Taking A Break

We're packing up and heading to the beach. I'll be back in a few days. We need this.

While I'm gone, if you are the praying type... or positive energy type... wishing and hoping type...or cast a magical spell type, please send your thoughts and prayers to my dear friend Meagan up in Alaska. Her husband was just diagnosed with B-Cell Lymphoma. He is currently undergoing weeks of painful tests and procedures as they try and identify what stage it is at. Their first baby is due in late December.

I love you Meagan and I'm hoping for the best and praying for you guys! Hang in there! I'm thinking of you.

Not So Quiet Desperation

I'm stuck and hurting and alone.

I've never felt more alone in my life... than I do now... here.

It's hard to even verbalize the deep pit I feel... the entrapment... the fear that I might not get out.

The loneliness.

The wrongness.

This year has been a hard, trying, learning experience.

And I'm grateful for it. Really, I am. It's changed me and my perspective, and my priorities... and my marriage.

and while part of me feels stronger... like I've been prepared for a battle... the other part is lame, and sore, and maybe lost.

The part that is about me.

Not the part about being a good wife or a caring mother.

The part that is just about me.

Cat's Got My Tongue

I've been asked to zip it for a bit on a certain subject.

Well, for the life of me I just can't think of another stinking thing to say.

It's like if I can't write about the ONE THING ON MY FREAKING MIND then what is the point?! I feel like I need to think up a post every morning and, frankly, I hate that. I've got enough other stuff on my plate that I don't need to feel like I need to come up with a blog post.

So while we wait I'll try to get inspired by something other than the thing which is truly interesting.

But until the gag order is lifted I can make you no promises as to the quality (or genuineness) of this blog.

You've been warned.

Just To Tide You Over

Got My Hands Full

This little fella dropped in today. This is the baby I'll be watching... am watching I suppose I should say. They needed me to fill in at the last minute today. I was happy to oblige as I'm not turning down money at this point.

I hadn't been planning on him or I would have taken care of our errands over the weekend (thank God we had cleaned!). As it stood I had to go today. With Baby and the baby... in the pouring rain. It's been a long time since I've had to juggle one of those ridiculously heavy and cumbersome infant car seats. Doing that in the rain while making (asking... hoping) Baby to walk through the parking lot holding onto my purse was STRESSFUL. But we made it. Kids are funny like that. I often am amazed at how they'll rise to a challenge when they have to... almost like all they needed was for there to be a real need for them to take up appropriate behavior.

I did my best to be as quick as possible. Not having watched him before I don't know his quirks... or his patience level... and I did not want to mess with him right off the bat. Shopping with Baby is stressful enough... with her penchant for dismounting from the cart... or lodging herself underneath... or squashing expensive raspberries... or throwing glass jars onto the checkout belt. So I was STRESSED. Then of course my phone rang (people NO ONE calls me... ever) and fearing it was a school emergency I rushed to check it... MR F. Oh I wanted to shoot him. He knew where I was and what I was doing! Like I had an extra hand for answering the phone and having a chit chat! Give me a break for once!!

As it turns out the call was worth the trouble. More on that later.

Priorities

On Friday as we cleaned up the dinner dishes I asked Mr F...

"What is the one thing you miss most about not having money? What's the first thing you'd add back?"

"Going out to eat." He said.

"Me too." I replied.

Not vacations. Not new cars. Not furniture or clothes. Just give us a decent restaurant!

I can suck everything else up. I can budget out grocery money. He can drive a junker. But FOR THE LOVE OF GOD we just want to be able to go to a restaurant (not fancy folks!) and order WHAT WE WANT. And not even think about it.

Going out to eat had the biggest impact on our daily quality of life.

And it's the first thing we're adding back.

I'm not saying every day... but... once a week... that would be amazing! Just to be able to relax and enjoy someone else's cooking. Talk to my family. I really miss that.




What's yours?

This Weekend Is Getting Off To A Rough Start

After 2 weeks of deadlines for Mr F (which means virtually no down time with us or sleep)... he is devoting this weekend to his "project". Which means... virtually no down time or sleep.

