What We're Doing

Maybe I'll make another blog just about this whole process.

A homeschooling blog... aka... what the heck is that lady doing?! blog (but I'm afraid it'd have to be invite only! I'm too fragile right now!).

Otherwise this might start to take over for awhile.

Hey, remember when I used to exercise?!

Except instead of watching me lose weight you'll probably be watching me gain it... I can't help it... cooking IS science.


Anyway, our curriculum...I'm going with Sonlight (yes I know that it's Christian... but it's literature & history based and we're not doing the bible study aspect... I just got the core component and am mixing in the other things I want). I liked the focus (kid loves her some history) and that the lesson plans are included. For me and my kind o'crazy perfectionism (and over the top need for documentation) I think this will help keep me in check.

We've got a science curriculum coming. I'm some what fearful of this. I just think adding experiments into my day... ugh... I don't know... is a lot to manage. Mr F said he'll handle it. But... ahem... Mr F says he'll handle a lot of things...

We're working our way through some Kumon math workbooks I got at Barnes & Noble. Once I can tell what level she's at (they've only been doing review of addition & subtraction up to 20 at the public school so far) I'll go in for an appropriate curriculum. But for now, better to be getting practice every day and slowly working up, then start out too hard and freak out in frustration and refuse to do it EVER AGAIN (Kid hates math did I mention that?). I also got her an abacus at IKEA the other day. Hello! She loves it. Last night she used it to add up all the cookies I baked for the Cookie Bazaar, and to figure out how many years until Mr F turns one hundred. So that's good. Learning should be interesting & fun. She uses that thing all the time.

I picked up some language arts workbooks (writing, spelling, reading comp stuff) just to flush out where it might be needed. And let me say this 2nd Grade spelling book... is a revelation... they were doing insane spelling words at school. This book is kind of too easy... but... again... my goal is to just start out a little BELOW (this is an anxiety disorder I'm dealing with here) and not challenge her right now... just establish a routine and what kind of work is stimulating and interesting, and THEN start slowly introducing more challenging work. Her number one trigger is frustration, so we need to keep things LOW PRESSURE and EXTREMELY POSITIVE. We need to rebuild self esteem, and feelings of self competency, and self worth. We're talking baby steps.

The good news is that you can cover a lot more material in a much shorter period of time at home than at school (believe it folks). So I will not be surprised at all if by June (should we still be doing this) she has not only caught up, but has moved beyond the schools curriculum goals.

I also found a great history program from PBS on Netflix, and she's been watching an episode a day and then giving me the synopsis. We then fact check in our big DK History of the World book (she loves that book... TONS of illustrations of beheadings!).

Until our curriculum comes and I get that sorted, she's been reading simple small chapter "Easy Reader" style books and then (and really I think this was genius) I copy the cover of the book with our scanner, and she writes out a book review on the copy. I told her it was so we could keep track of whether it was a good book or not, this helped cover both reading comprehension and a writing exercise and she was more than happy to do it.

For science, we're keeping a Weather Journal. I thought she'd like this and it would be another sneaky way to get writing in... but she's on to me... so I think this might be a weekly thing. She records the date, the weather conditions, and then draws a picture of something weather/nature related from that day. We also just found an awesome Chimp sanctuary's blog which has TONS of short videos of the chimps playing, eating, etc. I bookmarked that, it should be fun to check in and see what they're up to.

So that is that. In case you were wondering. Much less connect the dots, and word searches than school... but... I don't think that we're doing so badly for a random quickly cobbled together program.

And that doesn't even count our discussions on menstruation (fun! I enjoyed that... not), a prison's effect on property values, and why Dad working at a cupcake shop wouldn't provide a viable income for the family. Oh and coupons... SHE LOVES COUPONS... she couldn't believe that you could pay less if you had a coupon... which of course led to a whole discussion on marketing.

Other than that, I have a big spiral binder and I write down what lessons we did for each subject. We are not required to do that, but I think it will help me feel that I have actually *done something*, and could be helpful in lieu of a transcript should we end up at a private school.

(What is Baby doing during all this?... well, she spends an inordinate amount of time standing on a step ladder in the pantry lip syncing Christmas songs into a xylophone mallet... her favorite song?... Wham!'s Last Christmas)

Wishful Thinking

Danger Zone

"You seem happier, you were pretty mad earlier."  Mrs F says to Kid.

"For a second I went past my 'Lock Up My Anger' zone."  Kid says.

"Oh, you have a 'Lock Up Your Anger' zone?"  Mrs F asks.

