazing curtains for each room that tie the two color schemes together:


Sorry the lighting in here is bad... trust me they're really nice. And fun. Yet sophisticated. And they are lined... which these days is hard to come by without paying a million dollars (also Cost Plus World Market like the knobs... and they are 96" long)


And I have what I think is a great idea for the light fixtures in the kitchen/dining area... which are currently HIDEOUS. As my friend said "hello Vegas!":

These pictures don't do these babies justice. There is no scale... they are huge. And brassy. And sassy... in a bad way. We have two more of these beauties in the family room!

My idea for the dining area is to take this light from Ikea and spray paint it some sort of accent color... pumpkin orange, or muted yellow.. draw one of the colors from the curtains that will also be in the dining room. We need a light fixture that we can swag over to our dining table... the room was at some point remodeled to add a bar... but the light is in the middle of the ceiling... which is awkwardly now just off to the side of the eating area. This chandelier fits the bill while still being under $40... and with a little makeover I think it will be a perfect fit. In the kitchen I think I'm going to need to do some kind of track lighting so I can get better light in my work areas. And, honestly, there is SO much going on in there... with the cabinets, the crazy counters & tile, the white/black appliances... I think less is more at this point.

That's all I've got for today. Maybe by Monday these rooms will be painted?

Here's The Part Where I Complain A Little (it's my nature people... and my nurture)

Okay you know how I've got everything I wanted?
You know... got out of Asheville (still miss the Super family though).
Got Mr F out of a sinking ship for a MUCH better job(more stable, more perks, more richy-richy cars for Kid to ask Mr F to drop her off in on the first day of school... yes, yes, she did).
Got back to a good group of friends.
Got back closer to family.
Got back to Whole Foods and Trader Joe's (and way over priced Busch's... who do they think they're fooling?)

Added bonus our house is in a quintessential small town.
For reals.
Our neighbor flagged down the ice cream truck and bought my kids ice cream today... and he's not even a pedophile.
I've got a gossipy neighbor on the other side who runs a home daycare (gives out Barbie big wheels too) and doesn't seem to mind that my girls crawl under her bushes Every Single Day to chat and stare at the daycare kids (well Baby just scoops pea gravel into sand buckets... but Kid chats and stares). Added bonus she has a 20 year feud going with ice cream guy!
And there's a 100 year old donut shop.
And a church bell that tolls the hour.
And an active train (kind of cool... kind of annoying).
And a small hardware store where I was actually able to buy a phone when the cable guy demanded I have one for installation in 5 minutes door to door.
Oh, and we have community mailboxes (also kind of cool... kind of annoying).

So... you know... if you were a glass half full person you'd be pretty psyched.

But

I'm not that kind of lady.

So I'm kind of overwhelmed by the boxes and the shit spewed everywhere.
And the fact that Mr F has decided to just get dressed in the living room and lay his clothes all over the flat surfaces.
The unpacking gets old.
Real old.
And it just doesn't end.

I plowed through 14 freaking dishpacks in the kitchen in two days.
That seemed great.
Then I hit the weird boxes that were packed at the end in Asheville.
You know the ones that contain the weird shit you should have thrown out mixed with some highly necessary thing like your silverware? So you can't just chuck the box you have to go through it... and now your counters are covered in piles of weird shit that you don't really have a place for? Yes... I'm in that stage.

So I decided to completely avoid that task and focus on decorating.

As you know our house smells like someone walked in 5 minutes before you and emptied their bladder all over the floor (especially my room... thanks). This is a problem. We've had the carpet guy out and we're all measured. I've picked out the exact stuff I want. But the problem is that we can't really unpack until the carpet is in. BECAUSE we have to move everything out of the rooms for the carpet. And we're replacing ALL the carpet in the main part of the house. So we're kind of stuck in this horrible limbo. I need for my sanity to get past this unpacking phase... but... that's not really going to happen for 3 weeks or so and it's just one of those horrible things... not unpacking just makes MORE mess and chaos since there isn't anywhere to put the things we need to use in the majority of the rooms.

Also all of this has just reminded me of moving to Asheville and how shockingly hard I found this phase of a move. Mr F goes to work all day and gets out of the madness and comes home late and we need to have dinner and get the kids to bed... and very little gets accomplished. I just kind of want to freak out. I feel so stuck. I want to just whip through but I can't... either because of the carpets or because it's a project I can't do on my own. But all of this... from start to finish... the showing the house in Asheville, the packing, the moving, and now the unpacking... are time consuming efforts. Like ALL of your time. From waking to sleeping. It's exhausting never ending work... but the thing of it is... the other work... the day to day work that consumed ALL of your time before you were moving... is still there. And you can't do it all. So during the showings and packing and things that were time sensitive my parenting was sacrificed. And my personal care. And our diets. And now I'm back in the moment with the kids. I've actually gone grocery shopping and had our first week in a house with a stocked fridge in months... and all that stuff... the day to day stuff takes up ALL of my time... if I do it right.

And yet I want the house DONE (who doesn't) and functioning before school starts so that I don't murder people.

Plus, and this is serious... I haven't had a break in any way in over 6 months. Not an hour to workout. Not a book on the porch. Nothing. I've been with the kids ALL the time... and I love it... and I love them... but, peeps, I'm tired. And there are days that, while I know it isn't Mr F's fault, I can get a little ticked off that so much of this process has fallen on me... BY MYSELF. Even now... we're all together... but he's gone a lot (my grandmother can attest to that) and getting us settled is really on me. And I'm tired. And I never did get that spa weekend I had promised myself. And now we're gearing up for another stressor: back to school time... and it's just a lot. And there is shit on the floor... everywhere. And 95% of our walls, ceilings, moldings, and window treatments are ALL oatmeal colored.
Seriously. It could make you freak out. It's like being locked in an asylum.