I, of course, am hardly doing any better.

Ever since returning from our trip this summer Baby wakes up a MINIMUM of two times a night with nightmares. Nightmares not night terrors. Even if I don't have to settle her back to sleep... it wakes me up. Which means I'm running on 2 (maybe 3) hour stretches of sleep. And I'm suffering.

It's been 7 years since I slept through the night.

I'm ready.

On top of that I seem to have gotten a stomach bug. I woke up in the night barely able to walk. I couldn't find the door to my bedroom and couldn't keep myself from toppling over. I thought I was going to knock myself unconscious. No fever. But something isn't right. I'm staying in my pajamas today.

Kid meanwhile has her first homework assignment. She's more than a little stressed out about it. Someone grant me patience... cause it's running thin around here.

As if it isn't bad enough that I'm tired and sick and Mr F needs to work (at top level concentration... because... Sweet Jesus... get me out of here) and that Kid has been sulking around doing homework (it's a Saturday for the love of God... and she's 6!!). But it's also "Tom Swayer Day" at Kid's school. The day we have to shlep mulch or fix things around the school... in return they credit back some of your money ($10/hour).

Well, obviously, we need to max that credit out. Of course today is just not a good day for this... alas... Mr F had to go (and sign me in even though I'm not going... shhh... hey... they owe me 3 hours for sewing last month and I intend to collect!). I'm really needing a break and it's depressingly obvious that that isn't happening for me this weekend.

To top this morning off as I went to pop their highly debated movie in for the girls ("My Web"... as Baby cutely calls it), so they'll leave me in peace, our damn DVD claims it can't read it. So... I am valiantly offering up my computer.

And that is the greatest sacrifice of all!

So if you're wondering where I am... I'm in my chair... trying to stay hydrated... trying to block out the sounds of bickering children... and eating a bucketful of animal crackers.



P.S. Thanks to everyone who has commented this week. I am sorry that I haven't returned everyone's comments. I've been stretched to about my breaking point time and energy wise this week. I did read them... and always... greatly appreciate the time and effort you make to leave them! I'm hoping I'll be back to normal soon!! And I'm hoping we'll have word on our developments with in a few weeks. At which point I will share them... good or bad.

Wishful Thinking

"Mom when is Nude Day?" Kid asks me after school.

"What do you mean?" I return.

"You know the day when everyone takes of their clothes and celebrates being naked." Kid clarifies.

"Umm... there is no day like that." I reply.

Worth The Wait

This week Mr F finally installed this swing we purchased at Ikea several YEARS ago. We never had a really good spot for it in Ann Arbor (why did we buy it then?... it was cheap... that's why).

Ever since moving here we have had visions of it out here on the big porch.

It only took a year for our vision to finally become reality (which in Mr F home improvement terms is practically overnight!)...

Weight Watcher

Wondering what's up on the weight loss front?

Well... there is no loss. You will notice that little turtle has been taking a nice long snooze over there in the grass.

I've stopped trying to lose. I'm working on my fitness.

If I just focus on working out I really can eat what I want and maintain. If I want to weigh less than I do now I'll have to make a commitment to diet. AND right now I don't want to do that.

Because...

Kid asked me something about my "diet" the other week. I was just like... shit. Because the whole thing for me is being a good role model for my girls. They get it. They get that I workout and that that is part of being a healthy grownup. For Kid to pick up that I'm at all dissatisfied with my physically fit size four self... is a fucking problem. (excuse my French) That is exactly what I don't want to model. That is exactly what will mess them up in the head. And even though I try to be very careful of what I do and say in front of them... I let myself get caught up in some old behaviors and Kid noticed.

It is important to me that they see me live a full life. That they see me eat and enjoy food. Make healthy choices. Eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. That they see me eat the damn cake.