"Yes, I actually have another zone that includes hitting and kicking." Kid replies.

"But don't worry it's guarded with twenty thousand walls."  She adds.

"Twenty thousand walls?! That's good."  Mrs F says gratefully.

"And twenty thousand wolves."  Kid adds.

Even better.

This led to an absolutely hilarious discussion on anger management.  I told Kid that when I'm really angry walking on the treadmill helps me to feel better.  She said "So is that what you are doing when you are yelling at Dad in the basement?  Walking on the treadmill?"  Oh I had a good laugh about that.  

Today Was Better

I appreciated all of the awesomely supportive comments.

I really do.

Some of you made me cry... in a good way.

So, thanks!

This whole time has been insanely stressful and complicated (feelings wise).

I've taken something away from her that she liked... and how much that means (rightly or not) to her is hers alone to decide.

We're talking about it.  

A lot.

I talked to the private school admissions person today.

I told her that I don't want to rush right into another school.  I thought Kid needed some downtime, and that we'd come look at the school in a couple of months.  I want her to be able to choose the school for the school's sake and not just to jump from one to the other because that is easiest.  I want her to feel (even if we're ultimately guiding the choice) that she does have some say.  I don't want her (or us) to make a decision in reaction to leaving her current school.  I want us to make a real thoughtful decision about choosing the RIGHT placement for her.  We just can't do that now.  We need some time to bounce back.  I also think taking a couple of months, and spending the time really exploring what type of learner she is, and what kind of environment she really needs, and what kind of teacher... is going to be an invaluable piece of information as we move forward.  In order to advocate for her in the best way I can, I need to be the expert on what she needs.  When it comes to schools... we're just figuring this out.  I don't want to pay $12,000 to a school that isn't going to get her where she needs to be going.  

The admissions lady said ...

"She's very lucky that you are able to take the time to do that."

And that made me feel pretty good. 

You know, especially since they are pretty interested in our money.

I'm not overreacting. 

And I'm not just reacting.

It's not easy (really it's not) but in time this is going to all be worth it.

Next Fall, we'll be able to make a much more informed, confident choice about what we're going to do for schooling.

And, heck, until then the extra sleep isn't anything to sneeze at. 

Today Was A Good Day/Bad Day

Reviewed Kid's school experience, symptoms, and other stuff with psychologist.

Referred for psychiatrist and immediate medication.

Complete validation that she needed to be pulled out ASAP.

And that she is never going to thrive in a traditional school.

So that was good.

It's good to be validated.

But it's also HARD.

It's hard to hear that, even thought we know it's true, that your child will have a harder life.

That she has a harder time being happy.

That she has a harder time. Period.

And that she does indeed have "severe OCD and anxiety".

Even though I knew that.

There is still some sadness.

There is some relief too... this is something.

This is something.

THIS IS SOMETHING.

And you're wrong. She can't snap out of it. She can't be like "everyone else". She is not like you were or your children (unless you are trifitmom... and then YES she is) She isn't going to change. She is going to do weird things when she is nervous and act strange... and yes wouldn't it be great if she didn't?... yes, but it would be a hell of a lot better if she didn't feel the way she does inside. And she's not going to suddenly start doing things the way all of your children do them if I just stopped babying her. P.S Not all children are resilient. In fact some children are the exact opposite of resilient. Just like some adults are. We're all different.

Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Oh, and tonight Kid decided to unleash the wrath she's been brewing.

She wants to go back to school.

Simply because I don't equal 23 kids.

And no matter what... I'm not going to.

But I am someone who recognizes that being smart and fitting in are not the same thing.

In fact, you could probably guarantee the kids that don't...

Are the smartest.

Day One

More on all of this later... but.... as of today we're homeschooling.

I just could not send her back to a woman that had not one positive thing to say about her.

So, after much debate and looking at the next 10 year investment in private school (nearly 200K for Kid alone) we decided to give free (or closer to it... I've already ordered $700 in curriculum, and signed her up for $400 worth of classes for next trimester) a shot. Even if we can just finish out 2nd grade that is a major savings to put toward another year's tuition. And we'll know for sure that we've tried everything, and paying the big bucks is worth it.

So, we're trying it.

Curriculum arrives next week.

Today... the zoo.

I Guess It Was A Success

Last night was the first night (EVER) that we didn't have children with us.

My mom had her annual "Sweetie Santa Sleepover" for her granddaughters, and assumed that my girls would join in the morning (like usual).

But Kid was kind of interested in the sleepover... and very interested in not missing out on the night activites (hot cocoa and a movie) and for some unknown reason Baby was VERY interested in sleeping over.