So....

I bought some knobs.
Before:


After:



And that kind of made me feel better.

Maybe one day I won't have those hideous appliances...

False Start

Sorry about that. I forgot how much Comcast sucks.

Now, I'm back online.

Tomorrow I'll actually post.

Maybe something of interest.

Maybe not.

Until then I'll leave you with this:


The girls hurtling down our World's longest driveway (note Kid's maniacal expression) on their newly acquired (thanks new neighbor) big wheel. They've been sharing it pretty well... if you count that Kid is ALWAYS the driver and Baby is always precariously perched on a small piece of plastic clutching Kid's back. Hey... at least they have helmets... right? It's not like our driveway is a steep slope right into a road... oh... wait... it is.

And this:
Cause it's cute.

Back Online Peeps

Of course Mr F has his computer at the Cougar's and who knows where our router is so I'm standing in the dark dingy basement corner (the site of Mr F's eventual office space) to type this.

It's not 100% pleasant.

I'll be back.

It's Really Happening

Mr F is at the house directing the movers as we speak.

Turns out our couch won't fit in the house. Hmm. Too bad we spent $300 on ugly unnecessary red chairs when we now need a new couch.... (just sayin)

Can't wait to walk into that house full of chaos.

Here are some things...
We got the house for a deal.
The bones of the house are in fantastic condition for it's age.
The yard is spectacular.
The interior cosmetics... not so much.
Holy mackerel.
You REALLY block out light fixtures when you're walking through apparently.
It's like an 80s department store in there.
All the carpets need to be replaced ASAP due to dog & large human pee stains and odors.
I think we'll all be wearing Baby's swimming nose pinchers until we can get that ripped out.
The kitchen tiles (in an awesome pattern I might add) and laminate counters are... FLESH colored.
Appetizing.
The kitchen sink... is... plastic.
I didn't even know you could buy flesh colored plastic sinks. Who knew?
Too bad my cast iron pans will melt it.
The glass topped stove has chunky chips in all the burners.
I spent three hours cleaning the fridge.
The pantry?... mouse poop... we'll be getting that cat pronto.
This is not to complain... just to say... we didn't notice any of this when it was furnished.
And, while the house is certainly move in ready (and still a very good deal),
It needs a lot more cosmetic work than the coat of paint we had anticipated.
Thankfully Mr F is handy.
Unfortunately he's also slow.

On the positive side this will all make for amazing before and afters....

Along The Way

The girls and I have logged MORE THAN SIX THOUSAND MILES in the ol' van this summer.

I try to make it somewhat enjoyable...

Which kind of explains our weight gain now doesn't it?

We stopped at Ikea again yesterday.

I'm still impressed with myself for coming up with that pit stop idea. I dropped the kids off to play, grabbed a cup of coffee and made myself comfortable in a fake living room (I wanted desperately to make myself comfortable in a fake bedroom) and called a friend. As it turns out hot dogs were only 50 cents and after days of McDonald's I was pretty excited to eat my meat in oblong form. So we had lunch and then hit the road again, feeling surprisingly refreshed. I said to Mr F on the phone "I really like going to Ikea and not buying anything."(It really is a completely different experience) And he said "You've built up an immunity." Although I should say that yesterday Kid stood in front of the "As-Is" room and held her arms out to block me yelling "DON'T GO IN THERE!" So some of the credit goes to Kid... although not all of it since she spent about 20 minutes trying to haggle me into buying her large sheep skins...

You've missed a fair amount of Furious shenanigans as of late. I assure you Kid is still Kid and Baby is still Baby. I wish I had more photos of their craziness...

Last night I walked into the bathroom to see Baby brushing her teeth with swimming nose pinchers on. God... that would have been a classic Baby pic.

Kid still makes me laugh non-stop. The other night while eating McDonald's in the car (umm... forgive us) I handed Kid the fries (Baby's fries I might add.... Kid didn't order them) I told her she could take some out and then give the bag to Baby.

"What is some?" Kid asked.
"A few... less than half." I replied.
"What's half?" Kid asked.
"You know what half is." I replied.
[crinkling noises]
"Did you give her the bag?" I asked.
"Yep." Kid replied.
"Did you take less than half?" I asked.
"I took what I call less than half." She replied, than added...
"and.... what you would call half."
"Does she have half of them?" I asked.
"A little less." Kid replied then cackled...
"I HAVE MILLIONS OF FRIES!"

Oh I couldn't help laughing and laughing... it was so classic older sibling. As she said one day "If I'm weird it's because you made me that way." True, true. And I call that a success worth celebrating!

That's what I've got folks. Our house in Asheville closed successfully yesterday. We're closing on our new house this afternoon. So we're almost done. Our movers come on Saturday. Until then we're still kicking it at the Cougar's.

This Is It

Moving Day.

Good God.

I kind of want to divorce Mr F right now.

We were up until around 3 AM packing.

And then up again at 7 AM packing.

The movers are there now.

Mr F is.... still.... packing.

Oh the anxiety!

I took the kids out of the house so they won't get trampled.

Back in a few hours to clean.

Look at our empty (God willing!) house.

Comment on it's strangeness.

Shove whatever is left in the crevices of our cars.

Then drive north.

For the last time.