So the "diet" isn't happening right now. The truth is that I don't need to weigh less than I do. And while I'd like to get down to where I was... that... was a feeling of fitness not thinness. And I know I can get back to that (slowly) without focusing too much on changing the way I eat. Because... and this is important... I don't want to. The way I eat now is how I intend to eat FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. And it is the exact right amount of food for me to intake and maintain my weight. The key to my success really is the exercise. And that is where I'm going to put my energy.

When I focus too much on food... it starts to control me. And I'm actually more likely to fail. To sabotage. When I focus on fitness I ALWAYS feel more empowered. I walk away feeling in control. And that is what I want to feel and what I want to model for the kids. Being IN CONTROL of myself.

Get Crackin'

This morning I was flipping through an old Cooking Light magazine. I stumbled on an article about eggs.

You know I try to have the best quality food I can have in this house. I am particularly driven to buy organic produce, and organic hormone free dairy and meat. But eggs? Eggs have always mystified me. There are so many choices, even in the health food store, and under the 15 second pressure I have to make my selection I never can figure out which is "best".

When we're struggling financially eggs just seem like one of those things I'm willing to cut corners on. I hate to say this... but it has seemed to me that what I'm paying for is the quality of life for the chickens. And, believe me, I'm all for that. I really am. Enough to spend $3.79 a dozen... when... we have the money.

When we don't I need it for the diary, produce, and meat. Because that effects (in my opinion) the quality of life for my children.

But am I wrong?

Now that school is back in session and Kid takes a hardboiled egg in her lunch bag EVERY SINGLE DAY I make sure to buy the best quality I can afford. But for the eggs I bake with I might buy a cheaper dozen.

But when I think I've paid good money for good eggs and well treated hens... am I?

Turns out sometimes I'm not.



So here is the label breakdown according to Cooking Light:

Organic
Birds must be cage free with outdoor access
Cannot be given antibiotics
their food must be organic & vegetarian

Certified Humane Raised & Handled
Meet humane requirements for raising and handling chickens and eggs.

Cage Free
Chickens are out of cages with continuous access to food and water.
They may not have access to the outdoors.

Animal Welfare Approved
Independent family farms with flocks up to 500 birds.
Chickens are free to spend as much time as they desire outdoors on pesticide-free pasture.
Cannot have trimmed beaks.

United Egg Produces Certified
Gives food and water to caged hens.

The following terms are unregulated... so... it might not be wise to pay more for them (ouch! I have!! many times!):
Natural
Naturally Raised
No Hormones
No Antibiotics


So that is the long and the short of it. I am still unclear if "Free Range" has any meaning (I believe once I watched an expose that revealed that it did not mean what we'd think it meant). Or what it really matters (to me) what feed the chickens are fed (for our health)... in terms of eating their eggs not their meat. If I can find out I'll let you know.

My Heart's Not In It

I don't know what to say. I guess I'm hitting a blogging wall. I find this happens when I'm actually having a LOT of things roaming around the old brain... oddly enough. It's much easier to blog when stuff isn't going on for me internally. Harder when it is.

I finished my book yesterday.

And cried.

And cried.

And cried.

Baby brought me tissues and said "All done cryin'?"

Kid rubbed my back and sang me lullabies.

I still cried.

It tugged at a tap root to my grief that has never been resolved and rarely validated outside of therapy.

You can only pull out a little bit... it goes down forever and won't release it's grip.

Mr F might be the only one who knows how sad I am inside.

And even he sometimes forgets.




This weekend I told Mr F that he never tells me I'm pretty.

I know he loves me. I know he thinks I'm smart and funny and a great mother.

But I have spent 10 years believing that he doesn't think I'm beautiful.

So I cried.

I reminded him that in 10 years he's rarely complimented my looks.

And every woman wants to feel she is beautiful.

To her husband.

Not just the creepy guy at the grocery store, the volunteers at Habitat, and the man with the dog at the video store.

Your actual husband.

I asked him why he would withhold making someone feel good?

But I realize I do it too.

The withholding.

It's protection.

No One Does Deadpan Better

"Do you love me?" I ask Mr F while he works at his computer.

"Yep." He replies.

"With what level of intensity?" I fish leaning over his shoulder.