This is a child who has yet to sleep through the night without parent intervention.

But she does love her eldest cousin... and... had been making her gifts all week... and wanted nothing more than to sleep with her.

So we packed them up and my mom drove down to pick them up.

Before they left Kid (who has not yet made it through a sleepover said...

"I'm not so sure about this"

We reassured her our phone would be by the bed! She could call and we'd get her at any time! You might really like it! You can sleep with your sister!

Then Mr F and I didn't really know what to do with ourselves.

We hurried downtown to see 127 Hours. Yikes! Mr F could barely watch it. Be forewarned if you have body injury/self mutilation fears... this movie is NOT for you.

It was fucking freezing out.

Mr F wanted to move back to North Carolina. (we jest).

We wandered around a bookstore looking at things the girls would like.

We went to a fancy dessert restaurant... even though I was just wearing my dirty yoga pants... whatev.

We laughed at a lady wearing one of those crazy fur rich lady hats.

We commented on how weird it was not to have to be home at a certain time.

We went home.

There was nothing on TV.

"You know, I really don't need my kids to be away at night." I said.

Mr F agreed.

We got ready for bed.

"Do you have your phone!" Mr F said anxiously.

"By the bed." I replied.

"What about the house phone!" He continued.

"By the bed." I replied.

We got in bed.

We looked at the clock.

"They're probably asleep by now." I said.

I opened a book. (about Mormons of course)

Mr F watched videos of the kids on his iPhone. (for real, peeps)

When we thought we might have crossed the hump of the kids freaking out (1 AM) we went to sleep.

We both slept fitfully, worried we might have to get up and drive the hour plus drive in the middle of the night.

But they never called.

Sweet Baby Jesus

I just got roped into being Kid's Brownie Troop "Cookie Mom".

I'm already regretting it.

Obviously, the fact that none of the other moms volunteered was a warning sign.

I just had an hour long training... and it still doesn't make any sense.

I've never seen more forms in my life.

The system is frick fracking crazy, and as redundant as humanly possible.

What have I done?!

What have I done?!



But just so you know... if you need cookies... you know who to come to.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Here's hoping I don't murder Mr F before dinner.

Mr F has made the faux pas of confusing eating turkey with having experience cooking turkey.

Busy Hands

We've been trying to get things all picked up and clean today. While were not hosting Thanksgiving, I don't know... it's just time to do a deep clean... I'm hoping to start going Christmas on Friday! Plus, there are some things you just want to take care of before the slush starts to make its way inside. I'm not doing a company clean like the rest of you, but I am in charge of the turkey for my family's T-day eating enjoyment, so I have all the prep to get done today for that. I'm about to rinse the bird and submerge it in the brine I cooked up last night (been sitting in our natural cooler... our back stoop... do not add warm brine to a cold turkey!!!). While I waited to get that all ready I decided to scrub all of the floors... late Fall has a done a real number on them... really need to get everyone to commit to using ONE DOOR before winter starts (I'm talking to you Mr F). The kids always want to help scrub floors (why?... I do not know) and so once we were done I kept their cleaning cloths going...


Here they are wiping down all of our knobs and door knobs with washcloths soaked with hand sanitizer. I'm not a huge fan of disposable cleaning products and this works like a reusable clorex wipe. I wish I'd thought of this idea BEFORE we all got our 2nd cold in 2 weeks.

PS... Do not confuse the Method brand "wood for good" spray bottle (which is polish!) for the Method "wood for good" cleaner in the squirt bottle!!! You will crack your head open if you accidently clean your floors with the spray... not that I know anything about that personally ;) But, YO! it's really slippery if you do that! Killing two birds with one stone nearly killed me!

Shaking With Fury

That teacher... I have NEVER run into a woman so disengaged from the children she teaches.

It Must Mean The Second Coming Of Christ

"Get up! Dad is going to Church!" Mrs F yells.

"I'm doing it for you." Mr F says quietly.

No, he's doing it for the coffee hour and the photography club.



Oh what? I didn't mention we've been going to Church?! Ah... There is a good story about that...

Put A Fork In It

Yesterday Kid's teacher shamed her during her spelling test.

She said something to the effect of...

"You have to start doing your tests faster. In the older grades, if you aren't done on time, they mark all of your answers wrong."

Um... okay.

Number one, I've gone through quite a bit of schooling myself and have never found that to be true.

Number two, SHE HAS TEST ANXIETY, and I'm pretty sure that didn't help.