"White hot sun." He says without missing a beat or taking his eyes off his screen.

I'm Sorry Folks

but I am reading a book I cannot break myself away from.



"If we lived in the Arizona Territories in the late 1800s do you think I'd be a sharp shooter?" I asked Mr F this morning.

"Yep." He replied confidently.

"Yes but do you think I'd be able to kill people if I needed to protect my family?"

"Yep."

Good. That's what I thought.





People it's good. It's really, really, good.

And gentlemen... you might want to go ahead and get this for your lady friends. You can thank me later.

Close, Closer, Gotcha

So Much For Table Manners

When Baby is nude (or Kid for that matter) Mr F will often come home and say something like...

"I see it's butt cheek time!"

Well... so.... Baby has kind of taken that and run with it a bit. She has taken to announcing that she has both big butt cheeks and little butt cheeks (use your imagination).

At dinner (yes it was butt cheek time... hers not ours... don't worry) Baby said to Mr F...

"Where are your little butt cheeks?"

Mr F just kind of blushed a bit.

Kid piped up "He doesn't have little butt cheeks. He has a long trunk like an elephant."

Changes

The leaves have suddenly decided to turn. While eating on our porch, the other night, the wind carried swirls of yellow all around us. And now our house is getting cool in the mornings. While I lie in my bed, gathering courage to jump out and run to my beloved robe, I know that soon I'll hear the hissing of radiators and the smell of singed air. The girls wake with stuffy noses and sore throats as the first cold starts winding it's way from bed to bed.

Today we traded cold cereal for oatmeal. I shuffled through drawers looking for long sleeved shirts (there weren't any).

I was wondering if we'd be here for Fall. Not sure what would be worse... To be here with no answer? To be here... alone... missing out on the changes with head buried in newsprint and boxes? To be here with hopes depleted?

But now I think the momentum of the changes, still exciting to me, will carry me through... no matter the outcome.

I hope.

Out Of The Office

Field trip today.

6 hours spent with the teacher.

This should be interesting.

And by interesting... I do mean AWKWARD.

*****************************

We're back. I need coffee and pound cake. And some reruns of The Office.

We're all alive... barely. The teacher issues were nothing compared to the torrential downpour while driving down a winding mountain road on the way home... washed out roads.... zero visibility... hydroplaning. Someone else's kid in my car. Getting lost because it was raining so hard I couldn't read the road signs. Baby screaming because the storm was so loud it was shaking our car.

I thought my brain was going to explode from concentrating so hard.

Maybe I'll spike that coffee...

Morning Musings

Here we are Baby and I... it's 9:08 AM.

She's watching Dora the Explorer... because it's never too early to start learning a second language.
And I'm writing to you... because it is, in fact, too late for me.
This is not a typical morning routine but I thought I'd own up to it and take advantage of a few minutes of quiet to pound out a post.

Lately I've had all sorts of thoughts.

I've been thinking about marriage. I've been thinking about this time... in my life... with young children.

I've been mourning the loss of time I can't seem to stop up.

I've been struggling. I've been succeeding. I've been anxious. I've been optimistic.

I've wept with gratitude... and... from the unbearable longing for a freedom I can almost taste... but fear... may not materialize.

I've... been... alive.




Maybe one day I'll have the time and space to sit and write it all down. Maybe one day I'll write a book. I do have something to say.



But, for now, I'll ask you to share the most mundane of the mundane.

I can't help it.

For the last two days I have been wondering what everyone does in the morning.

You know... how you get out the door. Or get others out the door.


Last year, in our house, the morning went terribly. It was the worst time of the day and tears were quite frequent.
Getting up for school was hard on everyone. We are not morning people! We are not early risers! For the first semester I got up and woke up Kid and Mr F. But, there was a learning curve... and it was our first year of school. Mr F has ADD (as I've mentioned) and it is hard enough for him to get to work on time... alone... let alone having to swing by Kid's school (literally on his route to work) and drop her off. They were late... A LOT. It was stressful for me and I let that trickle down. It was hard.

Then I broke myself and the mornings became Mr F's responsibility. He didn't mind. It was a necessity. I needed to sleep and rest and I needed to keep Baby sleeping so that I'd have less time being up and active before Mr F came home to help at night. (Do not ever break yourself... it was a very hard time... that we survived but certainly paid the price for) While I didn't get up I could hear nagging and occasional shouts from my bed. I worried about her getting started each morning on the wrong foot. I worried that it was just too much to ask Mr F to get himself and Kid ready (maybe it was?... of course he never tried getting up earlier). And I missed Kid. It didn't seem like a huge amount of time to give up... but not getting up meant I wouldn't see her from one night until the next afternoon. It felt wrong and it made me sad. I felt a real difference in our relationship and felt she was pulling away from me. It was hard.

Because Mr F loves me and is a kind hearted person he would be willing to get Kid off to school this year too. And while that is certainly tempting... I think we all paid too high a price for that. He was barely getting them out the door on time and because he was getting himself ready too Kid spent her morning either alone or being rushed. When I'm up I'm focused 100% on her. I guide her through her routine and I'm with her. It makes me sad to think back to all those mornings when she didn't have that. Mr F was awake but he was showering and walking the dog while she sat in the kitchen by herself.

So this is how we do it:

The night before I prep some of Kid's lunch.
I also get her glasses and her brush and set them out on the table where we'll be able to find them!

In the morning I get up 50 minutes before Kid & Mr F have to leave for school/work.
I check my email and the weather.
I brush my teeth.
I make coffee.
I fill Kid's water bottle and milk thermos for school.
I get out her lunch box and food containers.

40 minutes before they need to leave I wake Mr F and Kid up.
I snuggle Kid for a couple of minutes and sing her a song and rub her back.
I yell at Mr F to "Get Up!"

35 minutes before departure M F gets up and showers.
Kid and I pick out her clothes.

I ask her if she wants cereal or yogurt for breakfast and tell her to go potty & brush her teeth.
I prepare her breakfast and start on her lunch.


I go back in the bathroom to find her doing something weird and reminder her to "Brush your teeth!"

25 minutes before departure Kid emerges and gets dressed.
I ask Kid what kind of sandwich she wants for lunch.
Mr F walks the dog.

20 minutes before departure Kid eats breakfast and I finish up her lunch.

10 minutes before departure I brush Kid's hair while she eats (no she can't do it herself... it's about 3 feet long!)
Mr F makes his breakfast and lunch.

If Kid doesn't dilly dally she might be done with her breakfast with 10-15 minutes to spare. That happens maybe once a week. On those rare mornings she is allowed to watch a few minutes of TV before school. It's a pretty good incentive. She just has to put her shoes on while she watches.

They have made it to school on time EVERYDAY! Horray! And there have not been any morning fights! I've got our timing down so that it allows us enough time to get everything done without rushing... but doesn't cut into our sleep any more than necessary. Mr F is only responsible for himself and as long as he and I stay out of each other's way... our mornings are mostly peaceful.

After they leave the door I finally get that cup of coffee and then start my day over again with Baby... on a good day.

Most days Baby does sleep until right around the time they are leaving. If she gets up before that she has the potential to throw a serious wrench in our morning routine. We try our best to get out of the bedrooms quietly... but... our house is only one floor and our bedrooms are right off the kitchen. It's hard to keep all the hustle and bustle down while getting everyone out of the house. If she wakes up... she will not be happy. Baby wakes up slowly and wants to be held. That just can't happen for more than a second. I really need to have both hands free and I also want to be able to focus my attention on Kid so she leaves for her day having had a good morning. So on mornings when she does wake up before I'm done with Kid she watches TV until I can focus on her. It allows her to wake up slowly and stay out from underfoot. It's an unfortunate necessity.

That's how we do it.

Sometimes Baby sleeps for a good half hour after they leave for the day. Those days are golden. Today was not one of those days...

Happy Labor Day

I'll get back to posting soon... for now... while Mr F occupies the kids I'm hoping to make up for lost time on the treadmill.