Thanks for making this an even bigger issue.

So it came as no surprise that in the end she got 30% wrong because she was so nervous.

She messed up words she knew with 100% confidence at home.

This is just not the right teacher, not the right setting, and not the right curriculum for her.

Despite the teacher making comments all year to her, do you think she has ever once contacted us to talk about Kid's timing issues?

No.

She picks her apart in the classroom without doing anything to help her succeed.

The fact that, unlike all of the other kids in the class, Kid has never taken a test, nor needed to spell correctly before this year has never been considered. Frankly, she is doing pretty well considering the drastic change in curriculum.

I have gone in after school FOUR TIMES this month asking for her to please send Kid's desk work home at night so we could get it done, instead of letting it pile up and overwhelm her.

Has she?

No.

When I was in the classroom two weeks ago, the teacher actually said to the kids "You know what to do... multitask."

What?!

No wonder Kid is having a hard to time getting her desk work done.

This is second grade.

But like I said, despite going in and asking her to send work home because falling behind was stressing Kid out, to which she responded "Oh yeah, she does seem to get worried."***, I'd like to point out that the teacher HAS NEVER once contacted us to say Kid has difficulty completing her work. All of the work that comes home has stickers and smile faces. The only reason I know about it is because the pile of unfinished work makes Kid so upset she tells me about it.

Conferences are on Monday. How much do you want to bet she doesn't mention anything about Kid's difficulties?





*** which is a serious problem in and of itself, since I told her that Kid has an anxiety disorder BEFORE school even started.


.

Sorry

Yesterday turned into a rather bad day.

Kid and I got into it over spelling.

I was not/am not proud of my own behavior.

She can push my buttons.

But, my reaction was beneath me.

I know better.

And, I should have done better.

I apologized.

We hugged.

We ate some pumpkin gingerbread.

But, you can't take away what you have said.

And, so, I'm still not over it.

She told me...

"Mom, when you see me tantruming, than you might want to change your tone."

I laughed, and said...

"It's not always that easy. When you hear my tone, you might want to stop tantruming."

She laughed.

Which was generous of her.

Because, she was right in the first place.




Once I came upon some woman's wisdom, somewhere out on the internets. The gist of what she wrote, or the part I took away because it rang so true, was that when your children are the most repulsive to you, that is when they need you the most. It has proven a very hard standard to live up to. One I fail at more times than I'd like. But something that I think is important to reach for. Yesterday I failed. Today I'm hoping to do better.

Things I Don't Like About Getting Older

The fact that it takes my face well over an hour to wake up in the morning.

Quick Updates

Kid is home sick today.


40 days until Christmas. What?! We still have our Halloween decorations up. Time to take those babies down, I guess.


We had a great weekend. Spent time with family. Mr F and I even had a dinner out (without our Klingons). I literally can't remember the last time we went out without them (for real).


Finally switched out our god awful hall lights (turns out they only had 25 Watt bulbs in them... which explains the cave like darkness) for some new ones. Two small school house style and a small chandelier* for the entry way.(All three lights were $140 total) Golden boobs we are coming for you next.


I reupholstered our headboard last week. Came out great. $12 total. Now we just need to paint over the pepto walls so that it doesn't look like a clash-o-rama in there.


Candy cane Hershey's kisses are back. Yo!


Got in 5 - 60 min cardio workouts last week. Feels good. Shooting for a repeat. Of course, sick kids won't help me on that front.


Kid has a 1st Trimester spelling review on Friday. 40 words. Already had one tantrum (not counting the one I had when I found out). Pray for us...


*this house is getting a more feminine touch if you haven't noticed. Mr F got the last house.

So Apparently...

Saying you need to see a therapist is a conversation killer.

ha!

Oh well. There is no shame in my game.

I did get in touch with her and we can catch up in two weeks. Which times out to be after Kid's conference, so I'll be able to paint the most thorough picture I can of the situation. Side bonus, she frequently works in the Ann Arbor public schools, so she'll know if what is going on with Kid's teacher is par for the course or just plain wiggity whack. I'll really appreciate getting that insight as we move forward. She was also invaluable to me last year when I needed some help assessing Kid's OCD ticks, so I'll be looking forward to her guidance in that arena as well.




On to other things....

I just love our yard! Our house is set up into a hill, so that from every window you see tree tops. It is so uplifting to look out at all those trees every day. From our big family room, which is lined with windows on three sides, you feel like you are sitting in a tree house. 


(bad pictures, but that's just the view I have from our kitchen counter... and it still kicks ass)

Look even Mr F thinks so... I just looked up and saw him walking along our roof. If our yard is good enough background for one of his fancy car photos... I guess that's saying something.

(He's got some kind of Audi convertible today, if you are wondering. I can't tell if it's that 180K one or not ... yes for real... isn't that completely insane?)

And it's such a nice confirmation of our move.  Honestly, people, there has not been one moment of regret.  Even with the whole school debacle, this was the right move, at the right time, to the right place.

The entire time we were in West Asheville our surroundings really depressed me. As a stay at home mother, what I can see from my windows has a profound effect on my spirits. I spent a lot of time bemoaning the abandoned gas stations, the non-stop out of control barking dogs, and the general shitty-ness of our old neighborhood (especially considering the price!). Sometimes I wondered if I was making it up... could it really be that bad? Yes, my friends, yes it was. There is not a single part of our town that bears any resemblance to that, not even on the "other side of the tracks". When we walk around, it charms me and cheers me up. Your environment really does matter. And, hell... at just about half the price... we're feeling very lucky indeed.

So that's my take away house hunting tip for you. How nice your house is matters, of course... but most of that you can fix and improve upon if you want to. What you have to look at matters too... and most of that will be outside of your control. Take some time to look out of the windows before you buy! A super charming house will still suck your soul out if you have to look at your neighbors garbage every morning from the kitchen sink. I gained a new perspective on that this time around. We saw a beautiful, big, stone craftsman, and it was hard to not want to love that house... but... I really paid attention to what was out the windows... and it wasn't pretty... and it wasn't going to change anytime soon. So we moved on. And I'm glad we did.

That Explains A Lot

I noticed something interesting this morning.

I think it's a key to what has been going on for me lately.

Try as I might to get myself on track, I just have not had the motivation to workout.

Which is very different than my usual self determination.

I am really not one to sit and live with a problem.

I am by nature a problem solver.



#1 Last week Kid had a pretty good week at school.
Socially things started to turn around.
Hooray.
So, academically, I still have my questions (serious ones)... but we can live through that.


#2 Last weekend I worked out for the first time since living here.
Then I worked out EVERY SINGLE MORNING since then.
I felt like I was suddenly back to the old me.


#3 At the breakfast table Kid told me about being reprimanded for day dreaming. Then she revealed that she isn't allowed to take snack time if she isn't done with her "morning work"... then has to eat snack during recess... thereby destroying what social success she has made, since she can't play with the other kids.

#4 Kid goes to school, and instead of gearing up to workout, I decide I need a rest day.

#5 Recognize a familiar feeling.

#6 Realize that ALL ALONG the stress I'm feeling about Kid's school situation is what has been keeping me from working out. It has been sucking my soul out and draining all my energy... leaving me... not depressed... but well drained... and stressed. And I only have so much energy to expend outside of regular daily activities... and if I feel I need to be dealing/worried about Kid and what to do next... that pretty much uses it up. And I just do not have the energy to worry about Kid 24/7 and also workout.* I just don't. I'm not a superhuman.

#7 Call my old therapist to get myself back in her schedule... since I clearly need a safe place to let this stuff out. I need a place where I can work on my feelings, and sort out what feelings are my old injuries, and what are justified in this situation. I need help assessing my motivations and keeping them in check with what is best for Kid. I need help making a smart, viable plan for how to fix what is going on. Sometimes you need an outside person to reflect your feelings off of. This is one of those times.

#8 Immediately feel like working out.


*Which is saying a lot about how much stress I am under. Even during the intense seizure watch times, during our house selling in Asheville... I still worked out. This is different. This time I don't *know* what the right answer is... and it's killing me. I second guess myself and my motivations and the school and Kid EVERY SINGLE DAY... multiple times a day. This isn't a cut and dry situation with a clear solution.

It's Over

We finished LOST last night.

We pretty much cried continuously for an hour and half, muttering...

"What does it mean? What does it mean?!"*

And I'm still processing what the hell it means.

I mean I get the obvious... but...

Why did Penny & Juliet get to be there?!

What does it mean?!!! What does it mean?






*Special nod to SuperDad for introducing me to that, now, commonly used Furious household phrase.

Same Story, Different Year

The time change is kicking my ass.

You'd think gaining an hour would negate the wonkiness of the change... but... no.

I didn't actually gain an hour. I was just awake an hour longer.

And, sure, I appreciate that the sun is on the verge of rising when we get up (for now).... but.... the darkness that sets in an hour earlier in the evening?!... not a fan.

Not a fan.